What I Wish My Parents Knew: A Teen's Perspective on "Soiling the Nest"

part 2 (of three)

Hey parents. So apparently what I'm going through has a name—"soiling the nest"—and apparently it's normal. Who knew? I've been feeling like I'm going crazy, and honestly, I think I've been making everyone else feel crazy too. But since you're probably googling "why does my teenager hate me" at 2 AM, I thought I'd let you in on what's actually going on in my head. Maybe it'll help both of us survive this.

What's Really Going On Inside My Brain

First, you need to understand that I don't actually hate you. I know it seems like I do. I know I act like everything you do annoys me, and honestly, sometimes it really does. But it's not because you're terrible parents or because you've done something wrong. It's because I'm terrified, and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm about to leave everything I've ever known. This house, my room, family dinners, you being there when I get home from school—all of it is about to disappear. And everyone keeps telling me how excited I should be, how this is the best time of my life, how I'm going to love college. But what if I don't? What if I can't handle it? What if I fail?

So when you ask me what I want for dinner, or if I've started my college applications, or if I'm excited about leaving, sometimes it feels like too much. It's easier to snap at you than to admit I'm scared.

Why I'm Being So Difficult

When I roll my eyes at your questions: I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I'm overwhelmed. Every question feels like pressure, like another reminder that I'm supposed to have everything figured out when I definitely don't.

When I criticize everything you do: I'm practicing being independent. I'm trying to convince myself (and you) that I don't need you anymore, because leaving will hurt less if I believe that.

When I spend all my time with friends: They're going through the same thing I am. They get it. Plus, I know I won't see them every day much longer, and that's scary too.

When I'm moody and unpredictable: My emotions are all over the place. I'm excited and terrified and sad and angry, sometimes all at the same time. I don't know how to handle it, so it comes out sideways.

When I avoid family activities: They make me sad. They remind me that this phase of my life is ending, and I'm not ready to face that yet.

What I Need From You (Even When I Act Like I Don't)

I Need You to Stay Calm When I'm Not

When I'm freaking out about college applications, or having a meltdown about something stupid, I need you to be the steady one. I know I act like I don't want your help, but I need to know you're there. I just might not be ready to accept help in the moment.

What helps: "I'm here when you're ready to talk." What doesn't help: "You need to calm down and be grateful."

I Need You to Stop Taking Everything Personally

I know it's hard when I'm being mean or distant, but it's really not about you. I'm working through my own stuff, and unfortunately, you're the safest people to take it out on because I know you'll love me anyway.

What helps: Staying consistent with your love, even when I'm difficult. What doesn't help: Getting defensive or making it about how I'm hurting your feelings.

I Need Independence, But Not Abandonment

This is the tricky part. I need to feel like I can make my own decisions and handle my own problems, but I also need to know you're still my safety net. I might push you away, but I need you to stay close enough to catch me if I fall.

What helps: Asking "Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?" What doesn't help: Either taking over completely or backing off entirely.

I Need You to Believe in Me

Even when I don't believe in myself. Even when I'm acting like I can't handle anything. I need you to have confidence that I'll figure it out, because right now I'm not sure I will.

What helps: "I trust you to handle this" or "You've got good judgment." What doesn't help: "You're not ready for college" or "I don't know what you're going to do without me."

I Need Normal Expectations

Don't suddenly treat me like I'm made of glass because I'm leaving soon. Don't stop expecting me to do chores or follow rules because you feel bad about our relationship being strained. I need structure, even when I fight it.

What helps: Maintaining normal family rules and expectations. What doesn't help: Walking on eggshells or letting me get away with everything.

I Need You to Take Care of Yourselves

When you're sad or stressed about me leaving, I can feel it, and it makes my guilt worse. I already feel bad about pulling away and being difficult. If I think I'm ruining your lives too, it's overwhelming.

What helps: You having your own support system and interests. What doesn't help: Making me responsible for your emotional well-being.

What I Wish You Understood

My mess isn't about disrespecting you: My room being a disaster and leaving dishes everywhere isn't because I don't care about the house. I'm overwhelmed and focusing all my energy on getting through each day.

I still need you, just differently: I might not want to talk about my feelings or hang out like we used to, but I still need to know you're there. Sometimes just knowing you're home is enough.

I'm not rejecting our relationship: I'm trying to figure out how to love you from a distance. That's really hard when I've never had to do it before.

I'm doing my best: Even when it doesn't look like it. Even when I'm failing at basic things like being pleasant at dinner. This transition is harder than I expected.

I'm grateful, even when I don't show it: I know you've sacrificed for me. I know you love me. I know you've been good parents. I just can't always express that right now without falling apart.

Things That Actually Help

Text me random stuff: Funny memes, pictures of the dog, or just "thinking of you." It keeps us connected without pressure.

Respect my processing time: If I say "I don't want to talk about it," believe me. I might be ready later, but pushing won't help.

Keep doing nice things without expecting thanks: Leave my favorite snacks around, offer to drive me places, or just do small things that show you care. I notice, even if I don't say anything.

Ask about my friends and interests: Show you care about my world, not just my college plans and future.

Share your own stories: Tell me about when you were scared or facing big changes. It helps me feel less alone.

Be patient with my timeline: I might not want to talk about college stuff when you want to, but I might randomly bring it up at 11 PM when you're trying to watch TV.

Things That Make It Worse

Constantly bringing up how much you'll miss me: I know. I'll miss you too. Talking about it all the time makes the guilt worse.

Comparing me to other kids: "Sarah's so excited about college" or "Jake helps his parents pack." Every kid handles this differently.

Making everything about college: Sometimes I just want to complain about my math teacher without it becoming a conversation about time management skills for college.

Taking my mood personally: If I'm quiet at dinner, it might not be about you. It might just be that I had a bad day.

Trying to force family bonding time: If you want to spend time together, make it low-key. Forced fun usually backfires.

What I Want You to Know About the Future

I'm not going to stop loving you when I leave. I'm not going to forget everything you've taught me. I'm not going to become a completely different person. But I am going to change, and that's scary for all of us.

I know this phase is hard on you too. I see you trying to figure out how to parent me when I don't want to be parented. I see you being patient when I'm being impossible. I see you letting me go even though it's breaking your heart.

I need you to know that underneath all the attitude and mood swings, I'm incredibly grateful. You've given me everything I need to succeed in the world, even if I'm too scared and overwhelmed to acknowledge that right now.

The Bottom Line

I'm not "soiling the nest" because I don't love home or because I can't wait to get away from you. I'm doing it because leaving is terrifying, and this is the only way I know how to cope. I'm practicing being independent while still needing you desperately. I'm trying to convince myself I'll be okay on my own while secretly hoping you'll always be there to come back to.

Be patient with me. Trust that the kid you raised is still in here somewhere, even when I'm being awful. Keep loving me even when I make it hard. And remember that if I felt safe enough to fall apart with you, it means you did something really right.

This phase won't last forever. I'll figure out how to be independent AND maintain our relationship. I'll learn how to love you from a distance. And someday, probably sooner than we both think, I'll call you just because I want to talk, not because I need something.

Until then, can we just try to survive this together?

Love (even when I don't show it), Your Temporarily Impossible Teenager

"Soiling the Nest": Understanding Why Teenagers Push Away From Home

Part One (of Three)

I've witnessed countless parents struggle with a confusing and painful phenomenon: their once-loving child, typically around age 15-17, suddenly becomes hostile, defiant, and seemingly intent on creating chaos at home. This behavior, often referred to as "soiling the nest," is more common than many parents realize and serves an important developmental purpose, even when it feels deeply hurtful.

What Is "Soiling the Nest"?

The term "soiling the nest" comes from observing young birds who, as they prepare to leave their nest, begin to make it less comfortable and appealing. Interestingly, this phrase appears to have evolved organically from parental observations and folk wisdom rather than being formally introduced by a specific researcher or psychologist. The concept has been passed down through families—as one parent noted, "My mom has always said it's really natural for teenagers to pull away from their family, to do annoying things that create more space between child and parent. She calls it 'soiling the nest.'" While mental health professionals like psychologist Lisa Damour now widely reference and validate this phenomenon, the term itself emerged from the authentic experiences of families who recognized this pattern long before it gained formal psychological recognition.

Similarly, teenagers—most commonly between ages 15-18—often unconsciously create conflict and tension at home as they approach the developmental milestone of independence and prepare for their eventual transition to adulthood. While some children may show early signs around 14, and others may not exhibit this behavior until their senior year of high school, the peak typically occurs during ages 16-17 when college planning and future independence become more concrete realities.

This behavior can manifest in various ways: increased arguments, breaking family rules, showing disrespect, withdrawing emotionally, or engaging in risky behaviors that create stress for the entire family.

The Developmental Psychology Behind the Behavior

From a developmental standpoint, late adolescence (ages 15-18) is fundamentally about individuating from parents and establishing a separate identity. This process, which psychologists call individuation, requires teenagers to psychologically separate from their primary caregivers. The timing isn't coincidental—this behavior typically intensifies as teens face real decisions about their future: Where will they go to college? What career path interests them? How will they support themselves? For many teens, creating emotional distance through conflict feels safer than the vulnerability of gradual, healthy separation during this high-stakes period.

The teenage brain is also still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and considering long-term consequences, which doesn't fully mature until around age 25. This neurological reality means that 15-18 year olds often act on emotion rather than logic, making decisions that seem irrational to adults but feel completely justified to them in the moment. The pressure of impending adulthood can amplify this emotional reactivity.

Additionally, older teenagers are navigating intense social pressures, academic stress related to graduation and future planning, and the anxiety that comes with approaching major life transitions. Home becomes the "safe" place to express these overwhelming emotions, ironically making it feel unsafe for everyone else in the family. The final years of high school bring unique stressors—SATs, college applications, scholarship deadlines, and major life decisions—that can intensify this behavior.

Recognizing the Signs

"Soiling the nest" behavior can look different for each teenager, but common patterns include:

• Sudden changes in attitude toward family activities or traditions

• Increased criticism of parents' values, rules, or lifestyle choices

• Deliberate violation of household rules or curfews

• Emotional volatility that seems disproportionate to the situation

• Withdrawal from family relationships while maintaining outside friendships

• Academic performance changes that create family stress

• Engaging in behaviors they know will worry or anger parents

It's important to distinguish between typical adolescent testing of boundaries and more concerning behaviors that might indicate underlying mental health issues, substance abuse, or trauma responses.

The Impact on Families

For parents, watching their child "soil the nest" can be emotionally devastating. Many parents report feeling like they're living with a stranger, grieving the loss of their close relationship with their child, and questioning their parenting abilities. Siblings may also be affected, feeling confused by the change in family dynamics or bearing the brunt of their teenager's displaced anger.

The stress of constant conflict can strain marriages and partnerships, as parents may disagree on how to respond to their teenager's behavior. Some parents become overly permissive, hoping to restore peace, while others become increasingly rigid, believing stricter boundaries will solve the problem.

Strategies for Parents

Understanding that "soiling the nest" is often a normal part of development doesn't make it easier to live with, but it can help parents respond more effectively:

Maintain consistent boundaries while showing empathy. Teenagers still need structure and limits, even when they're pushing against them. Consistency helps them feel secure, even when they're creating chaos.

Don't take it personally. This behavior is about your teenager's developmental needs, not about your worth as a parent. Try to separate your child's behavior from your relationship with them.

Pick your battles wisely. Not every conflict needs to become a power struggle. Focus on non-negotiable safety issues and let some smaller things go.

Stay connected despite the pushback. Continue offering opportunities for connection, even when they're rejected. A simple "I love you" or "I'm here when you're ready to talk" can maintain the relationship thread.

Seek support when needed. Family therapy can provide tools for navigating this challenging period and help families maintain connection while honoring the teenager's need for independence.

When to Seek Professional Help

While some "soiling the nest" behavior is normal, certain signs warrant professional intervention:

• Behaviors that threaten safety (substance abuse, self-harm, dangerous driving)

• Significant academic decline that threatens future opportunities

• Complete withdrawal from all family relationships

• Behaviors that violate legal boundaries

• Signs of depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns

Mental health professionals who specialize in adolescent and family therapy can help distinguish between normal developmental challenges and more serious concerns requiring intensive treatment.

Looking Forward

Remember that "soiling the nest" is typically a temporary phase that most commonly occurs between ages 15-18, with peak intensity often during junior and senior year of high school. Most teenagers who engage in this behavior eventually return to healthier relationships with their families, especially when parents can maintain love and boundaries simultaneously. The goal isn't to prevent this developmental process but to guide families through it while preserving relationships and ensuring everyone's safety and well-being.

The teenage years test every family's resilience, but with understanding, patience, and sometimes professional support, families can emerge from this challenging period with stronger, more mature relationships built on mutual respect and genuine connection.

Back-to-School Transitions: What Children Ages 5–8 Experience and How Parents Can Support Them

The start of a new school year brings anticipation, change, and sometimes stress for children and families alike. For kids ages 5–8, returning to school represents a significant developmental shift. They are entering classrooms where expectations increase, friendships become more complex, and self-regulation is still developing.

Parents often notice that their child seems moody, tired, or clingy in the first few weeks of school. These behaviors are common and reflect the natural adjustment process.

Emotional Adjustments

Children in early elementary years’ experience a wide range of emotions as they settle into new routines and environments.

• Common feelings: worry, excitement, sadness, pride, irritability.

• What may be observed: morning tears at drop-off, bedtime struggles, or bursts of pride when sharing something learned.

Parent tip: Offer feelings-based words and normalize their feelings. Visuals such as an emotions colorwheel can be helpful.

Social Shifts

Friendships take on greater importance in this stage, and navigating peer dynamics can feel overwhelming at first for young children.

• Common feelings: joy, nervousness, jealousy, rejection, loneliness.

• What may be observed: worries about being left out or a sense of pride after successfully joining a group activity.

Parent tip: Role-play simple scripts such as, “Can I play too?” or “That hurt my feelings.” Practicing these interactions builds confidence for real-life situations.

Cognitive and Attention Demands

School requires children to sustain attention, follow directions, and shift between subjects throughout the day. These skills are still developing in early elementary years and can leave their brains feeling a little tired.

• Common feelings: frustration, overwhelm, accomplishment, boredom, fatigue.

• What may be observed: after-school meltdowns, comments like “It’s too hard,” or sudden pride when finishing a challenge.

Parent tip: Allow decompression time after school before asking about the day or starting homework. Play, rest, or a snack often helps restore balance.

Physical and Routine Changes

Shifting from summer’s flexibility to the structured school schedule is physically demanding.

• Common feelings: tiredness, restlessness, irritability, calm (as routines settle).

• What may be observed: yawns at breakfast, end-of-day tears “for no reason,” or bedtime resistance.

Parent tip: Aim for 9–11 hours of sleep, maintain consistent morning and evening routines, and provide healthy meals and snacks to stabilize energy.

Supporting the Adjustment

Most children need 4–6 weeks to fully adjust to the school year. During this period, they benefit from:

• Consistency: predictable routines reduce stress.

• Connection: intentional quality time, whether during dinner, walks, or bedtime.

• Coping tools: breathing techniques, drawing, or comfort objects in a backpack.

• Calm modeling: when adults handle transitions steadily, children learn to do the same.

It’s common for children to be a little moody, clingy, or extra tired during the first month of school. This doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong—it’s often just part of settling into new routines and expectations. With time, consistency, and support, most kids find their rhythm. If your child continues to have a hard time adjusting, our therapists are here to provide guidance and additional support.

How Movement Impacts Mental Health

By sabrina joy C-IAYT

Mental health is a vital part of our overall well being, yet many of us face a wide range of mental and emotional challenges. While therapeutic and social support play essential roles in managing these struggles, one powerful and often underestimated ally is movement. Whether it’s a walk through the neighborhood, a calming yoga flow, or an intense workout, physical activity can be transformative for mental health.

Stress Reduction

Life can be hectic, and stress is an inevitable part of it. However, engaging in physical activity can significantly reduce stress levels. Exercise prompts the release of endorphins, neurotransmitters that act as natural mood lifters, helping to alleviate stress and promote a sense of well-being. Additionally, movement serves as a distraction, allowing individuals to temporarily shift their focus away from sources of stress and anxiety. For many, there is no better way to complete the stress response cycle than to move, as that is what our bodies are best prepared to do in stressful situations. When we learn how to move skillfully and to breathe functionally while moving, as once can learn in yoga therapy sessions, movement becomes an even more potent tool for stress management.

Mood Enhancement

Have you ever noticed feeling happier and more energized after a workout? That's not just a coincidence. Exercise stimulates the production of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, chemicals in the brain that play a crucial role in regulating mood. Regular physical activity can help combat feelings of depression and anxiety, leaving individuals feeling more positive and resilient in the face of life's challenges. When you find a movement pattern you truly love, it can be empowering to spend time engaging in an activity that brings you joy!

Improved Sleep

Good quality sleep is essential for mental health, yet many struggle to achieve truly restful sleep. Fortunately, engaging in regular exercise can promote better sleep patterns. I know for me, as soon as I started exercising regularly in my mid teens, I went from suffering from insomnia to falling fast asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Physical activity helps regulate the body's internal clock, promoting deeper and more restorative sleep. Additionally, the relaxation and stress-reducing effects of exercise can help quiet the mind, making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night.

Enhanced Cognitive Function

Movement isn't just beneficial for the body; it also boosts brainpower. Exercise has been shown to improve cognitive function, including memory, attention, and decision-making skills. Whenever I have a day where it feels like my ADHD brain is just out of control, I know a movement session will help to focus and ground me. Physical activity increases blood flow to the brain, delivering oxygen and nutrients that are vital for optimal brain function. Moreover, regular exercise promotes the growth of new brain cells and strengthens neural connections, enhancing overall cognitive performance.

Social Connection

Human beings are social creatures, and social isolation can have detrimental effects on mental health. Exercise provides an opportunity for social interaction, whether it's joining a group fitness class, going for a hike with friends, or playing a team sport. Building connections with others through physical activity can help you foster a sense of belonging and support, reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation. If you ever feel lonely, go for a walk on a busy trail and offer someone you pass a smile. You'll be amazed by the simple and lovely social support awaiting you as you move.

Confidence and Self-esteem

Regular exercise can boost confidence and self-esteem in several ways. As individuals set and achieve fitness goals, they gain a sense of accomplishment and empowerment. Movement also helps us to reframe our relationships with our bodies; to see our bodies in a neutral and experiential sense. Learning to set process goals in movement is a concrete skill that can cultivate a sense of agency and empowerment. Additionally, the physical benefits of exercise, such as improved strength, flexibility, and endurance, can enhance self-image and perceived self-worth. Feeling confident in one's physical abilities can translate to increased confidence in many other areas of life.

The benefits of movement for mental health are undeniable. Incorporating regular physical activity into one's routine can lead to reduced stress, improved mood, better sleep, enhanced cognitive function, increased social connection, and greater confidence. Whether it's a leisurely stroll or an intense workout, every step counts towards nurturing a healthy mind and body. So, lace up those sneakers or roll out your mat, grab a friend, and start reaping the rewards of movement for mental health. Your mind will thank you for it!

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

By katie jacques M.ED, LMHC

Divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved. While the end of a marriage brings emotional and logistical challenges for adults, it can be an even more confusing and stressful time for children. As parents, you play a powerful role in helping your kids navigate this major life change in a healthy, supportive way. Understanding your child’s experience during a divorce, knowing how to communicate effectively with them, and supporting their emotional well-being during the transition are key elements in helping your child successfully navigate the transition.

What Children Feel During Divorce

Children of all ages experience a range of emotions when their parents separate. These feelings can include sadness or grief about the family changing, confusion over what’s happening and why, and potential guilt over believing that they caused the divorce. Anger or resentment towards one or both parents, fear of abandonment or losing a parent, and stress from disrupted routines are also common feelings for kids. While these emotions are normal, how children cope depends largely on how parents handle the divorce process.

Age-Appropriate Conversations

Talking to your children about divorce is essential, but it’s important to tailor the message to their age and emotional maturity.

Toddlers and Preschoolers: For toddlers and preschoolers, it’s best to focus on routines and reassurance. At this age children are too young to grasp the concept of divorce, but they do notice changes in their daily life. Let your child know that even though mom and dad won’t live in the same house anymore, you both still love and care about them.

School-aged Children: School-age children are more likely to ask direct, practical questions, and it’s important to be honest in your response and to provide a simple answer that they can understand. Concrete information such as where they will be living and when they will be with each parent will help them to feel a sense of certainty and understanding.

Teenagers: Tweens, teens, and older kids often want more information. For this age group it’s best to give clear, honest answers without oversharing adult details. For example, parents can let their teen know that they’ve had ongoing problems and have decided that living separately is the healthiest choice. It’s important to remind your teen that the divorce is not their fault and is not the result of anything that they did.

Regardless of their age, all children need reassurance. Remain open to conversations about the divorce, provide space for them to express their thoughts and feelings, and reinforce that they are still loved.

Co-Parenting Without Conflict

Parents often find it to be extremely difficult to put their own emotions aside during a divorce. However, research consistently shows that parental conflict - not divorce itself - is the biggest risk factor for children’s emotional difficulties. Fortunately, there are several things that parents can do to reduce the impact of divorce on their children.

1. Don’t argue in front of your children. Research has shown that arguing in front of your children can cause emotional trauma that is hard to repair. Keep adult conversations between the adults and away from the kids.

2. Never use your child as a messenger or spy. It is not your child’s responsibility to pass information from one parent to the other. If you are unable to communicate with the other parent directly, consider using text or email to share information.

3. Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of your child. Doing so creates divided loyalties and is detrimental to the child’s relationship with the other parent. Remember that both parents are part of the child. When you criticize the other parent, you are indirectly criticizing the child.

4. Stick to a consistent schedule for visitation and parenting time. Consistency helps kids to feel a sense of stability and predictability.

It’s important to keep in mind that regardless of how you feel about the other parent, children benefit when both parents remain involved in their lives in a peaceful, cooperative way.

Helping Kids Cope

Although divorce is challenging for everyone, there are several ways that parents can support their children through the transition. First, provide emotional support frequently and consistently. Allow your child to express their sadness, anger, or confusion about the divorce without judgment, and offer comfort and affection often. Second, maintain structure and routine as much as possible. Stick to regular mealtimes, bedtimes, and school routines. Remember that predictability and consistency help children feel safe and secure. Third, reinforce stability by avoiding sudden moves, school changes, or major life disruptions. Keep school staff informed of the child’s home situation so they can monitor behavior and academic performance and can provide extra support of needed.

When to Seek Therapy

Sometimes children need additional support to process what they’re going through. If your child shows prolonged sadness or withdrawal, acts out aggressively or is frequently angry, has significant sleep or appetite changes, is struggling in school or socially, or expresses intense guilt or fear, it may be time to seek therapy. For young children, play therapy provides a safe place for children to work through their feelings and develop age-appropriate coping mechanisms. For older kids, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help children to understand the connection between their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and can provide tools for how to manage intense emotions. Family therapy can also be helpful in improving communication between children and their parents and creating a space for healing. Parent recommendations are often provided as part of therapy to assist adults in guiding their child through the divorce process.

Final Thoughts: Divorce Changes the Family, Not the Love

Divorce may reshape your family structure, but it doesn’t have to shatter your child’s sense of love, safety, or belonging. With open communication, consistency, and emotional support, children can and do adjust to life after divorce. The most important message your child needs to hear is simple: “I love you and we’re going to get through this together.”

How Therapy Helps Children Heal from Traumatic Experiences

By Shauna Fithian, MSW, LICSW

When a child goes through something traumatic—a medical emergency, accident, natural disaster, abuse, violence, loss, separation or another frightening experience—it can shake their sense of safety in the world.

As a parent, it’s natural to want to make everything better. But trauma doesn’t heal with a hug, a Band-Aid, or time alone. And that’s where therapy can make a difference.

What Trauma Can Look Like in Children

Not all trauma looks like crying or talking about the event. In fact, many kids struggle in silence or show changes in unexpected ways:

• Regression (bedwetting, clinginess, tantrums)

• Reenacting the trauma through play

• Nightmares or sleep disruptions

• Mood swings or emotional outbursts

• Withdrawal or shutting down

• Self blame

• Physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches

• Hypervigilance or intense fear of reminders

  These are the brain and body’s way of trying to process something overwhelming. Therapy can gently help children understand what happened, regain a sense of safety, and learn new ways to cope.

At Thrive Kirkland, our therapists are trained to work with children and we use developmentally appropriate, trauma-informed approaches like:

• Play therapy: for younger children to express feelings they may not have words for, which might include art, games, books, sandtray, puppets, music

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): to address anxious or unhelpful thoughts

• Trauma-focused CBT (TF-CBT): an evidence-based approach to help children develop coping skills, process and share trauma, and build resilience

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing): to help children process trauma using bilateral stimulation (eye movement, taps, sounds), which allows the brain to reprocess the memories more effectively and in a less overwhelming way

• Parent-child sessions: to strengthen attachment and communication after trauma
  
  Therapy isn’t about making a child talk about the event before they’re ready. It’s about creating a safe space where healing can unfold at their pace.

Your Role as the Parent

Parents/Caregivers are children's most important support. Therapy is most effective when parents:

• Validate feelings without pushing for details

• Create consistent routines and safe boundaries

• Are open to participating in sessions when invited

• Get support for their own emotional process (yes, your healing matters too)
  

  Therapy is not a sign you’ve failed—it’s a sign you’re showing up with love, courage, and care.

Healing Takes Time, But It’s Possible

There is no single timeline for healing from trauma. Some children are able to open up quickly; others need more time to trust again. That’s okay.

What matters most is that they have a safe space to:

• Be seen and heard

• Learn skills to manage big emotions

• Rebuild a sense of safety and confidence
  
  Therapy provides that space—and we’re honored to walk alongside families through this delicate journey.

We're Here When You're Ready

If your child has experienced something traumatic and you’re unsure what to do next, you’re not alone. We offer a warm, supportive approach to trauma therapy for children, teens, and their families.

Reach out to us today to schedule a consultation or simply ask questions—we’re here to help, no pressure, no judgment.

Healing is possible. Let’s take the first step together.

Impacts of Mindfulness Practices on Stress

By Sabrina Joy C-IAYT

In an increasingly fast-paced and demanding world, stress has become a near-constant presence in daily life. Yet not everyone responds to stress in the same way. Some individuals are able to remain grounded and clear-headed even in the face of adversity; an ability known as stress resilience. At the heart of building this resilience lies mindfulness practice, a well-researched method for enhancing emotional balance and physiological regulation. Yoga therapy offers a unique and powerful avenue for cultivating mindfulness. By integrating body-based awareness, breath regulation, and meditative techniques, yoga therapy fosters a deep connection between mind and body, making it an especially effective approach for strengthening key markers of stress resilience. Through its emphasis on breath, movement, and conscious awareness, yoga therapy helps individuals build the internal resources needed to regulate their nervous system, manage emotions, and increase self-efficacy. 

What is mindfulness practice 

Mindfulness practice is the intentional act of bringing your full attention to the present moment, without judgment. It involves observing your thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, and surroundings with openness and curiosity. Rather than reacting automatically to experiences, mindfulness encourages a calm awareness of what is happening right now. This can be cultivated through meditation, breathing exercises, or simply paying gentle attention to daily activities like eating, walking, or listening. 

At its core, mindfulness is about learning to respond rather than react. It helps create space between stimulus and response, allowing for greater emotional regulation and clarity. By consistently practicing mindfulness, individuals can develop a stronger sense of inner calm, reduce stress, and increase resilience. Over time, it becomes easier to recognize unhelpful thought patterns and choose more supportive ways of thinking and behaving. 

Mindfulness practice is accessible to everyone. You don’t need special equipment or hours of free time; even a few minutes a day can make a meaningful difference. Whether practiced through formal meditation or informal daily awareness, mindfulness offers a pathway to greater mental clarity, emotional balance, and overall well being. 

What are markers of stress resilience 

Stress resilience is the ability to effectively adapt and recover in the face of adversity, pressure, or prolonged challenges. Rather than avoiding stress altogether, resilient individuals are able to engage with stressors without becoming overwhelmed, maintaining emotional balance, cognitive clarity, and physical health. Research has identified several key indicators that support

and reflect this capacity, including heart rate variability, emotional regulation, functional breathing patterns, adaptive nervous system functioning, and self-efficacy. Together, these markers highlight the interconnected roles of the body and mind in fostering resilience to stress. 

Heart Rate Variability (HRV) 

Heart rate variability refers to the variation in time between heartbeats and is a key indicator of autonomic nervous system balance. Higher HRV reflects greater parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) activity and is associated with a flexible, adaptive response to stress. Individuals with high HRV tend to recover more quickly from stress and demonstrate better emotional regulation, making HRV a strong physiological marker of stress resilience. 

Emotional Regulation 

Emotional regulation is the ability to monitor, evaluate, and modify emotional responses in adaptive ways. People who can regulate their emotions are better equipped to manage stressors without becoming overwhelmed. Effective emotional regulation reduces physiological arousal and supports long-term resilience by preventing chronic stress accumulation. 

Functional Breathing Patterns 

Functional breathing patterns, characterized by nasal, diaphragmatic, and slow breathing, support physiological calm and help maintain balance in the nervous system. Dysfunctional breathing (e.g., shallow, rapid, or chest-dominant breathing) can activate the stress response unnecessarily. In contrast, functional breathing supports stress resilience by enhancing oxygen efficiency, promoting relaxation, and increasing heart rate variability. 

Adaptive Nervous System Functioning 

Adaptive nervous system functioning refers to the ability of the autonomic nervous system to shift appropriately between sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) states. A well-regulated nervous system enables quick activation during stress and efficient recovery afterward. This flexibility is central to stress resilience, allowing individuals to respond to challenges without becoming stuck in chronic states of hyperarousal or shutdown. 

Self-Efficacy 

Self-efficacy is the belief in one’s capacity to effectively manage challenges. High self-efficacy increases motivation, persistence, and the use of adaptive coping strategies in the face of stress. It fosters a proactive rather than reactive mindset and allows for a sense of agency to flourish. 

Mindfulness practices and stress resilience 

Mindfulness practices have been shown to positively influence multiple dimensions of stress resilience by supporting both physiological regulation and psychological flexibility. Here’s how mindfulness impacts each of the aforementioned markers of stress resilience:

Heart Rate Variability (HRV) 

Mindfulness practices (particularly those involving breath awareness and body scanning taught in yoga therapy or nervous system regulation sessions here at Thrive) can increase heart rate variability by activating the parasympathetic nervous system. This increased HRV reflects a more balanced autonomic nervous system and greater capacity to respond adaptively to stress, both hallmarks of resilience. 

Emotional Regulation 

Regular mindfulness practice strengthens emotional regulation by increasing awareness of thoughts and feelings without automatic reactivity. Through nonjudgmental attention to internal experiences, individuals develop the capacity to pause, reflect, and choose more adaptive responses. This reduces emotional volatility and helps buffer against the negative effects of stress. 

Functional Breathing Patterns 

Mindfulness, especially when combined with breath-focused meditation such as those taught by yoga therapists, encourages slower, deeper, and more diaphragmatic breathing. Over time, this retrains the body toward more functional breathing patterns, which helps reduce anxiety, lower stress hormones, and prevent hyperventilation-related symptoms. 

Adaptive Nervous System Functioning 

Mindfulness enhances adaptive nervous system functioning by facilitating a healthy balance between sympathetic arousal and parasympathetic recovery. Mindfulness also improves interoceptive awareness (the ability to sense internal bodily states) which supports nervous system flexibility and helps individuals detect and respond to stress signals more effectively. 

Self-Efficacy 

Mindfulness supports self-efficacy by fostering greater self-awareness and self-trust. As individuals become more attuned to their mental and emotional patterns, they gain confidence in their ability to respond skillfully to challenges. This sense of agency enhances motivation and strengthens belief in one’s capacity to cope, adapt, and grow from stress. 

Stress resilience is not simply the absence of stress, but the presence of internal strategies that allow us to adapt and recover with strength and flexibility. Mindfulness practices play a vital role in cultivating this resilience, and when delivered through the holistic framework of yoga therapy, their impact can be especially profound. Yoga therapy offers practical tools such as breath training, mindful movement, and meditative reflection that enhance heart rate variability, emotional regulation, and nervous system adaptability. Yoga therapy also empowers individuals with greater self-awareness and belief in their own capacity to navigate stress. In this way, yoga therapy becomes more than a wellness routine; it is a comprehensive and therapeutic pathway for cultivating long-term stress resilience using mindfulness based interventions.

If you would like to increase your resiliency to stress and live into a more balanced rhythm of life, book a session with Sabrina Joy, our Nervous System Regulation Practitioner today.

The benefits of mental health coaching.

By Matthew hesselgrave, coach: ADHD and Bipolar specialist

I wanted to share some thoughts on the benefits of mental health coaching. In today's fast-paced world, it's easy for our mental well-being to be overlooked. While therapy plays a vital role in addressing clinical mental health issues, mental health coaching offers a proactive approach for individuals seeking greater clarity, balance, and resilience in their daily lives.

You might be wondering, what exactly is mental health coaching and why is it becoming so popular? It essentially bridges the gap between traditional therapy and life coaching. Unlike therapy, which often delves into past experiences, coaching typically focuses on the future. It's about helping people define their goals, overcome mental obstacles, and develop strategies for emotional and psychological wellness.

Mental health coaches collaborate with clients to enhance self-awareness, strengthen coping mechanisms, and cultivate a more positive outlook. The aim is not just to improve how you feel, but to help you truly flourish. Here are some key benefits:

Clarity and Goal-Setting:

Coaches assist you in identifying your true desires, whether it's increased confidence, reduced stress, improved relationships, or better work-life balance. Through attentive listening and insightful questions, they guide you in discovering your core values, strengths, and aspirations. Setting clear, achievable goals often brings a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

Accountability and Motivation:

A significant advantage of coaching is the built-in accountability. While setting intentions is easy, following through can be challenging. A mental health coach provides consistent support, encouragement, and gentle guidance to keep you aligned with your objectives, helping to maintain motivation and momentum.

Improved Self-Awareness: 

Coaching encourages deep self-reflection. Through thoughtful discussions, clients begin to recognize unhelpful thought patterns, emotional triggers, and limiting beliefs. This increased self-awareness is fundamental for lasting personal growth. By understanding themselves better, clients can make more informed decisions and respond to challenges with greater emotional intelligence.

Stress Management and Resilience: 

Mental health coaching equips individuals with practical tools for managing stress more effectively. From mindfulness and breathing exercises to reframing negative thoughts, coaches teach techniques that enhance emotional regulation and overall resilience. Over time, these practices can become integral to daily routines, leading to reduced anxiety and improved mental stamina.

Confidence and Empowerment:

As clients experience progress and overcome hurdles, their confidence naturally grows. Coaches acknowledge and celebrate both significant and minor achievements, helping clients recognize their own development. This sense of empowerment often positively influences other aspects of life, such as work, relationships, health, and creativity.

Non-Clinical, Accessible Support: 

For those who may not require clinical therapy but still desire mental and emotional support, coaching offers a less formal and often more accessible alternative. It can be particularly beneficial for individuals navigating transitions like career changes, relationship shifts, or personal growth journeys.

Who can truly benefit from mental health coaching? It's ideal for anyone who:

*   Feels stuck or uncertain about their future.
*   Wants to enhance their emotional well-being.
*   Struggles with stress, self-doubt, or low motivation.
*   Seeks a structured approach to personal development.
*   Is looking for support but not necessarily clinical therapy.

While mental health coaching is not a substitute for therapy, it serves as a valuable complement or a standalone resource for those committed to cultivating mental wellness in a structured and goal-oriented manner. By focusing on growth, self-awareness, and actionable steps, mental health coaching empowers individuals to take charge of their lives and thrive with greater confidence and clarity.

If you're navigating a life change, unwelcome anxiety, a persistent state of sadness or simply want to enhance your emotional well-being, mental health coaching could be the supportive partnership you've been seeking.

Ready to explore the possibilities? Consider connecting with Coach Matthew a creative and knowledgeable, mental health coach to embark on your journey towards a stronger and more centered self.

I am now booking appointments for individuals and couples who want to engage in a mental health recovery journey through coaching. I also specialize in ADHD and bipolar disorder.

Would ADHD and/or Bipolar Coaching Help Me?

By Matthew Hesselgrave, ADHD and Bipolar Coach

Living with ADHD or Bipolar Disorder comes with unique challenges—but also unique strengths. With the right support, individuals can learn to manage their symptoms, build on their natural talents, and live fulfilling, purpose-driven lives. One powerful tool in this process is specialized coaching. ADHD and Bipolar coaching is a collaborative, goal-oriented partnership that helps individuals build structure, regulate emotions, and tap into their strengths. While therapy often focuses on healing past trauma and managing mental health symptoms, coaching looks forward—helping clients make tangible progress in their everyday lives.

To utlize the benefits of coaching you do not have to have both ADHD and Bipolar. You may have one or both. Coaching is immensely beneficial to providing a helpful roadmap to help you get where you would like to be in your life.

Structure and Accountability

Both ADHD and Bipolar disorder can affect a person’s ability to manage time, stay organized, and follow through on plans. ADHD may lead to chronic procrastination, missed deadlines, or impulsive decision-making. Bipolar disorder can cause energy fluctuations, making it hard to maintain consistency, especially during depressive or manic episodes.

A coach that understands the specific presentations of how both ADHD and Bipolar presents is an invaluable tool. Coaching provides consistent check-ins, helping clients set realistic goals and helps break those goals into manageable steps. This structure fosters momentum and gives the client someone to stay accountable to—not out of pressure, but encouragement. Many clients find that this regular rhythm helps them build routines that previously felt out of reach. This has a cumulative effect of reaching more and more goals in their life.

Strength-Based Approach

One of the most empowering aspects of ADHD and Bipolar coaching is the focus on strengths. Where therapy might concentrate on symptoms and dysfunction, coaching often asks: What’s already working? What are your natural gifts? People with ADHD often excel in creative thinking, problem-solving, and high-energy work when they’re engaged. Those with bipolar disorder may have deep emotional insight, periods of intense productivity, and unique perspectives.

Coaching helps individuals identify these strengths and learn to apply them intentionally, rather than by accident. Instead of seeing themselves as broken or flawed, clients begin to recognize their unique wiring as a source of potential.

Emotional Regulation and Resilience

While coaches don’t offer therapy, they do support emotional regulation—especially around goals and everyday challenges. For people with ADHD, emotions like frustration, overwhelm, and shame can quickly derail progress. People with Bipolar Disorder may struggle with mood swings that make self-management difficult.

Coaches use tools such as mindfulness, re-framing, and behavior tracking to help clients notice patterns in their emotional responses. Over time, clients develop the self-awareness and coping strategies needed to stay on track—even when life gets tough.

Improved Self-Esteem and Confidence

Many individuals with ADHD and bipolar disorder have faced years of negative feedback, internalized stigma, or feelings of failure. This often results in low self-esteem and a tendency to self-sabotage. A good coach helps challenge these beliefs by celebrating small wins and reinforcing progress.

Through this supportive relationship, clients begin to rebuild their self-trust. As they gain confidence in their ability to follow through on commitments and manage their symptoms, they feel more empowered to pursue their goals—whether that’s advancing a career, improving relationships, or achieving personal growth.

Custom Tools for Real-Life Challenges

Coaching is practical. It’s not just about insight—it’s about action. A coach helps clients develop personalized systems to manage their daily life, from scheduling and planning to sleep habits and communication skills. For someone with ADHD, that might mean experimenting with visual reminders or time-blocking. For someone with Bipolar Disorder, it could involve creating a wellness plan that includes early warning signs and strategies for preventing relapse. These tools are tailored to the individual, not one-size-fits-all. That makes them far more effective than generic advice, and easier to stick with over time.

In a world that often misunderstands or underestimates neurodivergent individuals, ADHD and Bipolar coaching offers something rare: a partnership rooted in possibility, strength, and forward momentum. With the right support, people living with these conditions can move beyond just coping—and begin to thrive.

If you would like to meet with someone to help develop a personalized roadmap for you. We are available to help.

Becoming Reoriented in Every Stage of Life

By isabelle gahard ma, lmfta

When You Feel Lost

In therapy we see people who often have a hard time naming that they feel lost. Being lost is uncomfortable, confusing, and may feel scary. This feeling impacts people in their early twenties all the way through to their seventies. Despite different circumstances and life stages, the experience of disorientation, of not knowing what comes next or who you are anymore, is remarkably universal.

The truth is, we all go through seasons where our identity, purpose, or direction feels uncertain. And often, those seasons are bookended by transition beginnings, endings, and all the messy in-betweens. Let’s talk about what this can look like at some of the most common turning points in life.

Graduating College: The Pressure to “Figure It All Out”

Graduation is supposed to be a celebration. And it often is. But underneath the caps, gowns, final papers, family drama, and filtered photos it can be a quiet panic:

• “What now?”

• “Did I choose the right path?”

• “Everyone else seems to have a plan and I don’t”

• “Shouldn’t I have a big corporate job lined up?”

This stage is full of contradictions: freedom and fear, excitement and grief. The structure that is reading, homework, tests, papers, and projects that guided you for the past 18 years suddenly disappears. For many, their identity was tied to being a student, and now you're asked to build a life without a clear syllabus.

If you feel lost here, it doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re human. You’re in the space between what was and what will be. Give yourself time to breathe and explore the new unknown. 

Quarter-Life and Early Adulthood: Endless Options, No Map

In your twenties and early thirties, it can feel like everyone is on a different timeline. Some are getting married, others are changing careers, and some seem to be traveling the world while you’re just trying to pay rent.

The sense of being lost often stems from comparison and a culture that equates speed with success. People often say that “comparison is the thief of joy” which is true but in this day and age social media has made it hard to avoid seeing other peoples’ highlight reels and wishing yours was the same.  

At this stage therapists focus on value alignment over external achievement. Asking the big questions like: 

• Who are you, really? 

• What do you care about when no one is watching? 

• And are you content with yourself when you go to sleep at night?

Feeling solid about who we are as humans can give us the direction we need to move forward. We feel more secure in a path when we know it is one we want for ourselves and not because someone else is on it too. 

Empty Nesting: Who Am I Now?

Parents often spend years pouring their energy into raising children. Then, one day, the house is quieter, the calendar emptier, and you start thinking about adopting a pet to fill the void. Empty nesting can bring up grief over a chapter ending, joy and guilt mixed together, and/or sense of invisibility or purposelessness. 

Many parents may admit they don’t know what they enjoy anymore or who they are outside their caregiving role. They may struggle within their relationships and not know how to spend 1:1 time with their partners. This moment, while tender, is also a profound opportunity for reconnection to self. 

Ask yourself: 

• What parts of you have been waiting in the wings? 

• What dreams did you shelve that you can now revisit?

• What do you want this next chapter to look like?

Retirement: Losing a Role, Finding a Self

Retirement can be both a relief and a reckoning. Similar to graduating college, after years of structure, routine, and identity tied to work, stepping away can feel like losing part of yourself.

You might think:

• “I thought I’d be happier.”

• “I don’t know what to do with my time.”

• “Who am I without my job?”

This transition challenges our productivity-driven worth. It invites us to redefine purpose not as something we earn, but something we live into. It’s also a time where people reconnect with creativity, service, community, or long-neglected passions.

The discomfort of not knowing what comes next is real. But it also means you're standing at the edge of something new.

Re-direction 

Every life stage holds its own version of being lost. But feeling lost isn’t a problem to fix it’s a signal. A call to pause, reflect, and realign. It’s where transformation begins. In therapy, I often say: It’s okay not to have the answers right now. You’re allowed to be in the in-between. You’re allowed to be uncertain. That space isn’t empty, its full of possibility. So if you’re feeling lost, take heart. You’re not alone. You're not off track. You might just be on the edge of becoming more you than ever before.

Summer Triggers: Why Trauma Symptoms Can Worsen in 'Happy' Seasons

Summer is supposed to be the season of joy, relaxation, and carefree moments. Social media fills with beach photos, family barbecues, and vacation adventures. Everyone seems happier, more energetic, and ready to embrace life. But for trauma survivors, this cultural expectation of summer happiness can create an additional layer of distress that many don't understand—and few talk about openly.

If you find yourself struggling more during summer months despite the longer days and warmer weather, you're not alone. There are real, understandable reasons why trauma symptoms can actually intensify during what society labels as the "happiest" time of year.

The Pressure to Perform Happiness

Summer brings enormous social pressure to be joyful, active, and grateful for the beautiful weather. When you're managing trauma symptoms like hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or depression, this external expectation can feel overwhelming and invalidating. The constant message that you "should" be happy because it's sunny outside can make you feel broken or defective when your internal experience doesn't match.

This pressure creates a secondary trauma response—not only are you dealing with your original trauma symptoms, but now you're also battling shame and self-criticism for not being able to access the joy that seems to come so easily to everyone else. The effort required to mask your true feelings or force participation in summer activities can be emotionally exhausting.

Increased Social Exposure and Overwhelm

Summer naturally involves more social gatherings, family reunions, and community events. For trauma survivors, especially those dealing with complex PTSD or childhood trauma, these social situations can trigger fight-or-flight responses. Large groups, unpredictable social dynamics, and the pressure to be "on" for extended periods can overwhelm an already sensitive nervous system.

Family gatherings can be particularly challenging, as they may involve seeing people connected to your trauma or returning to environments where traumatic events occurred. Even when current family members are supportive, being around relatives can trigger body memories, flashbacks, or intense emotional responses that feel confusing and uncontrollable.

Disrupted Routines and Safety Structures

Many trauma survivors rely heavily on consistent routines and predictable environments to maintain emotional stability. Summer's casual approach to schedules—irregular sleep patterns due to longer daylight, vacation disruptions, children being home from school—can destabilize carefully constructed coping mechanisms.

When your usual therapist takes vacation, your gym changes hours, or your daily structure shifts dramatically, the loss of these anchoring activities can leave you feeling unmoored and vulnerable. What feels like freedom to others can feel like chaos to someone whose nervous system requires predictability to feel safe.

Sensory Overwhelm and Body Triggers

Summer brings intense sensory experiences that can trigger trauma responses: bright sunlight, loud outdoor gatherings, the feeling of sun on skin, or specific scents like sunscreen or barbecue smoke. For those with trauma histories, these sensory inputs can unconsciously connect to traumatic memories, creating anxiety or panic responses that seem to come out of nowhere.

Additionally, summer's emphasis on body exposure—swimwear, shorts, tank tops—can be particularly challenging for survivors of physical or sexual trauma. The cultural celebration of "beach bodies" and increased focus on physical appearance can trigger body shame, dissociation, or memories of times when your body didn't feel safe or belonged to you.

Childhood Trauma and Summer Associations

If your trauma occurred during childhood summers—whether through abuse, neglect, family dysfunction, or other adverse experiences—the season itself can become a trigger. The sights, sounds, and social dynamics of summer can unconsciously transport you back to times when you were vulnerable and unprotected.

Even positive childhood summer memories can be triggering if they're contrasted with current struggles, creating grief for innocence lost or highlighting the gap between who you were and who trauma shaped you to become.

The Isolation of Invisible Struggle

Perhaps most challenging is the isolation that comes with struggling during a season when everyone expects happiness. When you're having a panic attack at a July 4th barbecue or feeling suicidal thoughts during a "perfect" beach day, it can feel like you're the only person in the world who can't access joy when it's "supposed" to be easiest.

This isolation is compounded by well-meaning friends and family members who may suggest that sunshine and fresh air should cure your depression, or who express confusion about why you're "choosing" to be negative during such a beautiful time of year.

Finding Support During Summer Struggles

Understanding that summer trauma responses are normal and valid is the first step toward healing. Your nervous system's reactions to seasonal triggers aren't a choice or a personal failing—they're protective responses developed through difficult experiences.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist during summer months can be particularly valuable. Therapy can help process the underlying traumatic memories that summer experiences may be triggering. Therapy can also provide tools for managing social overwhelm, setting boundaries around summer activities, and developing coping strategies for sensory triggers.

You don't have to suffer through summer or force yourself to participate in activities that feel unsafe. It's okay to modify traditions, leave gatherings early, or create entirely new summer experiences that honor where you are in your healing journey.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and struggling during "happy" seasons doesn't mean you're not making progress. Sometimes the contrast of external expectations with internal experience can actually provide valuable information about what you need to feel safe and supported.

Summer can eventually become a season of genuine joy and peace—but that journey happens on your timeline, not society's calendar. With proper support and trauma-informed care, you can develop tools to navigate summer triggers while working toward a future where longer days truly do bring lighter feelings.

If you're struggling with trauma symptoms that seem to worsen during summer months, you don't have to face this alone. Our trauma-specialized therapists understand the unique challenges that seasonal triggers can present and are here to support you.

What is the Point of Premarital Therapy?

Why Premarital Counseling is the Best Investment in Your Future Marriage

Planning a wedding involves countless decisions—choosing venues, selecting flowers, tasting cakes, and coordinating guest lists. Couples spend months or even years perfecting every detail of their special day. Yet while most couples invest significant time and money into planning a single day, far fewer invest in preparing for the decades of marriage that follow. Premarital counseling offers one of the most valuable investments you can make in your relationship's future, providing tools and insights that can strengthen your bond for years to come.

Despite its proven benefits, premarital counseling is often overlooked or dismissed as unnecessary by couples who feel confident in their relationship. However, the strongest relationships aren't those without challenges—they're those equipped with the skills to navigate challenges together effectively.

Building Communication Skills Before You Need Them

Every couple believes they communicate well during the honeymoon phase of their relationship. However, marriage brings unique stressors that can strain even the strongest communication patterns. Financial pressures, career changes, family dynamics, and the daily realities of sharing a life together can reveal communication gaps that weren't apparent during dating.

Premarital counseling provides a safe space to practice difficult conversations before they become urgent. You'll learn how to discuss sensitive topics like money, intimacy, career goals, and family planning when emotions aren't running high. These skills become invaluable when real conflicts arise, helping you address issues constructively rather than falling into destructive patterns like stonewalling, criticism, or defensiveness.

Many couples discover that they have different communication styles or conflict resolution approaches. Understanding these differences early allows you to develop strategies that honor both partners' needs and prevent misunderstandings from escalating into relationship-threatening arguments.

Uncovering and Aligning Expectations

One of the most common sources of marital conflict stems from unspoken or mismatched expectations. Partners often assume they share the same vision for married life without ever explicitly discussing their assumptions. Premarital counseling helps couples uncover these hidden expectations and work through any significant differences before they become sources of disappointment or resentment.

These conversations might reveal differences in expectations about household responsibilities, career priorities, financial management, social life, intimacy, or future family planning. While discovering differences can initially feel concerning, addressing them proactively allows couples to negotiate compromises and create shared visions for their future together.

For example, one partner might expect to maintain the same social life they had while single, while the other envisions spending most evenings at home together. Neither expectation is wrong, but without discussion, these different visions could lead to conflict and feelings of rejection or suffocation.

Understanding Family History and Patterns

We all bring our family-of-origin experiences into our romantic relationships, often unconsciously. Premarital counseling helps couples explore how their upbringing influences their relationship expectations, communication styles, and approaches to conflict resolution.

Understanding these patterns helps couples recognize when they might be reacting to their partner through the lens of past family experiences rather than responding to the current situation. This awareness prevents many unnecessary conflicts and helps couples create new, healthier patterns that serve their unique relationship.

For those who experienced trauma, dysfunction, or unhealthy relationship models in their families, premarital counseling provides an opportunity to identify and address these influences before they impact the marriage. You can learn to recognize triggers, develop coping strategies, and create the kind of relationship you want rather than unconsciously repeating problematic patterns.

Financial Planning and Money Management

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce, yet many couples never have thorough conversations about their financial values, goals, and management styles before marriage. Premarital counseling provides a structured environment to discuss these crucial topics openly and honestly.

You'll explore attitudes toward spending and saving, debt management, financial goals, and how you'll handle major financial decisions as a team. These conversations help prevent many of the financial conflicts that can strain marriages, particularly during times of economic stress or major life transitions.

Understanding each other's relationship with money also helps couples develop systems that honor both partners' values and concerns, creating a foundation for financial teamwork rather than financial conflict throughout the marriage.

Strengthening Intimacy and Connection

Premarital counseling isn't just about preventing problems—it's also about enhancing the positive aspects of your relationship. Many couples discover new ways to deepen their emotional and physical intimacy through counseling conversations.

You'll explore love languages, discuss needs and desires openly, and learn techniques for maintaining connection through the various seasons of married life. This foundation of emotional intimacy becomes particularly important during stressful periods when couples might otherwise drift apart.

Developing Conflict Resolution Skills

All healthy relationships involve conflict—the difference between successful and unsuccessful couples isn't the absence of disagreement, but the ability to work through disagreements constructively. Premarital counseling teaches specific conflict resolution skills that can transform how you handle inevitable disagreements.

You'll learn techniques for fighting fairly, de-escalating heated conversations, finding win-win solutions, and repairing connection after conflicts occur. These skills prevent small disagreements from becoming relationship-threatening arguments and help couples maintain respect and affection even during difficult conversations.

Creating Shared Meaning and Purpose

Strong marriages are built on more than just love—they're built on shared meaning, values, and purpose. Premarital counseling helps couples explore their individual values and create a shared vision for their life together.

These conversations might cover spiritual beliefs, career goals, lifestyle preferences, family planning, and how you want to contribute to your community. When couples share a sense of purpose and meaning, they're better equipped to support each other through life's challenges and celebrate successes together.

Preventing Problems Rather Than Fixing Them

Perhaps most importantly, premarital counseling takes a preventive approach to relationship health. Rather than waiting until problems develop and seeking couples therapy to fix issues, premarital counseling helps couples build strong foundations from the beginning.

Research consistently shows that couples who participate in premarital counseling report higher relationship satisfaction and lower divorce rates. The investment of time and energy before marriage pays dividends throughout the relationship, helping couples navigate challenges with confidence and maintain connection during difficult periods.

Addressing Stigma and Resistance

Some couples resist premarital counseling because they worry it suggests their relationship is troubled or weak. In reality, the opposite is true—choosing premarital counseling demonstrates maturity, commitment, and wisdom. The strongest couples are those who actively invest in their relationship's health rather than assuming love alone will be sufficient.

Others worry that premarital counseling might reveal incompatibilities that threaten their engagement. While counseling sometimes does uncover significant differences, it's far better to address these issues before marriage than to discover them afterward. Most differences can be successfully navigated with good communication and compromise.

Making the Investment

Premarital counseling typically involves 6-12 sessions, making it a relatively small time investment compared to the years of marriage it can strengthen. When compared to the emotional and financial costs of divorce or ongoing marital conflict, premarital counseling represents one of the best investments couples can make in their future happiness.

The skills, insights, and foundation you build through premarital counseling will serve your relationship for decades to come, helping you create the kind of marriage you both dream of having.

Thrive Counseling Kirkland has therapists that specialize in helping couples build strong foundations for lasting marriages. We understand that every relationship is unique and tailor our premarital counseling approach to address your specific needs, concerns, and goals. Investing in your relationship's future starts with a single conversation—we're here to support you in creating the marriage you both deserve.

When Family Get-Togethers Bring Dread

Summer brings barbecues, vacations, and the inevitable family gatherings that many people dread more than anticipate. While social media portrays family reunions as joyful occasions filled with laughter and connection, the reality for many trauma survivors is far more complex. If you find yourself anxious about upcoming family events or struggling to recover after spending time with certain relatives, you're not alone—and your feelings are completely valid.

Family gatherings can be particularly challenging for those with trauma histories because families are often where our earliest wounds were formed. Understanding why these events feel so difficult and developing strategies to protect your mental health can help you navigate summer family obligations without sacrificing your well-being.

Why Family Gatherings Trigger Trauma Responses

Family systems often operate with unspoken rules, established power dynamics, and ingrained patterns that may have enabled or ignored past trauma. When you return to these environments, your nervous system can react as if you're stepping back into the original traumatic situation, even if the current gathering seems harmless on the surface.

These responses aren't dramatic overreactions—they're your body's intelligent protective mechanisms recognizing familiar danger signals. The uncle who minimized your childhood experiences, the parent who still uses guilt and manipulation tactics, or the sibling who refuses to acknowledge family dysfunction can all trigger fight-or-flight responses that leave you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Additionally, family gatherings often involve pressure to maintain the family's public image. You may feel obligated to pretend everything is fine, hug people who hurt you, or participate in conversations that invalidate your experiences. This emotional labor can be particularly draining for trauma survivors who've worked hard to establish boundaries and authentic relationships in their adult lives.

Common Challenging Family Dynamics

The Minimizer: Relatives who dismiss your experiences with phrases like "that was so long ago," "you're too sensitive," or "you need to just get over it." These responses can trigger shame and self-doubt about your healing journey.

The Provocateur: Family members who seem to deliberately push your buttons, bring up painful topics, or create drama. They may not understand why their behavior affects you so strongly, making you feel like the problem.

The Enabler: Relatives who maintain harmful family dynamics by making excuses for problematic behavior, pressuring you to "keep the peace," or guilt-tripping you for setting boundaries.

The Denier: Family members who refuse to acknowledge that harmful events occurred or insist that your memories are wrong. This gaslighting can be deeply destabilizing, especially if you've worked hard to trust your own experiences.

Preparing Your Mental Health Toolkit

Set Clear Boundaries Before You Go: Decide in advance what topics you won't discuss, how long you'll stay, and what behaviors you won't tolerate. Having an exit strategy reduces anxiety and gives you back some control.

Practice Grounding Techniques: Develop strategies to stay present when you feel triggered. This might include deep breathing, focusing on physical sensations like your feet on the ground, or silently naming objects you can see around you.

Prepare Standard Responses: Have ready phrases for deflecting inappropriate questions or comments. Simple responses like "I'd rather not discuss that," "That's not my experience," or "I need to step outside for a moment" can help you navigate difficult conversations.

Bring a Support Person: If possible, attend with a trusted friend or partner who understands your history and can provide emotional support or help you leave if necessary.

Plan Self-Care Recovery: Schedule downtime after family events. Plan activities that help you feel grounded and safe, whether that's a quiet evening at home, time in nature, or connecting with your chosen family.

During the Gathering: Survival Strategies

Take Regular Breaks: Step outside, go to the bathroom, or take a walk around the block. These mini-breaks can help reset your nervous system and prevent overwhelm.

Stay Connected to Your Adult Self: Remind yourself that you're no longer the vulnerable child or teenager who couldn't protect themselves. You have resources, choices, and the right to leave at any time.

Limit Alcohol: While it might seem tempting to use alcohol to cope with family stress, it can lower your defenses and make it harder to maintain boundaries or recognize when you need to leave.

Find Allies: Look for family members who are supportive or at least neutral. Having even one person who "gets it" can provide emotional refuge during difficult moments.

Trust Your Body: If you feel your heart racing, stomach churning, or muscles tensing, honor these signals. Your body is giving you important information about your safety and comfort level.

When Family Isn't Safe

Sometimes the healthiest choice is not attending family gatherings at all. You're not obligated to maintain relationships with people who consistently harm your mental health, even if they're family. The idea that "family comes first" can be particularly harmful for trauma survivors whose families were the source of their pain.

Creating boundaries around family contact doesn't make you selfish or ungrateful—it makes you self-aware and committed to your healing. Chosen family, close friends, and supportive communities can provide the love and connection that biological family may not be able to offer.

Recovering After Difficult Family Events

Even with preparation, family gatherings can be emotionally draining. It's normal to feel exhausted, triggered, or questioning your progress after spending time with difficult relatives. This doesn't mean you've regressed in your healing—it means you've survived a challenging situation.

Give yourself time to decompress. Journal about your experiences, talk with trusted friends or your therapist, and practice extra self-compassion. Notice what strategies worked well and what you might do differently next time.

Professional Support Makes a Difference

If family gatherings consistently derail your mental health or trigger intense trauma responses, working with a trauma-informed therapist can be invaluable. Therapy can help you process family-related trauma, develop stronger boundaries, and build confidence in navigating difficult relationships.

Therapy can be particularly helpful for processing painful family memories and reducing the emotional charge of family-related triggers. You don't have to suffer through another summer of family stress—professional support can help you develop the tools to protect your peace while honoring your own healing journey.

Our trauma-specialized therapists understand the unique challenges that family relationships can present for trauma survivors. We're here to support you in developing healthy boundaries, processing difficult family dynamics, and building the confidence to prioritize your mental health in all relationships.

Why Summer is the Perfect Time to Start Therapy

Summer often brings a collective sigh of relief. School's out, vacation plans are made, and the longer days seem to promise endless possibilities. Yet for many people, summer can also bring unexpected challenges that make it an ideal time to begin or recommit to therapy. While it might seem counterintuitive to start something as intensive as therapy during what's supposed to be the "relaxed" season, summer actually offers unique advantages that can accelerate healing and personal growth.

More Flexible Scheduling Creates Consistency

One of the biggest barriers to successful therapy is inconsistent attendance. During the school year and busy fall-through-spring work cycles, schedules become packed with obligations, making it difficult to maintain regular therapy appointments. Summer's slower pace often means more flexibility in your calendar, allowing you to establish a consistent therapy routine without the stress of rearranging multiple commitments.

This consistency is crucial for therapeutic progress. Regular sessions create momentum, allowing you to build trust with your therapist and dive deeper into issues without constantly restarting conversations. When you can attend sessions without the anxiety of missing important work meetings or school events, you're more present and engaged in the therapeutic process.

Natural Transitions Provide Processing Opportunities

Summer represents a natural transition period in most people's lives. Students move between academic years, families adjust to different routines, and many professionals take time to reassess their career paths. These transitions, while often positive, can bring up underlying anxieties, unresolved traumas, or relationship dynamics that benefit from professional support.

Starting therapy during a transition period allows you to process changes with guidance rather than struggling through them alone. Whether you're dealing with empty nest syndrome as children leave for camp, navigating relationship changes during vacation time together, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to make summer "perfect," therapy provides a safe space to explore these feelings.

Increased Social Exposure Reveals Hidden Patterns

Summer's social nature can be both wonderful and revealing. Barbecues, family reunions, vacation trips, and increased social gatherings can highlight relationship patterns, family dynamics, or social anxieties that remain hidden during more isolated months. If you find yourself dreading family gatherings, feeling left out of social activities, or noticing that certain relationships consistently drain your energy, summer's social calendar provides rich material for therapeutic exploration.

These situations offer real-time examples to discuss in therapy sessions, making abstract concepts more concrete and actionable. Your therapist can help you develop coping strategies for immediate use while working on deeper underlying issues.

Seasonal Depression Isn't Just for Winter

While Seasonal Affective Disorder is commonly associated with winter months, many people experience summer depression or anxiety. The pressure to be happy and active when the weather is beautiful can actually worsen feelings of depression or inadequacy. Social media amplifies this with endless photos of perfect beach days and exciting adventures, making those struggling with mental health feel even more isolated.

Summer therapy helps normalize these experiences and provides tools for managing seasonal expectations. A therapist can help you develop realistic goals for the season and challenge the harmful belief that good weather should automatically equal good mood.

Building Skills During Lower-Stress Periods

The relatively lower stress of summer provides an excellent opportunity to build coping skills and practice new behaviors before the intensity of fall returns. Whether you're working on communication skills, anxiety management techniques, or trauma processing, having more mental and emotional bandwidth during summer months allows for deeper skill development.

Taking Advantage of Greater Availability

Many people assume therapists are less available during summer months, but the opposite is often true. While some practitioners may take vacation time, many maintain full schedules and appreciate clients who can commit to consistent attendance during typically quieter periods. This can mean shorter wait times for appointments and more flexibility in scheduling.

Summer therapy isn't about fixing yourself before returning to "real life" in the fall. Instead, it's about using a naturally slower pace to invest in your mental health, build resilience, and develop tools that will serve you year-round. When September arrives with its inevitable increased demands, you'll be better equipped to handle stress and maintain the progress you've made.

Starting therapy in summer means prioritizing your mental health when you have the time and space to truly focus on growth—a gift that will pay dividends throughout the rest of the year.

3 Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Friendship (And Not Just Having a Bad Day)

by Isabelle Gahard MA, LMFTA

Friendships are often described as the family we choose and ideally, those relationships offer us connection, joy, and support. A good friend might cheer you on through life’s ups and downs, send funny texts when you’re low, or even (if you’re really lucky) pick you up from the airport.

But not every friendship is as nourishing as we hope. Some connections, whether gradually or from the start can leave us feeling more depleted than uplifted. So how can we tell the difference between a friendship that’s just going through a rough season and one that may be genuinely toxic?

Here are three subtle but important signs to pay attention to:

1. You Leave Hangouts Feeling Drained

One of the most common signs of a toxic friendship is how you feel afterward not just emotionally, but physically. If spending time with a friend consistently leaves you feeling tense, irritable, disappointed, or just… off, that’s worth exploring.

Sometimes our bodies pick up on discomfort before our minds catch up. You might sense that something isn’t quite right even if you can’t pinpoint exactly what. That vague unease? It matters. When we consistently feel emotionally depleted after seeing someone, it’s often a sign that the relationship may not be healthy for us.

A helpful question to ask: Do I feel more energized or more exhausted after spending time with this person?

2. The Conversation Always Circles Back to Them

It’s natural for a friend to sometimes need extra attention. They could be experiencing grief, super stressed,  or gone on a series of bad hinge dates. We show up for each other in different seasons. But in a toxic dynamic, the imbalance doesn’t go away. You may notice that the focus is always on them. No matter the topic, they find a way to center themselves.

This kind of one-sided connection can leave you feeling unseen or emotionally neglected. You might walk away from conversations wondering, Did they even ask how I’m doing?

Healthy friendships are mutual. It’s okay to need support and it’s also okay to expect it in return.

3. You Feel Judged, Not Supported

Friends can be brutally honest with us; which is why we often love and hate their advice. True friends can be honest with us, even when it’s hard to hear but there’s a difference between honesty and criticism. Toxic friends often mask judgment as “just being real.” You might notice they regularly put down your choices, compare themselves to you, or criticize things that are important to you like, your clothes, your goals, even your other relationships.

Over time, this can chip away at your self-esteem. You may start feeling smaller around them, more self-conscious, or like you have to shrink parts of yourself to keep the peace.

If being around someone consistently makes you question your worth, that’s a relationship worth re-evaluating.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Friendships are meant to support our growth, not hinder it. And yet, it’s not uncommon for a friendship to start out feeling good and gradually shift into something more draining or hurtful.

Recognizing that a friendship may no longer be healthy is a brave and caring act both for yourself and for the other person. Sometimes, walking away or creating distance is a way of honoring your own well-being.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic or angry. It can simply be a quiet, intentional choice to prioritize peace, authenticity, and mutual respect in your relationships.

You deserve to feel safe, seen, and supported in your friendships. Reassessing who you allow into your emotional space isn’t selfish, it's self-care.

You do not have to navigate this alone, reach out today and we are here to help.

What is IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy? Would I benefit?

What is IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy and would I benefit?

Developed in the 1980’s by Dr. Richard Schwartz, Internal Family Systems (IFS) has helped many people transform and integrate all their different parts. At its core, IFS is based on the premise that our minds are made up of multiple "parts," each representing different thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, much like a family. These parts can influence our actions and perceptions in profound ways, and understanding and harmonizing them can lead to healing and personal growth. Part of the beauty of the way in which IFS works is that it utilizes that you already have what you need for healing. 

Key Concepts of IFS Therapy:

The central tenet of IFS is the idea that our psyche is composed of various "parts" or sub-personalities. Each part has its own perspective, memories, and roles. Common types of parts include:

• Managers: These are protective parts that try to maintain control over how we feel and behave. They often deal with daily stresses and try to prevent pain. They can include perfectionism, caretaking, people-pleasing, overthinking, and self-criticism. 

• Firefighters: When emotional pain arises, these reactive parts intervene, often through impulsive or harmful behaviors (e.g., substance use, binge eating) to extinguish the distress.

• Exiles: These parts typically carry the pain of past traumas or negative experiences. Exiles show themselves through shame, painful memories, unmet needs, hurts and isolation. They are often buried or suppressed to shield the individual from their emotional turmoil.

IFS provides language and compassion to begin to engage the different parts of us that have been developed over time to help us survive. When we have compassion to the parts of us that have been working hard to protect us, we find that those parts soften and we begin to become more aligned to who we are and less reactive. We become empowered in our lives.

Self:

In addition to the various parts, IFS posits the existence of a core Self, characterized by qualities such as curiosity, calmness, confidence, compassion, courage, creativity, connection, and clarity. The Self is viewed as the guiding force that can lead to healing by fostering connection and understanding among the parts.

Internal System:

The unique configuration of parts and the Self forms an individual’s internal system. In a healthy system, the Self leads and helps balance the roles of each part. However, when parts are overwhelmed by experiences or trauma, the system may become chaotic, leading to internal conflicts and emotional distress.

Would I benefit from IFS?

Enhanced Self-Understanding:
IFS facilitates deep self-exploration and insight, helping individuals understand the root causes of their behaviors and emotional responses.

Reduction of Internal Conflict:
By fostering dialogue among parts and promoting self-leadership, IFS can help reduce internal conflicts that contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

Improved Emotional Regulation:
As individuals develop a compassionate relationship with their parts, they often experience greater emotional regulation, allowing for healthier coping mechanisms.

Healing from Trauma:
IFS is particularly effective for those who have experienced trauma, as it allows individuals to address and heal the exiled parts without becoming overwhelmed by their pain.

IFS therapy is a powerful approach that recognizes the complexity of who we are and how we ended up where we are currently at. By viewing internal experiences through the lens of family systems, individuals can gain clarity, develop compassion for themselves, and cultivate healing. Whether one is struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or simply seeking personal growth, IFS offers a unique and transformative path towards understanding and integration. When we can work with our system, pay attention to what our bodies are telling us and offer compassionate listening we begin to heal. Our triggers become quieter and we gain the capacity to be still. When we are working with our body versus against it, we begin to have more freedom and more wholeness. 

If you are finding yourself stuck in a similar pattern either with yourself or in your relationships, please know that you do not have to remain stuck. We would love to work with you to help you befriend yourself and all the different parts that have helped you get to today.