Have you ever struggled with anxiety and wondered what your anxiety is telling you? First, let’s talk about what anxiety is. Anxiety is similar to but distinct from the emotion of fear. Fear is a feeling of doom, unease, or apprehensiveness in response to imminent danger, to a known or specific threat that you can see on the horizon. Anxiety is a feeling of doom, unease, or apprehensiveness when no immediate danger is present, when you’re in the face of an unknown or poorly defined threat.
Fear used to be a protective and advantageous emotion that emerged in response to an immediate threat. The emotion of fear prompts our nervous system to take a defensive action to fight, flight, freeze, cry for help, or feign death. We should be grateful for the emotion of fear because it mobilizes our bodies to defend ourselves and equips us to preserve our lives. However, we no longer live in the same environment that people generations ago did. In a way, thanks to technology, social media, and globalization, we are constantly bombarded by situations that seem threatening to our sense of safety and stability—no matter how minor they are—thus activating our nervous system’s fear response. Over time, if this fear response is constantly activated, it can become a chronic state of anxiety.
I like to think of it as a protective part of us that forms in anticipation of something bad possibly happening in the future, even though nothing bad is happening right now. It’s a part of us that is so highly attuned to all the possible things that could go wrong in the world, that it decides to be present 24/7, to try to “get ahead” or “plan for” the bad things that can happen. It attempts to assume a higher level of control to protect us, but in doing so, sacrifices present-moment joy and contentedness, in order to always be on guard. It sacrifices peace in order to never experience powerlessness or experience being blind-sided. As a result, we can develop a love-hate relationship with this part of us. On one hand, we are grateful for the way our anxiety helps us prepare for and tackle situations when they come. Our anxiety gives us the illusion of having more power and control in a very chaotic and painful world around us. On the other hand, it robs us of momentary joy, and our nervous systems are unable to relax in the present moment. This wreaks havoc on our nervous systems, our bodies and health, our ability to be close to others and find pleasure in relationships, and our ability to take risks and play. Ideally, we want to be able to trust that this part of us will turn on in response to a threat, but will also stand down when no immediate threat is on the horizon. We want to keep this part of us, but integrate it back into our nervous systems as a healthy, immediate fear response; and encourage it to stand back or relax as a chronically anxious, overly controlling anxiety response. If we want to change our chronic anxiety, how do we begin to relate to this part of ourselves differently when we notice it coming up?
Author Curtis Chang, who wrote The Anxiety Opportunity offers a unique perspective on how to make sense of this anxious part of ourselves and begin to relate to it differently. He describes anxiety as an indicator of how we relate to our suffering in life. In other words, typically, we try to do anything other than go headfirst into our suffering, and anxiety emerges when we want to avoid our suffering, rather than go through it. He coined an “algorithm” for anxiety, which he defines as anxiety = loss/suffering x avoidance. In other words, he proposes that anxiety emerges and increases to the degree that we try to avoid experiencing, feeling, and being in our loss or suffering. He says that there are 2 ways that we can avoid suffering. First, in the typical sense, we can avoid looking at it or be in denial that it exists. Or, second, we can seem like we are looking at our problem, but we are actually trying to turn it over and over again until we find the solution that will make the problem or pain go away or resolve. And ultimately, a problem or resolution can never be found, so we continue to ruminate or obsess indefinitely. This happens because we are afraid to face the suffering or loss from a place of powerlessness, and so use anxiety in the form of control as a way to avoid dealing with it.
So next time you feel your anxiety creeping up, maybe a way of looking at it is to say, what pain or loss am I feeling right now? Or what pain or loss am I afraid would show up if my anxiety stepped back momentarily? When I encounter loss or suffering, do I tend to avoid it completely, or try to step into the illusion of control and ruminate about it, hoping for a solution or ending to the pain or uncertainty? Am I afraid to experience these emotions on my own, does it feel too big for me to carry on my own?
If these questions resonate with you, or prompt you to want to dig deeper into understanding yourself and your own anxiety, please reach out! We at Thrive are here to help you find peace and rest in the presence of an attuned and caring listener.
From The Anxiety Opportunity by Curtis Chang