Differentiation in Relationships
By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA
What is differentiation and why is it important to know about in the context of relationships? Differentiation is a concept that holds that there are two opposing forces operating at the same time in every relationship: our desire to be together or to belong to another, and our desire to be autonomous and individual.
In relationships, we want to strive for a healthy level of differentiation—meaning, we want to be able to be flexible between these two forces, and not become rigid in always operating in one of these two spaces. If we are poorly differentiated, we typically become either-or in our response to relationships; we either lose ourselves into the attachment and minimize ourselves, or we feel suffocated and withdraw from the relationship, thinking that is the only way to hold onto ourselves. Striving for differentiation does not mean striving for independence and not needing anybody else. And it also does not mean striving to belong to someone so fully that you lose your sense of who you are or deny your importance in favor of the other person. It means finding a way that you can show up in relationships “big and together”—in other words, how can I grow in my ability to be comfortable in a relationship where I offer who I am authentically and want the other person to choose me for who I am? And how do I see my partner for who they really are, not who I want or “need” them to be?
Looking at it from this differentiation lens, in relationships, we should strive to be developmentally mature individuals who are responsible for our own growth and own self-soothing. The place of our partner is not to make us comfortable or provide us with validation that bolsters our insecure sense of self or flailing self-esteem. Rather, it is someone who respects and cherishes who we are, trusts us to move towards our own growth, and is honored to accompany us on the journey of life toward greater meaning, joy, and integration. The perspective of differentiation says that intimacy is honesty, not placation or validation or reassurance. It argues that, if your relationship becomes based on the expectation your partner will offer those things to you, it puts an unfair strain on the relationship that it is not designed to bear. After all, our partners are fully human, just like us. They are not gods or perfect parents.
At one time, we did need a perfect parent to make us feel safe in the world. But as adults, is it the duty of other adult partners to continue to provide that? Or, is it on us to grieve the unconditional love and care we may not have received as infants, and to step bravely into the vulnerability of choosing to love ourselves unconditionally, before we expect anyone else to do it for us?
If you are feeling stuck in your relationship and want to find more balance on this spectrum of individuality and togetherness, reach out to Thrive today!