By Matthew Hesselgrave, coach
Coaching someone with ADD/ADHD towards success.
Hi, my name is Matthew and I’m a Mental Health Life Coach. I have also been living with ADD for 44 years, have 2 children with ADHD so, I understand the challenges. One of the many important things I’ve learned over the years and in talking with others who struggle is the importance of overcoming some of the most common obstacles that can block progress in dealing with the condition especially immediately after being diagnosed.
So, you or someone you love has just been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. You got the meds. What now? What follows are some of the challenges we must overcome to create a life worth living.
Overcoming the stigma
You are not defective – any more than someone with diabetes is defective. You have a chemical imbalance just like someone with diabetes. Everyone has some challenge in life and those challenges can be overcome.
You are not lazy – in fact you are highly motivated but lack the brain chemistry to sustain focus on things that don’t interest you. The key is learning the skills necessary to “push through” and achieve your goals.
You have a medical condition – it is a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain and is universally recognized as a psychological disorder by the CDC, WHO, American Department of Education and the American Psychiatric Association and is listed in the DSM-V, the official mental health “bible” of psychiatric disorders.
You are not stupid – in fact you are likely highly intelligent. You just have trouble focusing and require different learning structures.
You need medication – remember you have neurotransmitter/neurochemical imbalance and meds supplement that chemical deficiency in the same way a diabetic uses insulin to correct their chemical deficiency.
You can be successful – in fact many people with ADD/ADHD are successful. You just need to find “your thing” – the thing that grabs and keeps your attention. The thing you stay up at night thinking about. Leveraging that thing makes a huge difference both in self-esteem and in feeling successful.
Overcoming negative self-talk. Stop lying to yourself!
“I’m using my ADHD diagnosis as an excuse for failure” – but there is a difference between an excuse and legitimate reason. We have a medical condition which requires treatment. It starts with meds, counseling and coaching. We can learn new skills and set goals which will help us succeed. The onlyfailure is not to try.
“I’ll never be self-disciplined” – yes, it may be harder for us to focus and stick to things especially if those things don’t hold our interest. But self-discipline is a learned skill and with effort and coaching we can learn to practice the art of self-discipline.
“I can’t be successful” – by who’s measure? There is always a temptation to compare ourselves with others who are neuro-typical, but we are really good at many things; it is a matter of focusing on our strengths and finding success in what interests us.
“I’ll never be like everyone else” – so what? I love the saying “you do you,” it is freeing to be yourself. Think of all the athletes, musicians and artists you look up to, are they like everyone else? We are unique and possess abilities few others do: we can focus intently on what interests us. We can be outgoing. We are creative. We are empathetic. We are driven. We are problem solvers. And many of us have a great sense of humor.
“I’m just not cut out for school” – but we are capable of learning. School is a means to an end. It prepares us for our future. Sometimes it requires special accommodations to be successful. And sometimes it requires learning new skills or a different way of studying. Sometimes success is found in other educational opportunities like trade school. And sometimes we just have to do our best to get through it. Sometimes we need a coach to encourage us, help set realistic goals and develop a plan.
“I’ll never amount to anything” – WRONG! There are so many successful people out there with ADD/ADHD. Ever heard of Bill Gates or Richard Branson? How about Emma Watson, Jim Carrey, Justin Timberlake or Kurt Cobain? How about Michael Jordan, Caitlyn Jenner, Pete Rose or Greg Lemond? Or maybe you have heard of Markiplier, Erin Brockovich-Ellis, JBAverage or David Blaine. They are all famous, successful and are from every walk of life. Check out this link to read about 100 of them!
Overcoming side effects of the meds
“I don’t feel the same when I’m on my meds.” This was the main complaint of my son, Wes, when he began to take his ADD medication. My heart went out to him. Normally, Wes is outgoing, gregarious and funny but on his meds, he felt 50% of his “normal” self. So often dealing with side effects is a catch 22 – we lose our appetites, we often can’t sleep, and we hyper-focus and miss what is going on around us, we are impulsive or like my son we feel less ourselves. But what’s the alternative? For Wes it was poor school and work performance, trouble concentrating and frustration at trying to keep up. It also caused relationship problems by being in his own world. For others its mood changes, inability to keep a job, feeling out of control, being irresponsible, underperforming and all the self-esteem and shame issues that accompany those things.
For many of us, including my son, the negatives outweigh the positives. So, what can we do? First, not all drugs work the same for everyone. For Wes we tried at least 4-5 meds in several categories before finding the one with the least side effects. This took over a year as each med had to be tried for 30-60 days to evaluate its effectiveness. It was hard but the outcome is worth it. Wes is living his best life.
Second, we need help. We need to develop a support system that include family, friends, prescribing doctors/psychiatrists/ARNP’s, counselors and/or life coaches to walk with us through the difficulties ahead, providing support and encouragement as well as help navigating the challenges of the side effects.
Finally, here’s the good news: the side effects eventually diminish and for many go away altogether. And those that don’t can be managed.
Overcoming relationship problems
It can be particularly hard for people with ADHD to have successful long-term relationships. But that does not mean we can’t have them, it just takes some work, I believe we are made for relationships, and they are worth fighting for. So often our relationships become adversarial. This is true for parent child relationships and marriage relationships as well. Some of the challenges our partners or parents face in living with us are; we can be poor listeners, easily distracted, forgetful, impulsive, prone to emotional outbursts, and at times insensitive.
Despite this our relationships are not destined to fail or always be in crisis. Sometimes we just need to slow down and put in the time and attention required to build up our relationships. In fact, our ability to focus can be a real asset when directed onto our relationships. We can learn to love and love well.
It starts with recognizing that ADHD is the problem and not the person with the condition. It is helpful to develop a team approach to contending with the condition that focus’ on a deep understanding of the ins and outs of living with ADHD, gaining good communication skills, building a strong commitment to each other and to the relationship, developing a mutual compassion for each other – for the one with ADHD and the one who has to live with them, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to succeed. This includes taking medication and may include regular CBT counseling, couples or family counseling and meeting with a life coach to set goals, build new skills, talk through the challenges, and provide accountability. Parents may need to learn how to set boundaries, create predictable routines, and establish a system of consequences and rewards for their children, as well as learning how to understand, empathize, support and encourage their child.
Living with ADD/ADHD can be hard both for the one with the condition and the one who loves them. Like everything in life that is worth having, relationships take work. For more information on relationships, please read these articles:
If you want to talk further about what coaching can look like for you, please reach out. You do not have to navigate this alone, we are here to support you on the journey towards freedom and fullness.