Watching someone you love struggle with depression can be painful, confusing, and maybe even frustrating at times. Many partners want desperately to help but feel helpless or afraid of saying the wrong thing. Mental illness typically not only impacts the person but also the relationship which can leave both partners feeling lost.
It may feel like you have to but, you don’t need to/can’t fix your partner’s depression. Your role is to be a safe and caring presence. Here’s some tips for how you can truly support them and yourself:
Listen Without Trying to “Solve”
This advice honestly is for all couples, not just those experiencing depression. Oftentimes when our partner is sharing a struggle with us, we interpret it as them wanting a solution when really they may just want to vent or express difficult emotions. Instead of offering quick solutions or telling them to “look on the bright side,” focus on listening. Or just simply asking them if they want advice or for you to just be a pair of ears. Sit with them. Let them talk without judgment. Simple responses like “I’m here for you” or “Tell me more about what you’re feeling” can make your depressed partner feel less lonely. People who are depressed sometimes do not want to share how they feel because they do not want to feel like a problem or burden that needs to be fixed. By simply listening you are offering support to your partner without implying that they need fixing.
Find Support
If possible, encourage your partner to open up to others about what is going on. Looping in close friends and family can help show you and your partner that there is a greater support network outside of just the two of you. Now don’t push your partner to tell others but sometimes reminding them that they have other people that love and support them can encourage them to open up to others. When it comes to any mental illness, having community support can make a huge difference. It also is a good reminder for you that you are not the only person that provides your partner emotional support.
Validate Their Experience
Depression is an illness, not a choice. Acknowledge their pain instead of dismissing it. Phrases like “That sounds really hard” or “It makes sense you feel overwhelmed” help them feel understood. It also removes the pressure of needing to explain why someone feels the way they do. By simply validating their emotions they can feel more comfortable confiding in you.
Gently Encourage Professional Help
It is important for you to know that you are not your partner's therapist (yes that even goes for therapists with depressed partners). Encouraging your partner to seek professional help can take some of the emotional load off of both of you. It allows for your partner to have a skilled third party to talk to that can give them tools to help navigate the different components of depression. You might say, “Have you thought about talking to a therapist? I can help you find someone.” Be patient if they’re hesitant, change takes time, and sometimes people are scared to seek higher help because it makes the problem feel more real.
Take Care of Yourself
Supporting someone with depression respectfully, can be draining. It can at times feel selfish to be emotionally exhausted or overwhelmed by your partner's depression. Remember to set boundaries, get your own support, and recognize your limitations. You can only do so much and are not solely responsible for your partner's happiness. If you aren’t taking care of yourself how are you supposed to take care of them…
Watch for Signs of Crisis
It is always better to be safe than sorry; some people worry about making a big deal if their partners mention thoughts of not wanting to be alive or suicidal ideation. While it is scary to hear you partner talk about not wanting to be alive if they talk about wanting to die or you suspect they’re suicidal, take it seriously. Ask directly: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” If they say yes, don’t leave them alone call 988 (the US suicide and crisis lifeline) or go to the nearest emergency room where a social worker will help ensure your partners safety.
As much as you wish you could, you can’t cure your partner’s depression, but you can help them feel less alone. Your compassion, patience, and willingness to stay present can make a real difference. If you or your partner are struggling, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Help is available, and no one has to face this alone.