Practical Dating Advice for Women

By Marianne esterly ma, lmhc

Ladies, he thinks you are attractive. And he is telling the truth.

Dating can be hard and exhausting. Sure it can also be fun and exciting…but to get there you need to make the match first. It is hard to make a connection, make a match that is truly a match and get to know each other. Sometimes we make dating harder than it ought to be. Women in particular are prone to not believe they are beautiful.  Where does this come from? It is a shame that many girls are not raised with the belief that they are beautiful.  

Disclaimer: I agree that women are more than beauty. I agree that their insides should be seen for who they are: their strength, their giftings, their smarts, their humor, etc… 

Today is not about the insides. Today we are focusing on believing that your outsides are more than good enough, they are beautiful. If you do not believe you are beautiful, why? Where does that message come from? Family? Peers? Friends? It is important to be curious about why you do not believe you are beautiful and why. It is not in your favor to believe anything less than you are beautiful.  Who wins if you are not beautiful? Is it worth their win? You have to live in you for life. It is in your best interest to believe in your beauty. 

What happens when you believe that you are beautiful. Try it right now, put your hand on your heart and take a deep breath in and out and now gently say to yourself, “I am beautiful.” What happens in your body when you say that? Does a part of you (or all of you) rest in that statement? Does it bring peace? Perhaps a little smile at the truthfulness of it. 

What happens when you can hold the truth of who you are and go out into the world? Doing this you will show up more confident. You will begin to live more into what you are truly worth–which is goodness. And you will not settle for less as easily. 

Back to dating, when you get asked out it is because he thinks you are beautiful. He likes the way you look. That is it. He may also think you are funny, smart, etc…but the main thing he knows WITH CERTAINTY is that he likes the way you look. You are someone he wants to look at, be seen with and get to know. It is easy to fall into the trap of needing assurance that he finds you attractive, that assurance seeking feels good to you and tiring to him. If he gives you a complement, say “thank you.” In this instance thank you is a complete sentence. 

After a compliment do not tell him why you don’t love what he loves about you.  Or explain why receiving the compliment is hard. When you do this, this dance of seeking assurance, it moves him from giving a great compliment and enjoying you to caretaking your insecurities. It is not his job to caretake your insecurities. It is actually your job to caretake your insecurities, to be curious about them and pursue healing for them.

Not that you need permission, but sometimes it makes it easier when we have it, women embrace your beauty and do not settle for the lie that you are anything but beautiful. If you have friends that do not encourage or support your beauty–they are not friends: they are women stuck in a cycle of competitiveness where none should be. Further encouragement and permission to rest in the knowledge that when you get asked out, he thinks you are attractive. 

We get it, it can feel like a big risk to believe and live into and out of your beauty. If you need help unraveling where you feel stuck in believing what is true about you or figure out why receiving compliments is so hard. We are here for you!

The Parts of Us: An Internal Family Systems Perspective

by Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy modality that uses Family Systems theory—the concept that individuals cannot be fully understood apart from the family—to address issues within a person’s internal world. This approach assumes that we have a variety of sub-personalities, or “parts,” and trying to get to know each of these parts better achieves healing. By learning how different parts of ourselves function as a system, it can become easier to identify the roots of conflict, manage our emotions, and achieve greater well-being. 

IFS Therapy Model

The IFS Therapy Model describes that we have a core Self that existed before we were wounded. It is marked my characteristics of curiosity, compassion, connectedness, calmness, flexibility—an openness to the world; a lack of rigidity in beliefs, actions, emotions; a desire to connect with others in healthy interdependence. However, at one point or over a period of time, this core Self becomes wounded due to the brokenness of the world that leaves us in pain, afraid, alone, ashamed. As a result of that harm, our mind transforms into a few different parts in order to make sense of, survive, and move forward from what happened to us.

The IFS model describes these types of parts, which will be outlined below. In general, each of our parts plays a role in achieving self-preservation, so they are validated and recognized as important due to their protective functions. However, our main goal is to prevent each of these parts from taking over our Self, and rather enabling the core Self to be the leader and understand each part, its purpose, and what it needs to step into a less extreme role. Typically, parts of us focused too intensely on self-preservation when the threat is no longer present are assuming extreme roles.

The extreme roles are the ones IFS tries to focus on in therapy work; these parts often underlie compulsive behaviors, or when we feel like we “have to” do things. The goal is to help parts discover their non-extreme roles. There is no such thing as a “bad part.” Parts engaging in non-extreme behavior are very beneficial to us.

There are three distinct types of parts in the IFS model:

1. Managers are protective parts of us that are responsible for maintaining our daily functioning, by keeping away any unwanted or overwhelming emotions or experiences from the outside world. Think of them as the type A project managers, the critical coach, the constant caretaker. They keep pushing you forward to achieve your goals.

2. Exiles are the parts of us that are in a state of pain or trauma, which may result from childhood experiences. Our protective parts (managers and firefighters) exile these parts and prevent them from reaching the forefront of our attention, so that we can maintain proper functioning. These are the parts of us that are being protected. Think of them as the neglected infant, the terrified toddler, the ashamed preteen, etc.

3. Firefighters are protective parts of us that try to distract us when our exiles, or wounded parts, break free from suppression. To protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed by the pain of the exiles, firefighters try their best to “put the fire out” by any means possible. Typically, this looks like impulsive or compulsive behaviors, because those are the easiest and fastest tools available for self-soothing the burn wounds. Think of them as the compulsive drinker, the compulsive exerciser, etc.

IFS therapy aims to differentiate the Self from the other parts (managers, firefighters, and exiles) making up a person’s inner world. The ultimate goal is to unburden or restore extreme and wounded parts and establish a trusted, healthy, harmonious internal system that is led by the Self.

In a way, the core Self becomes a good internal parent managing the various younger parts it is taking care of, providing for each part’s needs and also utilizing healthy boundaries. 

What Might this Look Like?

Let’s illustrate this internal world of parts with an example. Let’s say you were neglected as a young child in early elementary school, due to a single parent who was an alcoholic. They left for work early in the day and didn’t come home until late at night, and then became drunk quickly, leaving little room for caring for you and connecting with you. This would leave you alone a lot, worried about your parent’s safety or ability to care for you, and likely produce feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, or shame. At that age, it’s very hard to change your situation, and the reality of your unmet needs and desires might seem like too much to bear. Yet, you have to get up and go to school every day, and complete your homework every night, or it could make things worse at home. So your managers step in and try to suppress your feelings—your exiled parts—so that you can complete your tasks. However, sometimes when you are alone at night, or scared when your parent gets drunk, the exiled parts are too much to bear. In order to make the pain stop, you reach for your video game console or your favorite cookies in the pantry. That helps to temporarily stop the pain and you are able to get up the next morning, when your managers kick back in. This is what this powerful system of self-preservation might look like.

An important disclaimer to note, though, is that we all reach for the video game or Netflix show, or cookies from time to time when we experience negative emotions! It’s when these thoughts or behaviors become persistent, seem to hijack our whole self, and end up harming us, that we need to step in to try to unburden and care for these parts.

If you would like someone to work with you through what your different parts and how are they showing up in your life we are here for you.

Learning to say No

By Molly Kitz, MA LMHC

Have you ever agreed to do something and then later regretted saying “yes”? Maybe you felt miserable attending an event or hanging out with a friend but felt too bad to say “no.” In today’s world, there is a pressure to be busy and say “yes” to everything and everyone due to our intrinsic desire to be socially accepted. Saying “no” is not ingrained in us from a young age, though learning to say “no” in the appropriate situations allows for freedom and control over our personal lives, our personal time, and our boundaries while also giving us the space to increase our confidence. 

Learning to effectively say “no” is hard. It takes time, patience, and practice. Although there are hundreds of ways to effectively say “no,” we will start with some basic practices and steps to increase your confidence is saying “no.” 

The first step in effectively learning to “no” is to explore why you fear saying “no.” We may fear rejection, we may fear missing out, we may fear the uncertainty surrounding other’s reactions, or we may fear letting someone down. Saying “no” may come off aggressive, harsh, or even mean. There also may be unpleasant physical feelings that come up when you say “no” to someone. Check in with your body - does your chest tighten up? Do you feel uncomfortable in one part of your body when saying “no”? Do you experience symptoms of anxiety when saying “no”? Checking in with your body is an important task, especially when you are doing something that is out of your comfort zone (like saying “no!”). 

Another important step in learning to say “no” is to explore past experiences. Would you describe yourself as a people-pleaser? Someone who always strives to make others happy? These identities may be rooted in your childhood experiences and according to attachment theory, may impact your relationships as an adult. Neglect from parents may have caused us to go out of our way to please others around us, seeking attention and praise from anyone. While others may have experienced praise by their parents when they were helpful, completed chores, or even played unhealthy roles within the family system. As a result of our childhoods, some of us may feel obligated to say “yes” as it is what we were taught. This can result in feeling the desire to please others, and often this is achieved by saying “yes.” 

Two additional ways to effectively learn to say no include assessing the situation and practicing saying no. When assessing the situation, allow yourself to make an informed decision. You would never buy a car without first doing your due diligence - think of situations in this similar way. Allow yourself time to assess what you are saying “yes” or “no” to. You can ask questions to clarify. Practicing can also benefit you, especially if saying “no” causes anxiety or stress. Practice in the mirror, in the shower, or even in the car. 

So, you have mastered saying “no;” let’s explore the benefits of doing such!

1. Saying “no” increases your confidence. When you routinely step out of your comfort zone and do things that make you feel uncomfortable, it helps build your confidence in overcoming bigger obstacles. 

2. Saying “no” gives you freedom. When you say “no” and respect your boundaries, you give yourself the freedom to do what you want to do with your time. This extra time can be spent practicing self-care, achieving your goals, or recharging yourself. Saying “no” makes you a priority. 

October is not often a time that people set new resolutions, but with the year coming to end, how could these last few months (especially around the holidays) be better spent by learning to say “no?”

If you find yourself saying “yes” when you ought to be saying “no” or you feel trapped in a cycle of people pleasing, we are here and available to help you move to where you want to be. If you would like someone to walk with you to help identify where you learned to say yes when you would like to say no, we are here for you.

Mindfulness for Beginners

Mindfulness for Beginners- 3 Tips for Calming Your Mind

By Genevieve Ulm, MA LMHCA

Do you struggle with negative thoughts; or catch yourself in the same familiar loops of unhelpful thinking? Learning to become mindful of our thoughts and more grounded into our body can help calm the noise. Mindfulness is often one of the first things we practice/teach in therapy. Mindfulness asks the individual to become aware of the thoughts, emotions, and overall body with the intention of being fully in the present moment with no judgement of oneself. This technique is helpful in the sense that only when become aware of what is going on in the background, can we start to make adjustments that allow for a calmer and more peaceful inner narrative. In a society where we rarely take the breaks needed to recharge and process our lives; it can take being intentional to create space to do just that. The three beginner tips below are great tools to start adding mindfulness into your routine.

Tip 1: Focus on your breath.

Throw away all misconceptions that you need your brain to be completely quiet while meditating or practicing mindfulness! Our brains are the world’s best storytellers and rarely do they go quiet without a lot of intentionality. Even with intentionality, it is natural for thoughts to pop up.

When beginning mindfulness, focus on your natural breathing pattern; pay attention to your inhale, exhale, and what the air feels like in your body. You could place a hand on your chest and stomach to physically feel the rise and fall of the air moving. Your mind will start to wander because that is normal. Your only task is to gently become aware of where your thoughts went, take a deep refocusing breath, and bring attention back to your breathing. Some of those thoughts may really want to stick around! A helpful tool could be to write that thought down.

Writing will help ensure you that the thought is not lost and will come back later. Then you will attempt to refocus on the breath. It will take practice and training to build this skill!

Tip 2: Notice the language and tone of your inner voice.

It is important to be aware of how we speak to ourselves because this tone of voice is how we set the overall tone for our entire day. Many of us have an inner critic that can be loud and say hurtful things all day long. There is an exhausting emotional battle going on that we do not always pay attention to; how draining this conflict can be on our whole body!

A good rule of thumb is if you would not say it out loud to someone else that you care deeply about, do not say it to yourself.

The practice of shifting this dialogue is gently correcting it whenever you notice a negative thought directed at yourself. For example, you notice your thoughts when you wake up a few minutes late. Maybe your inner voice sounds something like “ugh, I am so lazy, why can’t I just get up” or “here I go again messing up another day”. When you notice a thought like this, the hardest part can be getting yourself to pause and shift; taking a few deep breathes can help. The most important part is rephrasing the words. It will probably feel silly the first few times, but it is important to reteach our brains!

Rephrasing those negative thoughts to something like “wow I must have been tired, it is okay and human to need sleep” or “this is just the beginning of my day, I have enough time to regroup and be okay”. Shifting this voice can result in feeling lighter, calmer, and more in control of our thinking.

Tip 3: Tune into your body

Our body holds a lot of our stress and ignored feelings throughout the day. Common places we hold stress are our jaw and shoulders; but even our fingers and toes can be storing it. Performing a body scan can help you to give attention to each part of your body and intentionally release any stored tension.

One way to do a body scan is to settle yourself with 3-5 deep breathes. Following the breaths and starting with your toes, you will squeeze your toes on the inhale, hold for a few seconds, then release your toes on the exhale. Next you move up to your calves, thighs, core, finger, arms, neck, and jaw. Repeat the process of squeeze/inhale, hold, release/exhale. When you are done with the individual body parts you then attempt to squeeze your whole body. Finally, try to release and exhale any leftover tension for a couple seconds to feel refreshed. If you notice a few body parts need the process repeated, then do that!

There are no rules, just suggestions you can alter to best match your body’s needs and preferences.

The more often you practice these three tips, the more confident you will become at using these tools when you feel overwhelmed or stressed. Attempt to practice these skills 5-10 minutes at a time and build from there. If 5 minutes feels too big then make it smaller! When it comes to adding in therapeutic tools for your life, there is always a way to make the first step smaller if it feels too big. The goal is to make it work for you and improve your quality of life. Attempting to make this type of change should never add shame or guilt that another thing feels like too much.

You can start with picking one skill to practice once a week, or you can try all three skills multiple times a week. Both end with progress toward a happier and healthier mind/body experience. Pick what works for you and build on it when and where you can! We are here to walk with you as you connect and find peace and rhythms in your life.

What do I need to have a secure attachment?

By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

The Building Blocks of Attachment

In Part 1 of this series on attachment, we looked at the different types of attachment styles and how they manifested in relationships with others, ourselves, and to our environment. Today, we will explore the development of secure attachment by looking at key building blocks for healthy attachment in relationships: attunement, containment, and rupture and repair. Let’s dig a little deeper into understanding these three critical ingredients.

Attunement

To understand the concept of attunement, think of the phrase “in tune with.” Attunement is being aware of and responsive to the emotions and/or needs of another person. I also like to describe it almost as being a mirror to another person, in the sense that you can track with and reflect well the other person’s emotional state. Another way of describing it is learning another person’s rhythm and being in step with them, in the sense that you can tell when their steps change or their pacing is off. If a person becomes well-attuned to another, their ability to sense the other’s emotions and needs can almost be predictive—meaning, they know the person so well that they can anticipate their responses or needs. You can see this often with mother-child relationships, especially before the child is verbal, where the mother has grown so attuned to the child that she is able to tell what the child’s cries are asking for without any words.

Attunement is about having a person feel as though they are understood, seen, and felt by another person. Good attunement requires being able to read a person’s needs or emotions and stay present with that person even when it feels tough. As we consistently show up and validate a person’s needs, this attuning process grows the capacity for felt safety within relationships. As you provide attunement for a person, they will feel safe with you, and as a person does this for you, you will feel safer with them.

This piece is often where attunement breaks down in relationships—in simple ways, like when the listener is distracted with a device or a demanding job, or in more complex ways, when the listener becomes uncomfortable with the feelings of another and is no longer present in the conversation. Of course, this broken attunement happens to us all from time to time. We are only human! We all miss each other from time to time, get each other wrong, miscalculate where the other is at. A critical piece of this concept is that we do not need to be perfect at attuning to others. The goal is never to be perfect, but rather practicing “good enough” attunement. In other words, more often than not, do I have the sense that another person gets me, that they want to be with me in hard things?

Containment

To help understand the concept of containment, think of a container: a defined space that can safely hold and accommodate its contents. As it relates to attachment, containment refers to the relational ability to “hold” whatever the other person needs held emotionally and to create a sense of safety in the relational space. As an illustration, think about a parent engaging with a toddler who is starting to experience big, intense emotions. Typically, toddlers become overwhelmed by what they are feeling and have a hard time regulating themselves. This can often be a frightening or overwhelming experience for them, to have such big energy taking over such a small body! When a parent steps in with a regulated and calm demeanor, acknowledges and identifies the emotion, and helps the child begin to regulate, what they are offering is containment. The parent helps hold the emotion while the child can safely begin to soothe. These early experiences of containment are key in building secure attachments: a child can consistently depend on an adult to help create a safe relational space for self-regulation. It is important that there be a distinction between helping hold emotional experiences and becoming overwhelmed by them as the person holding the space. A boundary helps both people involved know where their emotions and experiences end, and the other’s begins.

I sometimes like to describe it this way, as illustrations can be helpful. The parent is wrangling this giant, chaotic black mass of emotion that the toddler is figuratively throwing at them (or, if you have a toddler, often literally). The parent who is using their words to name and explain the emotion or the need is “taming” the emotion—akin to drawing a silhouette around it to transform this big black mass into something more manageable, a smaller black shape with boundaries. As the parent is trying to communicate with the child, the parent is then figuratively “giving back” to the child the emotion in its newer, more manageable “container.” The container is much easier for the child to physically hold and examine and isn’t as scary as a large, all-encompassing, uncontrolled monster.

Where this can breakdown is if the parent has a hard time remaining present and regulated and is unable to consider the child’s feelings as separate from their own feelings. Perhaps the child’s anger reminds them of their parent’s anger, and instead of remaining present with the child, they withdraw internally, or get frustrated with the child, because they are afraid and want the child to stop being angry. In this situation, the child learns the opposite of containment—now, not only are they afraid their emotion is going to overwhelm them, but also they have experienced their emotion as equally overwhelming to their parent, who is now “emotionally” abandoning them. This interaction has confirmed that emotions really are scary black monsters that move people away from them, leaving them alone, and the child must avoid this at all costs.  

Of course, as with attunement, we can never be perfect at this! From time to time, we will get overwhelmed by others’ emotions. That is being human. The aim is always “good enough”—to, more often than not, try to be present with another and hold what they are feeling, and to ask for the same from others.

Rupture and Repair

            This brings us to the final building block of attachment—rupture and repair. As I mentioned in the previous two sections, sometimes we get stuff wrong in relationships. We miss seeing that our spouse is crabby when they come home from work. We don’t see that our kid is struggling with a friend at school. We get overwhelmed by our friend’s emotions and react critically instead of with empathy and good boundaries. Our own exhaustion keeps us from being present when our kid is trying to engage with us after dinner. We are human!

            Thankfully, this last piece of attachment is what helps us during these times that our humanity shows up. What is rupture and what is repair? Rupture is a breakdown in our connection with another person. It’s a roadblock that pops up in the highway of communication, trust, and intimacy with someone we care about. Rupture includes almost anything that disrupts a relational connection, and it often looks like a conflict of some sort. Repair is a process about how we navigate the new distance between us and close the gap, to once again be in step with each other and feel on safe, steady ground. It goes farther than just taking an apologetic stance. It dives deeper into naming what has happened, owning our role in what happened, seeing how it impacted each person (which includes listening to the other person’s version of the event), considering together how the rupture was co-created, and exploring a way forward in the relationship.

People are often afraid of conflict in relationships, and understandably if they never experienced good repair! They learned that conflict leads to distance, and there weren’t really attempts to repair and be in step again. Of course, in those instances, they would want to avoid conflict at all costs, if it leaves them feeling alone and ashamed. However, good repair can help us to fear conflict less, and encourages us to show more of ourselves in relationships, trusting the other person will be there. Good repair is so good, and I would argue, is the most important ingredient to the formation of trust in relationships. If we fight, if we have a conflict, can we trust each other to move towards each other again? Can we trust each other to stay when it’s tough?

Now that we have reviewed these three crucial building blocks of healthy attachment—attunement, containment, rupture and repair—hopefully, you have a more concrete idea of how a safe and secure relationship is formed and maintained. This knowledge can equip you to more deeply examine how others care for you, as well as how you care for others.  

If you would like to pursue your attachment and how to implement repair into your relationships we are here for you.

Attachment theory and you? Why does it matter?

by lindsay deiley ma, lmhca

Understanding Attachment Theory, Part 1

During your personal therapy journey, you may have been introduced to the word “attachment” as it pertains to relationships. The psychological concept of attachment stems from attachment theory, which offers explanations for how people relate to others, themselves, and the world around them. So what really is attachment, how does it play a role in relationships, and how might it show up in the therapy room? Today, I want to dig into this concept a bit more together.

What is attachment theory?

When you are young, how your caregivers relate to you lays the foundation for how you build relationships as an adult. The behavior of your primary caregivers (often one’s parents) impacts the way you perceive and trust close relationships. As a child, you are dependent on your caregivers for survival, and as a result, you desire to be in close proximity to them and seek comfort, soothing, and support from them. In order to stay close to your caregivers for survival, you monitor your parents’ behaviors in relationships, to see what strategies you can use to remain close to them to get your needs met. If you can consistently rely on your caregivers to fulfill your emotional and physical needs growing up, you are likely to develop a secure attachment style and see relationships and the world as safe and predictable. Secure attachment requires that the caregivers offer a warm and caring environment, offer “good enough” proximity (closeness) to the child, and are attuned to the child’s needs, even when these needs are not clearly expressed. However, if your caregiver is consistently misattuned, neglectful, harmful, or frightening, this can lead to you developing insecure attachment. This means that you cannot consistently rely on your caregivers to fulfill your needs. As a result, it is hard to trust in others to do the same, and you can grow to see the world as an unsafe and unpredictable place.

According to the theory, there are four types of attachment styles—one being secure, and the other three being different types of insecure attachment:

1.     Secure attachment

2.     Insecure attachment

a.     Avoidant attachment (also known as dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)

b.     Anxious attachment (also known as preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)

c.     Disorganized attachment (also known as fearful-avoidant in children)

How do these attachment styles play out in relationships?

Secure attachment:  People with secure attachment are both comfortable being in relationships and comfortable being on their own; they are able to flex between separateness and connectedness. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others. They trust their partners and feel safe depending on them, and in turn, let their partners rely on them. They generally believe they have the inner resources to meet the difficulties that they face and believe that the world is more safe and predictable than it is unsafe and unpredictable.

Insecure- avoidant attachment: Those who identify as avoidantly attached see themselves as lone wolves—strong, independent, and self-sufficient. They tend to have a more positive view of themselves but struggle with emotional closeness. They do not want to depend on others, or have others depend on them. They also tend to shut down, hide, or suppress their feelings when faced with an emotionally overwhelming situation.

Insecure- anxious attachment:  Those who identify as anxiously attached tend to have a strong fear of abandonment and value safety and closeness as top priorities. They tend to get anxious at the thought of living without their partner and often seek affirmation from them. If an anxiously attached person senses emotional distance from their partner, they try to cling to their partner even more, becoming very preoccupied with the relationship.

Insecure- disorganized attachment: The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their relationships. For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. This is because their caregiver was at best, unpredictable, and at worst, a source of harm or terror. This creates a situation called “fear without resolution,” in which the child is in a bind because the very person who is supposed to protect them from threats is actually what is threatening to them. They do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, hesitate to trust and depend on others. They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.

How does this apply to therapy?

            Therapy helps heal attachment wounds because a skilled therapist, in a way, takes on the role of a pseudo-caregiver—the “good enough parent” that you longed for but did not consistently have. The therapist acts as a secure base for you by offering you attunement, containment, and modeling good rupture and repair. (Want to know more about these 3 components of secure attachment? Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series!) A therapist does this in a few ways.

First, the therapist, using curiosity and compassion, helps guide the way toward the untethered parts of you, showing you what attunement and healthy pursuit looks and feels like. Through this modeling, they restore some of your integrity and self-worth by essentially saying, “You are worth getting to know and being pursued in the midst of these uncharted waters.”

Next, the therapist sits with you in the uncharted waters, offering their presence to difficult parts of you, modeling for you the attunement and containment you deserved to get all along. Through this, they add more pieces to your integrity, saying, “I want to be with you just as you are; I am able to tolerate all parts of who you are, even the difficult or dark emotions do not make me uncomfortable. As you see me tolerating them, you will also realize they are tolerable and won't swallow you up.”

Then, the two of you work together to discover the destination you’re meant to sail toward and embark together. In doing so, they continue to build on your integrity, saying, “You have a unique purpose and gift for the world, and I’m on your team to help discover what that is and encourage you to offer it to others. Let’s do it! If we hit any rough seas, I'll be in your corner to help you overcome.”

After time, as secure attachment develops, you won’t feel as though you are constantly in uncharted waters in the world and in relationships. The waters will feel more predictable and safe. The therapist will transition to being a safe harbor that you can dock your boat at, so that you can refuel at any time, and go off and venture into the world once again, knowing that you have the inner resources to navigate any rough waters that you might face. This is the role that your caregiver was always meant to play—that of a safe harbor—but because of their unhealed wounds, they weren’t able to offer what you needed in the moment. In this beautiful way, therapy can help heal these parts of us that were left to flounder in troubled waters and can establish a calmer harbor for us. Because of this, we can feel safe resting into the beautiful parts of life, and also feel supported and resourced when we need to face difficult things in the future.

Back to School: 4 key pieces to ease the transition

by Tiffany Garnett MACP, LMHCA

4 key pieces to ease the transition from summer to school.

1. Create Routines

Routines and predictability can ease the brain’s fear of the unknown. The human brain is designed to pause when it experiences new sensory data and attempt to predict what to expect. Often those predictions include negative experiences and feelings that have not been integrated. The best way of bypassing this natural tendency is to make the unknown known. This can be done by using calendars or schedules, taking school tours, meeting teachers or other staff. The more predictable and consistent the routine is, the less dysregulation will be felt.

Action Item: Create a daily/weekly schedule together allowing time to talk about what areas are creating stress and talk through things that feel mysterious or scary. Involving kids directly in this process allows more buy-in and acceptance of the routine.

2. Create Safety

Keeping it safe requires both physical and emotional safety. Most caretakers are very aware of keeping kids physically safe, but emotional safety can often feel like a foreign language. Be curious about what feels unsafe to your child. Threat and resiliency levels are different for every person; don’t assume you know how their world feels. Create a safe place to share any and all feelings. Not all behaviors are acceptable, but all feelings need to be acceptable.

Action Item- set aside a time each week to learn a new emotion. How does it feel to be delighted, preoccupied or frantic? Allow yourself to learn alongside your child.

3. Create Regulation

Even positive excitement of new grades, new friends and maybe even a new school can quickly turn into anxiety and overwhelm. Have some regulation tools up your sleeve to offer as ideas when kids are feeling dysregulated. Often, kids know exactly what they need to do to regulate themselves, they just need the freedom to do so in a socially acceptable way. Don’t be afraid to join in and normalize self-regulation.

Some common examples:

● Spinning or swinging

● Doodling

● Using fidget toys

● Listening to music

● Hanging upside down

● Eat something crunchy

● Do push ups or carry something heavy

Action Item - Share some of these regulation ideas with your kid and try out a few together, or ask your therapist for more ideas. What feels good? What feels awkward? We are all different and have different needs and that is OK! Make a list of your (and your child’s) favorites to pull out when things get difficult.

4. Create Congruence

Kids will do what you do, not what you say. If you are running around with a chaotic schedule, feeling dysregulated and full of anxiety - that is what your kids will see as normal and acceptable. Take the time to make sure your needs are met, you are regulated and your routines are as predictable and consistent as possible. Setting aside 30 minutes for self-care can change not just your day, but the trajectory of your whole family.

Action Item - Make a list of what self-care is for you. Dedicate 30 minutes per day for a week and talk about it. Self-care is something to be celebrated, not hidden. Make sure your family knows you are taking care of yourself just as you wish to take care of them. A small investment in yourself creates huge returns in everyone you love.

Burn out is real. Why now?

Why am I burnt out now?  Why now? The sun is out (maybe), summer is finally kicking off and yet I have no energy and I am tired.  I don’t remember summer feeling this way in years past.  It is easy to find our days beginning and ending with exhaustion.  What happened?

What happened is the world has lived through a pandemic, a global shutdown, political unrest, a complete resetting of norms.  We now have fuzzy expectations of the future and what once was solid ground now feels shaky or filled with potholes. In other words, we have survived. 

Survival—>Exhaustion/Burn out —>Rebuilding Reserves —>Thriving.

Survival

The feeling of burn out and exhaustion are the feelings of surviving when survival is no longer the greatest thing we are working towards. First of all, you are not alone.  You are not alone in your exhaustion and burn out.  Secondly, this is not the new norm and you will not be here forever.

It is helpful to begin to look at what roads you have travelled in the last 2.5 years.  Where were you before the pandemic hit? What was going on in your life when everything shut down? What did the months look like for you? What got pushed out? What rhythms were interrupted? What milestones did you miss out on? What has the impact been?

When we look at the specifics of what the past couple of years entail, clarity begins to form.  Hopefully with that clarity comes compassion.  Compassion for the ways in which you have survived all of those things to get you to today. Can you hold kindness towards yourself for getting through the past couple of years? 

Burnout/Exhaustion

What to do with the burn out and exhaustion now? Begin to name it with “of course…” Of course I am exhausted I have been _________.  Of course I am burnt out, I __________ and ________ these last couple of years. 

What if instead of chastising yourself for being tired, you name it as a product of surviving.  Hold gratitude that your body is no longer in survival mode so it can now feel its exhaustion.  When we name it, we feel it and we can heal it.

Rebuilding Reserves

What builds goodness into your life?

For some it is being outside.  Have you been outside with enjoyment?  

For some it is working out.  Have you been working out?

For some it is cooking.  Have you been in the kitchen cooking?

For some it is reading.  Have you been reading?

For some it is game night.  Have you been playing games?

Whatever it is for you.  Be curious. 

Are these still part of your life or have they gone to the wayside?  When did they disappear? What happens if you added one thing back in that fills you with goodness in the next month?

We are entering the time of rebuilding our resiliency.  The past couple of years has drained most of our reserves.  Let this summer be a summer of rest, goodness and refilling.  You do not have to do this alone.  We are here for you. 

What is one thing you can do today for filling your reserve?

Thriving

Having different bookends to your day.  When you do not start your day exhausted and end your day exhausted.  When you begin to feel that you are living your life vs your life running you. 

Thriving is living in freedom.  Thriving is feeling contentment with your day, your life and you. Thriving is feeling excitement, joy, energy and hope.  Laughter and tears have a home in a thriving life.

If you are feeling stuck in burn out, reach out.  If apathy has taken hold of the things that you once found life in, we are here for you. 

Living in Alignment

By ashley Bryan MS, lmhca

There has been a lot of ugliness in the world recently. Rates for people struggling with depression have skyrocketed. We struggle to find joy – to be fulfilled. The easiest answer is that there are no places left to find this level of happiness, but is that really true?

One of my favorite questions to ask my clients is simple: what are your values? I can typically get a quick answer – surely we have worked through this in our lifetime. Friends, family, love, health, wealth…. Easy right? I find it is often much more complex. It is a question that we have become so quick to answer that we don’t typically look for understanding of it at a greater level. Why do I value these things? What do they bring into my life? And more importantly, how do I live INTENTIONALLY and REGULARLY in alignment with them? I find that the answers to these questions are where we find joy and fulfillment.

It's common to believe that by simply recognizing things we feel are important, we are living a full life, but because of our nature to live in a fast paced world, it is often without any thought or intention and rather just “going through the motions.” One might say, I value family – I see family regularly – therefore I am living in alignment. I urge you to consider when the last time was that you recognized that seeing family makes you feel connected and loved and therefore you made a plan to do something with a family member with the intention to fulfill the needs behind that action. In order to live in alignment with your values, these things are vital.

RECOGNIZE your values: This is the starting point. We assess what things bring value to our life. Is it really family, friends, health and wealth? Of course they are important, but are they the values that, when met, fulfill our needs? What will you feel if you incorporate this value more often?

PLAN accordingly: Once you recognize these values, make a plan about what actions you can take to live in alignment with them. If you value health, what three things might you do this week to live a healthy lifestyle? Maybe you value friends – so make a plan to incorporate friends once this week. 

TAKE ACTION, INTENTIONALLY: Follow through with the plans you made to live in alignment, and recognize that you are doing this on purpose, because it is important, and you are nourishing a need in your life. Stay aware of the specific need you are fulfilling. Praise yourself for doing the work. Embrace the moment in which you take the action.

If you are recognizing a disconnect in your life, that feels empty or meaningless, it’s time to slow down and assess how we can bring connection and fulfillment back to your world. Check in with yourself, create sustainable changes and growth, implement boundaries and expectations. Do these things because you are worth it. You are valuable. You can be in charge of your joy and fulfillment.

Finally, reach out for guidance. From within, from a friend, or from us here at Thrive. We are always ready and excited to help you understand values and learn to live in alignment with them more frequently.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

Together for Mental Health.  #together4MH

May is mental health awareness month.  It is great to have a month spotlighting the importance of mental health: breaking stigma and bringing support. As therapists we are committed to this work year round to break stigma, bring healing and raise awareness. Often times we do not pay attention to our mental health until something goes wrong and our lives are not working the way they once were.  We experience burnout, anxiety, depression, or something feels off. We have wrongly believed in the past that mental health is something that “will just get better on it’s own” or “I can handle this on my own.”

For 2022’s Mental Health Awareness Month, The National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) has named this years theme “Together for Mental Health.”  This more than any other time are we experiencing a deep need for connection and togetherness.  

We need to create a world in which caring for our mental health is as important as caring for our physical bodies.  We know what happens when we stop caring for our bodies, they begin to break down and disease takes root.  This is also true with our mental health.  When we ignore the signs our body is telling us, we do not get better.  We get worse.  We need one another to stay healthy.  We need people to listen to us in a caring and non-judgemental way, we need others to weigh in on our experiences. Mental health is the foundation for functioning, for resilence, self-esteem, communication, relationships with both self and others.

Washington State Mental Health (according to the Department of Health):

• 3 in 10 adults (in the US) have reported an increase in depression and anxiety since 2020.

• 1 in 8 adults report having poor mental health.

• 1 in 3 10th graders report strongly depressive feelings.

• 33.5% of adults in Washington reported symptoms of anxiety and/or depression 

• In 2019 Suicide was the second leading cause of death among adolescents (aged 12-17) in the U.S.

In the past couple of years mental health needs have skyrocketed.  Our relationships have suffered, we have either been in too much contact or not enough.  Issues that have once been swept under are now taking over.  Maybe you need a third party to walk with you through the rough spots of the relationship and help create healthy communication.  

You do not have to walk through this alone.

Our children and adolescents are facing uncertainty and still processing what the past 2 years have been.  They are experiencing higher rates of anxiety, depression, and uncertainty.

Is your anxiety showing up when you are not in an anxious situation, but your body is responding with anxiety that doesn’t fit the situation?  Do you feel sad more than you feel happy?  Have you lost the “why” to your life, relationship and/or job?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to ask for help.  This is why we are here, we are here to help you step into your life with freedom and the fullness of who you are. 

The counselors here at Thrive Counseling Kirkland are here and ready to help.  Together for Mental Health.  Mental Health wellness is not achieved alone.

Your relationship with social media

By Molly Kitz Ma, lmhca

Social media has connected us in ways we never imagined would be possible. It is a creative outlet for artists, a place for people to share their voices and talents, a community for young people, and a platform to help families and friends remain connected from thousands of miles away. Unfortunately, social media is also highly addictive and often forces us to engage in unhealthy ways. Social media has a way of consuming us and controlling how we function, how we work, and how we interact with others. As we enter into a new season (come on summer, we are waiting!), let’s focus on how we can maintain a healthy relationship with social media. 

Stop Scrolling First Thing in the Morning

We are all guilty of rolling over first thing in the morning and grabbing our cell phones just to scroll social media. Before we even have time to rub our eyes, we are bombarded with bad news and forced to engage with the rest of the world in a sometimes, unhealthy manner. Starting your day off with social media can impact your productivity levels but more importantly, can impact your mood and set the tone for your entire day. Try to set a habit and instead of reaching for your phone, reach for a book or a cup of a coffee! Allow yourself time to wake up and connect to yourself before forcing yourself to connect to the rest of the virtual world!

Set Boundaries

If you find yourself using social media more than you would prefer, it’s time to set boundaries and be intentional with your social media use. Most cell phones nowadays are able to show you just how many hours you spend each day on social media. While this can lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment, you can utilize this tool to help set boundaries and healthy limits on your social media use. Even limiting your use by 15-20 minutes can significantly improve your mental health. Think of what you could be doing with an extra 15-20 minutes in your day!

Press that Unfollow Button

Social media platforms are a playground for influencers and celebrities. Some of these accounts are helpful and can provide you with motivation and ideas. On the flip side, many accounts can leave us with feelings that ultimately harm our overall well-being and mental health. If you find that your social media feed is filled with accounts that cause you to feel upset, stressed, unhappy, or negatively impacts your self-confidence – UNFOLLOW! You have control when it comes to what you expose yourself to on a daily basis. Don’t be afraid to unfollow accounts that don’t build you up. 

Social media is a highlight reel! Don’t compare your whole life to a snapshot.

Don’t Compare

You have heard this before….social media is a highlight reel! You would probably agree that you only post photos or highlights when you feel or look like your best self. Certainly, we are not going to post a picture of us on Instagram when we first wake up. Keep this in mind when you are scrolling. Try not to get down on yourself and compare your life to others while viewing only a small part of their life. And if all else fails, follow the step above this one and unfollow!

Take a Break

It’s ok to decide to take a break from social media. Whether that break lasts 1 day or 30 days or maybe it’s even permanent. Cell phones make it easy to simply delete apps off your phone to help with the temptation of using (don’t worry – deleting the app won’t delete your account!). Disconnecting with social media can have a positive impact on your mental health and productivity! If taking a break seems too drastic, try silencing notifications so you aren’t constantly being alerted. 

Social media isn’t all bad – it is an amazing tool that has positively impacted many parts of our lives. However, just like anything else, sometimes too much of a good thing can turn bad. Personalize your social media interactions, feeds, and engagements so they best suit you and help you maintain a healthy relationship with the virtual world. 

Uncertainty and what to do about it.

If there was ever a theme for the past couple of years, uncertainty would be a contender. It feels as though we are living in uncertain times.  Uncertain of how COVID is going to mutate and the continued impacts we are experiencing.  Impacts either from the virus itself or how we live our day to day lives.  Recently we are faced with the devastation and uncertainty of the Ukrainian people. First a pandemic and now war.  That is a heavy sentence.  Our lives are filled with the feeling of uncertainty.

When we are feeling uncertain it is easy to feel overwhelmed.  It is easy to feel that everything is out of control. It is easy to get swept up in a spiral of powerlessness. Where we cannot control everything, we do have agency. 

It is helpful to look at what is happening beneath the initial reaction and the initial feeling.  It is counter-intuitive to be curious at what is causing discomfort for us. The more we run away or collapse into our feelings of uncertainty, the more powerless we feel. 

We know what happens when we run away from our feelings.  A small sampling of what we find ourselves doing is: numbing out on social media, isolating from people in our life, feeling apathetic, drinking more than we ought to, stop showing up for ourselves and let our days coast by.  We believe the lie that we cannot do anything to make a difference.

When we collapse into our feelings, we consume more and more news.  We despair that this is the way life is always going to be, we isolate from people, we give up pursuing (dreams, goals or people).  We believe the lie that nothing matters.

When we are curious and turns toward our uncertainty; we become empowered, we engage and connect.  By looking at the places we find ourselves overwhelmed, we begin to see the patterns of that feeling in our lives.  When we see the pattern, we are then able to heal.  Why does the constantly evolving nature of COVID create anxiety?  Perhaps it is because we grew up in chaos and have made a commitment to never be out of control again.  Perhaps it is the countless childhood stories you have of goodness or hope being dangled in front of you only to be ripped away again.

Whether you move towards running away from your feeling or collapse, or flip flop between the two, one thing is constant and that is the sense of isolation and the need to pull away.  When we isolate we do not show our face.  We cannot bear to have our face be seen and we long to be seen—this is the paradox.  We need one another.  We need other people to see where we are at and say, “You are not alone. You do not have to be alone in this.” We do not need anyone to offer us a platitude but we do need someone to sit with us.  The power of presence is what chases away uncertainty.  It is okay to feel overwhelmed, uncertain, powerless and stuck.  And having another person bear witness to us in these moments creates doorways for us to walk through. 

Where can you be seen? Whom can you share your stories with?  Who sees you? Who has seen you? Who do you see? Where have you pulled away and isolated?

My invitation to you is to reach out to someone today.  Intentionally engage.

If right now reaching out to people in your life feels too big, we are available to be with you.  Reach out to us here. 

For helping the Ukrainian people: Saint Javelin and Unite With Ukraine

Playing for restoration

It’s cold and dark out.  In the Seattle area, we call this January.  We are a few weeks out from Christmas and New Years.  Our homes are put back to order, for many our New Years resolutions are put back on the shelf—to be revisited at the end of the year.  A common refrain that I have been hearing is one of tired and listlessness.  There is also an increase in anxiety and depression with the fast-paced Omicron.  The way that Omicron is spreading it is leading to questions of when vs if.  We are all longing for something.  We are tired. This has been a long two years of living in a pandemic.  For many our resiliency is frayed. 

Where do we go from here?  We need to play.  We need to increase our play, our adventure and our rest.  "The opposite of play is not work - the opposite of play is depression." Says Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play.  We have been working hard, especially during this pandemic.  We are in desperate need for levity.  All good play leaves us more refreshed and feeling alive at the end of it. 

For many adults when we think of play, we think we don’t have time for it:

·      it’s a thing from our past

·      we are too busy

·      when we complete ----, we will have time for it. 

I would like to argue the opposite.  If we do not make time for play and adventure, we will begin to experience a breakdown of our bodies and our minds.  We are wired for play.  Children are creative, curious, and inventive.  Somewhere along the way we lose sight of this and our capacity for play gets replaced with a demand for productivity and accomplishment.  Do you remember the last time you laughed until you had tears streaming down your face? Or you settled in to watch a good movie--and you really watched the movie instead of being on your phone or computer?

How do we reconnect with play? Good play always involves risk.  Enough risk that you are required to be all in.  In good play there is no past or future, there is just the present.  The beauty of this is the definition of good play is unique to you.  The possibilities are endless, but the result is the same—Restoration. 

What are some ways that you get recharged?  Here are some examples of restorative play:

·      Working on a puzzle

·      Hiking

·      Skiing

·      Sitting by water

·      Bird watching

·      Cooking

·      Trying a new restaurant

·      Going for a bike ride

My challenge to you is to block off time on your calendar and go play.  If not now, when?  Now seems like a very good time to me to plan an adventure and book out play. Everything will be the here when you re-enter.  But you will be different.  By playing you are increasing your resiliency, building in goodness to your body and mind and boosting your immune system. 

If you need help figuring out how to get started with play, to reconnect with your curiosity and creativity, we are here to help.

Ending 2021 Well

By Ashley Bryan MA, LMHCA

If you’re like me, time seems to fly endlessly. It can be difficult to find moments in which we are able to relish rather than moving straight into the next. 2021 has not been entirely different. A blink of a year almost, until we sit and reflect. Another difficult year for so many. As we move into 2022 many of us discuss how we can start that year. What new goals can I make? How can I do this year differently? How can I create a less difficult year for myself? Those are important questions to ask ourselves, surely. However, how do we find real answers to these questions? Being mindful of our emotional health is exactly where we should begin. Through self-reflection our self-awareness grows, therefore creating a space to understand what we are capable of and what we need to work on.

The humanity inside of us often has us run from scary things. From the bad, hard, indifferent moments in our lives. Away from discomfort. Because of this, many of us just close off what we have faced during difficult times and therefore cannot understand how to create necessary change moving forward or give ourselves credit for change we have already established. This is where we can identify strengths and resiliencies as well as fallacies and short comings. I ask you to sit with me in this space and reflect without running.

What was hard for you this year? What did you do about it? How did you survive to see 2022? When times get difficult people often forget what their strengths were. There is a reason you were able to pass through a challenge in your life. Maybe it’s your own tenacity. Maybe it’s the connectedness you had with others. It could be because you engaged in a lot of self-care. Whatever the reason – note it.

I could not have survived these difficult moments if I had not…… (fill in the blank, this is your starting point).

Now what could you have used more of? Think of it this way:

I would have been able to handle that better if I had…… (again, reflect on this and take note). This should give you an outline on what has helped create emotional health for you during this past year and what your needs are moving into the next. Valuing your emotional health should serve as a guideline on how to move forward – this is where we find the answers to what our goals for 2022 should be.

Upon reflecting, what are some starting points to care for our emotional health?

• Care for your physical health: Exercise, give your body foods it needs, sleep good hours, see your physician, and avoid substance use – particularly if you’re using it to cope with challenges.

• Manage stress: Balance tasks, include hobbies, ask for help. Incorporating mindfulness activities is also very important. These can include meditation, music, journaling, or talking to someone.

• Keep connected: Surround yourself with friends and family. Do your part to engage in relationships. Find a space in your village that is comfortable and nourishing to you.

If you feel like you cannot reflect on the year alone, reach out to us today so we can help guide you through processing this difficult time and make a plan to lead you to a fulfilling, authentic 2022.

Navigating Family during the holidays

By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

Ah, the holidays. A season of great joy…and many times, a season of endless frustration with our families. Family gatherings can be a great chance to create new memories, with fun and laughter. For some, however, they can also open up old wounds, and even create new wounds. It can be difficult to know how best to approach family gatherings during the holidays. Do I go? Do I stay home and avoid the potential conflict? If I go and there is conflict, how do I stay true to myself, but also not rock the boat? Or maybe, do I want to do things differently this year and begin to rock the boat, begin to change the dynamics in my family that I am just sick of? It often feels like choosing between two bad options: attending the family gathering and pretending to be someone you’re not, or skipping out altogether and possibly missing out on the good times. The first gives you a chance to participate in the joy of company and of the season, but forces you to be inauthentic and incongruent with your inner self. The second allows you to stay true to yourself, but also leads you to being alone and fosters greater isolation and disconnection.

But what if I asked you to consider a third option? What if, this holiday season, you didn’t need to make an action plan on doing things differently with your family? What if the third option I suggested to you was, simply, to observe? A third option is to pretend to be a third-party detective—a curious, perceptive outsider—while you are at your family gatherings, and simply, notice how everyone is interacting. How do your parents talk to each other and to you? How do they react when things become stressful? What relational patterns do you notice coming up? How do you notice you are different when you’re with them? Do you become more anxious and fixated on being a pleaser? Do you become more reserved and numb? What role do you find yourself stepping into? Some of my favorite questions also revolve around age. How old do you feel inside when you are at home for the holidays? For example, if you are a 32-year-old woman, do you still feel like an adult at home, or do you begin to feel invisible and timid, like an 8-year- old little girl? Notice how others relate to you, how you relate to others, and how you relate to yourself in the presence of your family.

This simple act of noticing is often the first step to breaking free from the entanglement of our families of origin. Once we identify the roles that we step into in the presence of our families, we can make sense of why these roles were necessary in order to help us survive, to succeed, or to feel safe and loved. Then, we can decide if these roles are as honoring to us today as they were when we were younger. Often, we realize that they hurt us more now than they help us. We can bless those parts of us that took on roles to protect us in the past, while looking forward to a future with our family in which we can choose a different role to take on—one that is more honoring to our true selves. Changing our roles in our families can often be the catalyst for upending the entire family dynamic. Because of this, it can lead to more conflict initially. However, in taking the courage to create new patterns in your family by stepping out of old ones, you are inviting everyone in your family to greater freedom and depth in relationships than your family system has ever known.

Families are hard. As the old saying goes, you can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them. They are great sources of joy and security, and they can also be sources of frustration and harm. You can change the dynamic by simply starting to notice how you show up in your family. We at Thrive Counseling Kirkland would love to come alongside you as you begin to observe your family dynamics, and we want to help you break free of places you may feel bound by in your family and pursue greater freedom and depth in these relationships.

Fall blues

By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

The leaves have changed and begun to fall. As we see the barren trees and vibrant colors littering the cold, dewy grass, we are faced with both the loss and growth, the grief and joy, of the changing seasons. Summer is a time of vibrancy, a season full of life. Long, sunny days that stretch on endlessly, inviting us to consider and explore the possibilities that life holds. Soon the days begin to shorten, the world seems to darken, and leaves transform into a cascade of golden red. One by one, they let go of their summer home and succumb to the earth, ushering in a new season—a season of shorter days, barren trees, and for us in the Pacific Northwest, endless rainfall. The changing landscape surrounding us invites us to consider the inherent rhythms and rituals of nature and reflect on the place of rhythm and ritual our own lives.

For many people, this ushering in of fall brings with it a shift in mood, in perspective. Some people enjoy the light pitter-patter of rain as background music and can’t wait to curl up by the fire with a good book on dark nights. However, some people experience something known as “fall blues,” as the joy and life of summer gives way to familiar feelings of grief, of heaviness, of succumbing. For some, the new season seems to usher in a thin blanket of darkness that they can’t seem to shake off until nature again awakens in spring and summer. During this time, it can be a challenge to pursue joy and life, when nature around us seems to be hibernating. After all, work still needs to get done, the house needs to be cleaned, and kids need help with homework. Our society continues to sprint forward, despite the slowing down we see outside our own windows and in our very backyards. How can we manage the incongruence between our inner world and the world around us? How do we stay present to our inner experiences of grief and heaviness and still intentionally choose to participate in life with joy each day?

Rhythms and rituals can aid us during these times of transition, during times when we feel a disconnect between our internal and external worlds. They can help us stay mindful to and express our inner experiences, while providing us forward momentum that carries us through difficult times. A ritual is a ceremonial act, often associated with spirituality of religion, that has meaning and is repeated in a precise, consistent manner. Some examples might be prayer or meditation, birthday celebrations, and family game nights. Similarly, rhythms are regularly recurring sequences of events, also often referred to as routines. Some examples include Tuesday Taco Nights, laundry on Saturdays, and meal prepping on Sundays. These could often be interchangeable, depending on you or your culture.

Rhythms and rituals provide consistency and predictability, and this creates a level of comfort and safety for our bodies, in an otherwise changing and heavy world. A rhythm or ritual could look like so many different things! It could look like doing 10 minutes of yoga at the beginning and end of every day, cooking dinner with a partner at night, weekly coffee with a good friend, or taking a warm bath at night to decompress. No matter what it looks like, it should bring a sense of calm and relief to your mind and body and reconnect you with yourself and/or others. It should bring you life and awaken the part of you, however small, that wants to pursue joy, wholeness, and integration.

In establishing these rhythms and rituals, we can bring life and grounding to our inner worlds in a time of transition and heaviness. In doing so, we also reflect the rhythms of nature we see around us, bringing harmony to our inner selves by mirroring our outer world. By marking the transition from summer to fall with rituals, and by using rhythms to guide us through fall and winter until the world awakens in spring, we can signal to our bodies and minds that change is coming—and that it need not be something to fear, but instead, can invite us to a period of grief and rest, in anticipation of days of joy and adventure to come.

If you are needing someone to walk with you through the transition into fall and winter, to help establish rituals that bring life and pursue we are here for you. You do not have to do this alone, reach out today.

Why does gratitude matter?

by Ashley Bryan MS, LMHCA

I’m thankful for. I am fortunate to have. I appreciate.

All important sentiments as we wrap up another year. Another tough year at that. We are still feeling burdens of the pandemic and a social division that has created many hardships for many people.

“Hopefully next year is better.” “Can’t wait for 2022.”

These are the sentiments being distributed. And for good reason. It’s been HARD.

But has there been good? Have we been blessed? Do we have value in our life?

Gratitude is a vital emotion to embrace and connect with. Being grateful runs much deeper than #ThankfulThursday or #Blessed. Deeper than a thank you to the person who passed us the salt or the gentleman that held the door open.

What does it mean to be grateful? Feeling gratitude creates a space where we are able to be still and understand value in our lives and the people who surround us. Being grateful elicits an ability to receive both tangible and intangible blessings gracefully and soundly. True appreciation for life comes from the ability to feel genuine gratitude.

Being grateful holds many benefits to ourselves and others.

Mental health has been shown to improve drastically when we hold gratitude in our lives. When we allow stress and anxiety to consume us we often lose sight of the value to life. Negativity is always easier to see than positivity but gratitude creates a space where we are forced to see the positive aspects of our lives therefore creating hopefulness and serenity even in difficult moments.

Physical health is increased by incorporation of gratitude. Feeling positivity over stress allows for our bodies to thrive. We are more easily able to get quality sleep and take care of ourselves when we can focus on what we have to live for. Being grateful creates a desire to care for ourselves.

Relationships thrive when we utilize gratitude. Receiving things gratefully allows us a space to become thankful for the people in which we are receiving these things from. When we are thankful we show this appreciation to the important people in our lives and find ourselves in space in which we are able to also become more generous to these people in return, creating hopeful joy in a systemic manner.

Gratitude makes us resilient.

If we have no gratitude, we lose hope. We cannot value our lives without gratitude. Without value we can have no reason to overcome difficult moments and thrive.

But how do we display gratitude?

The fast paced, mundane tasks of life have led us to a slowed connection with gratitude. Surely most of us find ourselves saying “thank you” when we are given something or feel that somebody was there for us but how much of that has become a robotic response and how much of that is genuinely deep gratitude? Because this response has become an elicited action it does not often accompany true levels of gratitude. Gratitude should be intentional.

Write it down. Find time to privately embrace what you’re thankful for.

Pay it back. Make a plan to give other people a reason to feel grateful.

Elaborate. Make note of how life is different because of what you have.

DO THESE THINGS WITH REGULARITY.

Life is hard for everyone. Ugliness is obvious. Difficulty is exhausting. It would be EASY to sit and wonder why we have it so bad but this is not healthy. For yourself and for others, find what it is that makes it so good. So worth it. Challenge yourself to make gratitude a part of your daily routine and see how it changes your perspective. People do not regret being grateful. Gratitude does not harm your life.

If you are having a hard time finding what to have gratitude for contact us today. We are grateful for you.

Healthcare Professionals: We see you

Healthcare Professionals: You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup

Molly Kitz MA, LMHC

Over the last year and a half, healthcare professionals have worked tirelessly to save countless lives and work towards a new sense of normalcy. The COVID-19 pandemic has added another layer to the already stressful field of healthcare. Trauma of losing patients to COVID-19, longer hours/more shifts, taking on new roles within your position, shortage of protective equipment, concern for the well-being of yourself and your family, the ongoing uncertainty when it comes to potential staffing shortages as a result of the vaccine mandate, and compassion fatigue.

Compassion fatigue and burnout are two experiences that many healthcare professionals will or have experienced in their career. So, what is compassion fatigue? Sometimes referred to as secondary trauma, compassion fatigue is the emotional, psychological, and even physical impact of being in a helping profession and taking on the trauma and stress related to your job. It eventually leads to worsening mental health symptoms including feelings of hopelessness, depression, exhaustion, dissatisfaction, irritability, and eventually burnout. Burnout is the unfortunate outcome of ongoing stress and trauma in the workplace. It leads to exhaustion, reduced effectiveness and productivity at work, and mistrusting or feelings of doubt. Burnout and compassion fatigue not only impact you as healthcare workers, but also the work environment and the care provided to patients. Unfortunately, the battle against COVID-19 has been long and draining, which has drastically increased already very high rates of burnout amongst healthcare workers. 

Do not neglect yourself.

Your mental health is key to keeping you physically and emotionally healthy.

It might be easy to recognize when it is time to seek help for your mental health but for many professionals, burnout and compassion fatigue are far too normalized. Don’t neglect yourself. Managing your mental health is key!

Ways to Manage Your Mental Health 

1. Seek therapy: you have likely heard this a million times over the last year and a half, but seeking therapy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Experiencing stress, trauma, and compassion fatigue as a healthcare worker are inevitable but a mental health professional can help you manage and process your experiences and trauma through the use of various therapeutic modalities and coping skills. Pro tip: Reach out to your employer and ask for information about your company’s EAP (employee assistance program), which often provides free counseling sessions for your and your family. 

2. Feel the feelings: your job is a stressful one, no doubt. Feeling the emotions and impacts from high stress work is in no way a reflection on your ability to effectively perform your job or a sign of weakness. Give yourself the grace and time to feel all of your emotions and if too heavy to carry alone, follow step 1 or 3. 

3. Stay connected: your colleagues can understand the immense pressure that comes from working through a pandemic as a healthcare worker. Stay connected with each other, talk to a trusted supervisor or colleague, perform check-ins. You are stronger together!

4. Take care of yourself: take your breaks, take your lunches, use your PTO, get outside! You are working and living in a difficult time, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to care for yourself. Make sure to feed your soul with things that make you happy and utilize coping strategies that help you manage your stress to avoid burnout.

5. Check your quality of life: if you feel that you may be experiencing compassion fatigue, the professional quality of life scale can help you better understand your own experiences as well as the many symptoms that come with compassion fatigue. 

Although there are stressors and trauma related to the healthcare field, there is also a level of compassion satisfaction, the positive feelings associated with helping or healing others, that you probably feel. Being a healthcare professional is a noble calling. Your job as a healthcare professional is one that requires you to care endlessly for your patients and sometimes, their family members. But you can’t pour from an empty cup - caring for others also requires that you care for yourself. Remind yourself that although you are working through a challenging time, your work is important, selfless, and beyond appreciated.  

Healthcare professionals, we thank you for the work that you have provided and are continuing to provide. Reach out today to receive care for you, you are important and you matter.

First Responders

Firefighters, Law Enforcement Officers, EMT's: The Other Heroes During COVID-19

By Molly Kitz MA, LMHCA

Practicing Self-Care as a First Responder During COVID-19

Over the last 18 months, first responders have experienced a variety of environmental stressors beyond the already stressful nature of your job. Public distrust, civil unrest, increased natural disasters, political strife, and staffing concerns are just a small list of the stressors plaguing you as a first responder. And then you add COVID-19 to the mix and the level of emotional stress and uncertainty drastically increases. The job of a first responder typically involves uncertain situations - there are certain facts that you must take into consideration when responding to calls but there is also an element of uncertainty that comes with each call. COVID-19 is one of those situations where you can’t articulate the threat, leaving lots of uncertainty and emotional exhaustion. 

Much like other helping professionals, first responders experience excessive stress both on and off the job. Throughout the pandemic, you as first responders have worked in challenging conditions to ensure safety in the community. However, the job of a first responder is not one that stops as soon as the shift ends. In the world of COVID-19, you have to be concerned about the health and safety of not only your own family but also the citizenry that you come in contact with on a day-to-day basis. It can feel like there is no escaping the COVID-19 pandemic, as the high stress of being a first responder has begun permeating every facet of your lives. 

Now more than ever, it is imperative that you prioritize your own self-care and well-being to help alleviate stress and trauma related to your position. By prioritizing self-care, you can avoid falling into negative, maladaptive behavior patterns, which can ultimately help avoid burnout. 

Ways to Practice Self-Care

1. Remain connected with those around you. Utilize your social support systems and maintain strong relationships, even in a time when social distancing remains important. Focus on your team dynamic as your team is your family while on and off the job

2. Practice good sleep hygiene. Get yourself into a bedtime routine, which might include setting sleep and wake times, limiting screen time, and creating an environment that promotes restful sleep

3. Maintaining an exercise routine remains important when it comes to feeling your best. Find an exercise routine that works for you and meets your needs; this looks different for everyone!

4. Practice relaxation techniques. Box breathing is something simple yet powerful technique you can do to help with relaxation:    

   1. Close your eyes and begin inhaling for 4 seconds, breathing in through your nose

   2.  Hold your breath for 4 seconds, trying to emphasize relaxing your jaw

   3. Exhale slowly for 4 seconds

   4. Repeat until your feel relaxed, ideally 1 to 3 times

5. Seek professional help. Knowing when to reach out to a mental health professional to discuss your symptoms is an important part of practicing self-care. At Thrive Counseling Kirkland we have therapists who know and understand your world and what you face both on and off the job. There also an abundance of mental health and crisis resources available to First Responders including Code 4 Northwest.

6. Self-Care Toolkit is a great source to utilize for practicing further self-care methods that are especially helpful for first responders

Knowing when to reach out is an important part of self care and trauma resiliency

Whether you are EMS, fire, or LE, environmental stressors can impact you at any given time. Working as a first responder during a pandemic adds an additional layer of stress, uncertainty, and exhaustion. Although you are used to putting the needs of the community that you serve first, practicing self-care in the midst of the current climate is important to maintaining your mental health, your resiliency, and your passion for your job.

If you would like support, we are available, reach out today. We thank you and support you as you serve tirelessly and endlessly for our community.