Understanding Attachment Theory, Part 1
During your personal therapy journey, you may have been introduced to the word “attachment” as it pertains to relationships. The psychological concept of attachment stems from attachment theory, which offers explanations for how people relate to others, themselves, and the world around them. So what really is attachment, how does it play a role in relationships, and how might it show up in the therapy room? Today, I want to dig into this concept a bit more together.
What is attachment theory?
When you are young, how your caregivers relate to you lays the foundation for how you build relationships as an adult. The behavior of your primary caregivers (often one’s parents) impacts the way you perceive and trust close relationships. As a child, you are dependent on your caregivers for survival, and as a result, you desire to be in close proximity to them and seek comfort, soothing, and support from them. In order to stay close to your caregivers for survival, you monitor your parents’ behaviors in relationships, to see what strategies you can use to remain close to them to get your needs met. If you can consistently rely on your caregivers to fulfill your emotional and physical needs growing up, you are likely to develop a secure attachment style and see relationships and the world as safe and predictable. Secure attachment requires that the caregivers offer a warm and caring environment, offer “good enough” proximity (closeness) to the child, and are attuned to the child’s needs, even when these needs are not clearly expressed. However, if your caregiver is consistently misattuned, neglectful, harmful, or frightening, this can lead to you developing insecure attachment. This means that you cannot consistently rely on your caregivers to fulfill your needs. As a result, it is hard to trust in others to do the same, and you can grow to see the world as an unsafe and unpredictable place.
According to the theory, there are four types of attachment styles—one being secure, and the other three being different types of insecure attachment:
1. Secure attachment
2. Insecure attachment
a. Avoidant attachment (also known as dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)
b. Anxious attachment (also known as preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)
c. Disorganized attachment (also known as fearful-avoidant in children)
How do these attachment styles play out in relationships?
Secure attachment: People with secure attachment are both comfortable being in relationships and comfortable being on their own; they are able to flex between separateness and connectedness. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others. They trust their partners and feel safe depending on them, and in turn, let their partners rely on them. They generally believe they have the inner resources to meet the difficulties that they face and believe that the world is more safe and predictable than it is unsafe and unpredictable.
Insecure- avoidant attachment: Those who identify as avoidantly attached see themselves as lone wolves—strong, independent, and self-sufficient. They tend to have a more positive view of themselves but struggle with emotional closeness. They do not want to depend on others, or have others depend on them. They also tend to shut down, hide, or suppress their feelings when faced with an emotionally overwhelming situation.
Insecure- anxious attachment: Those who identify as anxiously attached tend to have a strong fear of abandonment and value safety and closeness as top priorities. They tend to get anxious at the thought of living without their partner and often seek affirmation from them. If an anxiously attached person senses emotional distance from their partner, they try to cling to their partner even more, becoming very preoccupied with the relationship.
Insecure- disorganized attachment: The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their relationships. For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. This is because their caregiver was at best, unpredictable, and at worst, a source of harm or terror. This creates a situation called “fear without resolution,” in which the child is in a bind because the very person who is supposed to protect them from threats is actually what is threatening to them. They do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, hesitate to trust and depend on others. They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.
How does this apply to therapy?
Therapy helps heal attachment wounds because a skilled therapist, in a way, takes on the role of a pseudo-caregiver—the “good enough parent” that you longed for but did not consistently have. The therapist acts as a secure base for you by offering you attunement, containment, and modeling good rupture and repair. (Want to know more about these 3 components of secure attachment? Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series!) A therapist does this in a few ways.
First, the therapist, using curiosity and compassion, helps guide the way toward the untethered parts of you, showing you what attunement and healthy pursuit looks and feels like. Through this modeling, they restore some of your integrity and self-worth by essentially saying, “You are worth getting to know and being pursued in the midst of these uncharted waters.”
Next, the therapist sits with you in the uncharted waters, offering their presence to difficult parts of you, modeling for you the attunement and containment you deserved to get all along. Through this, they add more pieces to your integrity, saying, “I want to be with you just as you are; I am able to tolerate all parts of who you are, even the difficult or dark emotions do not make me uncomfortable. As you see me tolerating them, you will also realize they are tolerable and won't swallow you up.”
Then, the two of you work together to discover the destination you’re meant to sail toward and embark together. In doing so, they continue to build on your integrity, saying, “You have a unique purpose and gift for the world, and I’m on your team to help discover what that is and encourage you to offer it to others. Let’s do it! If we hit any rough seas, I'll be in your corner to help you overcome.”
After time, as secure attachment develops, you won’t feel as though you are constantly in uncharted waters in the world and in relationships. The waters will feel more predictable and safe. The therapist will transition to being a safe harbor that you can dock your boat at, so that you can refuel at any time, and go off and venture into the world once again, knowing that you have the inner resources to navigate any rough waters that you might face. This is the role that your caregiver was always meant to play—that of a safe harbor—but because of their unhealed wounds, they weren’t able to offer what you needed in the moment. In this beautiful way, therapy can help heal these parts of us that were left to flounder in troubled waters and can establish a calmer harbor for us. Because of this, we can feel safe resting into the beautiful parts of life, and also feel supported and resourced when we need to face difficult things in the future.