It’s something that every parent prays will never happen to their child or at their school, but unfortunately it does happen, and recently it seems to be occurring with alarming frequency.
In the wake of recent news stories about children and teens being sexually abused by teachers, school counselors, and other educators, we are faced with the difficult reality that individuals that interact daily with our children can misuse their positions of trust and power to abuse and coerce kids that they are entrusted to protect. Parents and other concerned adults are left shocked and fearful, wondering how to protect their kids, how to explain these incidents to their children, and what they can say to teach their children how to protect themselves.
Discussing incidents of sexual predatory behavior with our kids is a tough conversation to have. It becomes even tougher when the incident occurs at a local community school and is perpetrated by a teacher or faculty member that is highly regarded by both parents and students. In these cases, the conversation needs to go beyond discussing the actual incident itself and needs to include issues of betrayal, loss, and trust.
Even if your child was not in a class with the teacher, or did not attend the school where the incident occurred, it would be misguided to think that they won’t hear about it. Today’s technology ensures that news spreads fast. Now more than ever, kids need to know that they can trust their parents to have open and honest conversations with them. It’s a teachable moment that provides an opportunity to remind our kids that, unfortunately, we never know who might be a sexual predator.
Understandably, these types of incidents bring up strong feelings in parents. Parents may feel a sense of fear, anger, and confusion. It’s essential, however, for parents to remain open, neutral, and calm when talking to their kids about occurrences of sexual predatory behavior. Kids will sense if it’s a taboo subject, and they need to know that their parents can handle the conversation and that they have a safe space to share and talk at any time.
Further, it’s especially important to talk to our kids not from a fear-based perspective, but from one in which we can offer tools for handling a situation like this should they be faced with it in the future.
A first step in talking to our kids is to start out with a sense of inquiry as to what knowledge the child may already have about the incident. This allows parents to dispel any mistruths and to fill in the blanks of missing information without going into too much detail.
It’s also important to note that a child’s reaction may not come right away. It may come weeks later, and emotions may be mixed. Parents need to accept and be okay with whatever their child says. The child might be angry about the incident but sad if they liked the teacher. They may want to go to school and be with their friends but be fearful of who to trust. It’s a loss for them that may leave them wary of other adults in their lives that they have previously trusted. It’s okay for you to share your feelings, too, as long as it’s done calmly. Continue to reassure them that no matter what, it’s safe to come to you to talk.
The following guidelines can further empower parents to take steps to protect their kids and keep our communities safe.
Put Safety First
See something, say something, do something. If you suspect that there is a safety problem, take personal responsibility for doing something to address it. This means speaking up persistently and widely until effective action is taken. Then make sure to follow up to find out what is being done in response to your concerns. Children and young people are inherently vulnerable and need help and protection, and anyone that is abusing them or violating their trust needs to be stopped.
Make sure you know what someone is doing with your kids.
When in doubt, check it out! Remember that anyone can be an abuser. As parents and other caring adults, we need to face the reality that there are sexual predators who will create opportunities to be alone with kids by doing wonderful things with and for them. Most of these offenders will seem like really nice people with excellent reputations. Many will even provide truly important services to most of the children they work with. It’s important to recognize, however, that being part of a school or other reputable organization does not automatically warrant trust. If you sense a problem, follow up. Check each person out for yourself, especially if he or she is going to be alone with your child. Trust your intuition if something feels uncomfortable to you. Watch out for someone who seems to single out certain kids for special attention and private relationships, who seeks social and recreational opportunities to be alone with kids without other adults present, or who is not open to parents and other responsible adults being fully informed about what is going on.
Listen to your children and teach them not to keep unsafe secrets.
Most abusers cultivate strong relationships with children before doing anything sexual. Often, they start by testing a child’s boundaries and will then target children who they are confident won’t tell. Get kids into the habit of talking to you by asking supportive questions, being a good listener, and not lecturing. Ask if there is anything they’ve been wondering about or worrying about that they haven’t told you. Thank the child for telling you and listen with interest to the answers. Emphasize that they tell you about anyone whose behavior makes them uncomfortable, even if they really like this person, so you can figure out what to do to keep everyone safe. Be very clear with all children in your life that secrets about problems, touch, favors, gifts, photos, videos, privileges, and games are not safe. Their job is to tell you, even if someone they care about will be upset or embarrassed.
Prepare young people to take charge of their safety by practicing skills.
Create rules around safety with your children and help them to practice enforcing these rules. Swift and direct action can often stop abuse: pushing someone’s hand away, ordering someone to stop, leaving as soon as you can, resisting emotional coercion, and telling another adult. Kids are more likely to be able to take actions like these if they understand their safety rules and have the chance to practice following the rules in a fun, age- appropriate way. Use non-sexual examples such as tickling or roughhousing to role-play with kids the skills for setting boundaries on touch and teasing. Using non-sexual examples gives kids practice on how to interrupt a busy adult and speak up about a safety problem. Practice what to do if the adult doesn’t listen, too. Teach them to persist and, if needed, to keep telling different adults until someone helps solve the problem.
As parents, we hope to never receive news that our children are in danger of being abused. But we can take steps to prepare ourselves, and our kids.
If you are concerned that a child you know is being abused, contact your pediatrician, the local child protection service agency, or the police. It is essential that you intervene to make certain that the abuse doesn’t continue.
If you feel that you or your child(ren) need more support in navigating this, reach out today. We have trauma informed counselors ready to help.