Generational Trauma: What if some of what we are experiencing did not start with us?

Generational trauma refers to the transmission of trauma from one generation to the next. It is the idea that the effects of trauma can be passed down through genetics, behaviors, and family dynamics. This concept suggests that trauma experienced by one generation can impact the mental, emotional, and even physical well-being of subsequent generations.

Different ways in which generational trauma can manifest, such as through the perpetuation of abusive behaviors, the development of mental health issues, or the adoption of maladaptive coping mechanisms. For the sake of this blog we will be looking at maladaptive behaviors.

Adoption of maladaptive coping mechanisms can be a result of generational trauma. When individuals experience trauma, they may develop coping mechanisms to help them deal with the overwhelming emotions and stress. However, if these coping mechanisms are maladaptive, meaning they do not effectively address the trauma or contribute to long-term healing, they can be passed down to future generations. This can create a cycle of unhealthy coping strategies that perpetuate the effects of trauma. 

Maladaptive coping mechanisms are behaviors or strategies that individuals use to deal with stress or difficult emotions, but they are ultimately ineffective or harmful in the long run. Some examples of maladaptive coping mechanisms include:

1. Substance abuse: Using drugs or alcohol as a way to escape or numb emotional pain.

2. Self-harm: Engaging in self-injury, such as cutting or burning oneself, as a way to cope with emotional distress.

3. Avoidance: Avoiding or withdrawing from situations or people that trigger negative emotions, instead of facing and addressing them.

4. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge or accept the reality of a situation, which can prevent individuals from seeking help or making positive changes.

5. Emotional eating: Using food as a way to cope with stress or emotions, leading to unhealthy eating habits and potential weight gain.

6. Excessive spending: Engaging in impulsive or excessive shopping as a way to temporarily feel better, but ultimately leading to financial problems.

7. Procrastination: Putting off tasks or responsibilities until the last minute, which can lead to increased stress and negative consequences.

8. Isolation: Withdrawing from social interactions and relationships, which can contribute to feelings of loneliness and depression.

These are just a few examples, and it's important to note that everyone copes with stress differently. However, when coping mechanisms become maladaptive, they can interfere with daily functioning and overall well-being.

Healing from generational trauma in therapy can be a complex process, but there are several approaches that can be effective. Some common therapeutic techniques used to address generational trauma include:

1. Trauma-focused therapy: This type of therapy focuses specifically on addressing and processing traumatic experiences. Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and somatic experiencing may be used.

2. Narrative therapy: This approach involves exploring and reframing the stories and narratives that individuals and families have about their trauma. By examining and challenging these narratives, individuals can gain a new perspective and create a more empowering narrative for themselves.

3. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help individuals develop a greater sense of self-awareness and regulate their emotions. Asking the question of “Is this something I believe?” and pausing gives the body the opportunity to begin to question if thoughts and behaviors that have lived with them for a long time are even theirs.

It's important to note that healing from generational trauma is a deeply personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. Here at Thrive Counseling Kirkland we are trauma informed and available to tailor the treatment approach to your specific needs and goals. Healing and Freedom are possible.  You can shift the trajectory of your present,  future and those that come behind you.  

How do I hold onto myself in a relationship?

Differentiation in Relationships

By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

What is differentiation and why is it important to know about in the context of relationships? Differentiation is a concept that holds that there are two opposing forces operating at the same time in every relationship: our desire to be together or to belong to another, and our desire to be autonomous and individual.

In relationships, we want to strive for a healthy level of differentiation—meaning, we want to be able to be flexible between these two forces, and not become rigid in always operating in one of these two spaces. If we are poorly differentiated, we typically become either-or in our response to relationships; we either lose ourselves into the attachment and minimize ourselves, or we feel suffocated and withdraw from the relationship, thinking that is the only way to hold onto ourselves. Striving for differentiation does not mean striving for independence and not needing anybody else. And it also does not mean striving to belong to someone so fully that you lose your sense of who you are or deny your importance in favor of the other person. It means finding a way that you can show up in relationships “big and together”—in other words, how can I grow in my ability to be comfortable in a relationship where I offer who I am authentically and want the other person to choose me for who I am? And how do I see my partner for who they really are, not who I want or “need” them to be?

Looking at it from this differentiation lens, in relationships, we should strive to be developmentally mature individuals who are responsible for our own growth and own self-soothing. The place of our partner is not to make us comfortable or provide us with validation that bolsters our insecure sense of self or flailing self-esteem. Rather, it is someone who respects and cherishes who we are, trusts us to move towards our own growth, and is honored to accompany us on the journey of life toward greater meaning, joy, and integration. The perspective of differentiation says that intimacy is honesty, not placation or validation or reassurance. It argues that, if your relationship becomes based on the expectation your partner will offer those things to you, it puts an unfair strain on the relationship that it is not designed to bear. After all, our partners are fully human, just like us. They are not gods or perfect parents.

At one time, we did need a perfect parent to make us feel safe in the world. But as adults, is it the duty of other adult partners to continue to provide that? Or, is it on us to grieve the unconditional love and care we may not have received as infants, and to step bravely into the vulnerability of choosing to love ourselves unconditionally, before we expect anyone else to do it for us?

If you are feeling stuck in your relationship and want to find more balance on this spectrum of individuality and togetherness, reach out to Thrive today!

Overcoming Your Ghosting Habits: Moving Towards Improved Communication

Ghosting has become an all-too-common behavior in today's digital age. Whether it's online dating, friendships, or professional relationships, many of us have either been ghosted or have been guilty of ghosting others. While it's easy to justify our actions due to fear, discomfort, or simply not knowing how to communicate, ghosting can inflict emotional harm on others and hinder our personal growth. Today we are exploring how to overcome the habit of ghosting others and learn healthier ways of communicating and dealing with uncomfortable situations.

1. Reflect on your behavior:
   The first step towards improvement is self-awareness. Take a moment to honestly reflect on your ghosting tendencies. Consider the emotions and consequences ghosting can have on the recipient, and how it makes you feel afterwards. Recognize that ghosting is essentially avoiding confrontation or difficult conversations, which prevents the possibility of growth and understanding for both parties involved.

2. Evaluate your motives:
   Understanding your motives behind ghosting is essential for overcoming this habit. Are you afraid of confrontation? Do you find it difficult to express your true feelings? Identifying these underlying reasons will help you address them directly.

3. Develop empathy:
   Empathy is crucial in breaking the cycle of ghosting. Put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand the impact your behavior might have had on them. Realizing the negative effects of ghosting can motivate you to change your ways and value the emotions and time of others.

4. Find alternative communication methods:
   Instead of resorting to ghosting, take the time to explore alternative communication methods. Initiating an honest conversation, whether in person or online, can provide both parties with closure and an opportunity to express their feelings. Be prepared for discomfort, but remember that it's a necessary discomfort for personal growth.

5. Practice active listening:
   Once you've decided to communicate, actively listen to the other person's perspective without interruption or judgment. Pay attention to their feelings and validate them, even if they may differ from your own. Active listening helps foster open and honest communication, paving the way for resolution or understanding.

6. Embrace vulnerability:
   Overcoming ghosting often involves being vulnerable. Opening up about your own fears and insecurities can establish a sense of trust and empathy between you and the person you previously ghosted. By showing vulnerability, you not only create space for healing but also encourage the other person to reflect on their own emotions.

7. Learn from each experience:
   Recognize that overcoming ghosting is not an overnight process. Each new experience provides an opportunity to learn and grow. Take note of the emotions and thoughts that arise before, during, and after having difficult conversations. Use these insights to identify patterns and work on overcoming fear and discomfort.

8. Avoid an emotional volcano:

   Ignoring your feelings and pushing your emotions down often leads to an eruption. If you have a history of disappearing from relationships, where did you push your feelings aside? When did the relationship become something that was easier to walk away from vs facing the uncomfortable of addressing it?

   
   Ghosting is a habit that prevents genuine connections and growth. However, by reflecting on our behavior, developing empathy, practicing active listening, and embracing vulnerability, we can shift towards healthier communication habits. Remember, building meaningful relationships requires effort and open dialogue, so let's make an effort to overcome ghosting and foster stronger connections with those around us. If you are noticing that you have a pattern of ghosting out of relationships, you do not have to continue this pattern. We can help you unravel where this was a survival skill that once stood to protect you but is now causing more heartache and harm. You do not have to navigate this alone.

Why Do People Ghost? Unraveling the Mystery Behind Sudden Disappearances in Relationships

In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, there exists a behavior that has puzzled many - ghosting. This phenomenon, where one person abruptly cuts off all communication with another, can leave the recipient feeling confused, hurt, and questioning their worth. However, it's essential to approach this topic from a therapeutic standpoint to understand the underlying motivations behind ghosting.

One possible explanation for ghosting in friendships revolves around the avoidance of confrontation and uncomfortable conversations. Some individuals may struggle to express their feelings, concerns, or dissatisfaction with the friendship directly. For them, it becomes a daunting task to engage in difficult discussions, leading them to opt for a complete cessation of contact instead.

In certain scenarios, ghosting stems from conflict avoidance. Individuals may fear disagreements or arguments that could arise within the friendship. Rather than confront these challenges, they believe that abruptly ending the connection is the easiest way out. Unfortunately, this behavior can prevent necessary communication and hinder growth within the friendship.

Another reason people might choose to ghost is due to a lack of interest or investment. Some individuals lose enthusiasm for maintaining the relationship and no longer feel motivated to put in the effort required. This lack of motivation leads them to withdraw without providing any explanation, leaving their friend feeling shocked and abandoned.

Life's circumstances can also unintentionally lead to ghosting. Major life changes or personal challenges, such as mental health issues, busy schedules, or significant events, can cause individuals to withdraw from social interactions. Although not intentional, ghosting can still cause pain for the person left behind.

Additionally, communication style or habit can play a role in ghosting. For some individuals, abruptly cutting off contact when they no longer wish to engage in a friendship is a habitual pattern. They might have a tendency to avoid difficult conversations, making ghosting their preferred method of ending relationships.

However, it is crucial to remember that if you find yourself being ghosted, it is not a reflection of your worth or value as a friend. Rather, it is a reflection of the other person's behavior and choices. During this difficult time, focus on nurturing other friendships, practicing self-care, and seeking support from those who genuinely value and appreciate your friendship.

On the subject of dating, ghosting remains an enigma that many encounter. When it comes to romantic relationships, ghosting can happen for similar reasons, although the dynamics differ slightly.

Conflict avoidance often plays a significant role in ghosting within romantic relationships. People might choose this path to avoid uncomfortable conversations, including potential conflicts or breakups. Expressing their feelings, ending the relationship directly, or confronting any challenges that have arisen can be particularly challenging for them.

At the heart of ghosting in dating lies the fear of confrontation or rejection. The person who chooses to ghost may dread the other person's reaction, subsequent rejection, or the emotional intensity that might arise from ending the relationship. Rather than facing those potential difficulties head-on, they opt for disappearing altogether.

Similarly to friendship ghosting, a loss of interest or investment can explain ghosting in romantic relationships. The one who ghosts may have lost their passion for the relationship or simply no longer be invested in it. They might not find it necessary to communicate their change in feelings or intentions and instead choose to withdraw without explanation.

Emotional immaturity or an avoidance of emotional responsibility can also be underlying reasons for ghosting in romantic relationships. Individuals who struggle with handling difficult emotions or navigating the complexities of ending a relationship may resort to ghosting as an escape route.

Lastly, life's circumstances can unintentionally lead to ghosting even in romantic relationships. Personal challenges, mental health issues, family or work-related stress, and significant life transitions can cause individuals to withdraw from the relationship without explanation.

Remember, if you find yourself being ghosted in dating, it is essential to separate their behavior from your own worth or value as a romantic partner. Focus on practicing self-care, seeking support from friends or a therapist, and engaging in activities that promote healing and personal growth.

Navigating the complexities of human relationships can be challenging, and ghosting is undoubtedly a painful experience. Therapy can be helpful in providing insight into the motivations behind this behavior. It is important to remember that while ghosting is hurtful, it is ultimately a reflection of the other person's choices and actions. Stay true to yourself, invest in nurturing connections that value your presence, and prioritize your wellbeing above all else. Being ghosted does not reflect your worth. Likewise, if you are someone who has a pattern of ghosting, you do not have to continue this pattern, working with a therapist can help uncover what the drivers are that lead to ghosting for you. You do not have to navigate this alone. We are here for you.

Stay tuned for Part 3: Overcoming Your Ghosting Habits: Moving Towards Improved Communication

Navigating Ghosting: Understanding the Signs and Healing From the Experience

Being ghosted can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and unsure of your worth. It's important to recognize the signs of ghosting and take steps to heal from the experience. In this blog, we will explore the common signs of ghosting, guidelines for determining when to stop reaching out, and how therapy can help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.

Signs of Ghosting:
Being aware of the signs of ghosting can help you navigate the experience more effectively. Here are some common signs to look out for:

1. Lack of response: If the person you have been communicating with suddenly stops responding without any valid reason, it could be a sign of ghosting. The absence of communication can leave you feeling confused and wondering what went wrong.

2. Change in communication patterns: If there was consistent and frequent communication before, but it suddenly becomes sporadic or non-existent, it may suggest that you are being ghosted. Recognizing this change can help you make sense of the situation.

3. Ignoring attempts to reach out: When you have made multiple attempts to contact the person, but they consistently ignore or avoid responding, it could be an indication of ghosting. This lack of acknowledgement can be hurtful and frustrating.

4. Social media activity: If the person is active on social media platforms but does not respond to your messages, it might suggest that they are intentionally avoiding you. This behavior can add to the confusion and hurt associated with ghosting.

When to Stop Reaching Out:
Determining when to stop reaching out can be challenging. While every situation is unique, here are some general guidelines to consider:

1. Give it some time: It's important to allow a reasonable amount of time for a response before assuming you are being ghosted. People may have various reasons for not responding promptly, such as being busy or dealing with personal issues.

2. Assess the context: Consider the nature of your relationship and the communication patterns you had before suspecting ghosting. If there was consistent and frequent communication in the past, a sudden and prolonged lack of response may be a sign of ghosting.

3. Trust your instincts: If you have a strong gut feeling that you are being ghosted and have made multiple attempts to reach out without any response, it may be an indication that it's time to stop reaching out. Trusting your instincts can guide you in making the best decision for your well-being.

4. Prioritize your well-being: Continuously reaching out to someone who is not reciprocating can be emotionally draining. It's essential to prioritize your own well-being and not invest excessive energy into a one-sided relationship. Redirect your focus and energy towards relationships that are more mutually supportive.

Seeking Support in Therapy:
Recognizing and processing the emotions associated with being ghosted is crucial for healing. Therapists can provide a safe and nonjudgmental space to explore these feelings. In therapy, you can:

• Explore coping strategies: Therapists can help you develop healthy coping strategies to navigate through the emotions that arise from being ghosted. These strategies can include self-care practices, managing negative thoughts, and finding healthy ways to express your emotions.

• Build resilience: Therapy can help build resilience, empowering you to bounce back from the experience of being ghosted. Developing resilience involves enhancing your ability to adapt and grow from challenging situations, ultimately increasing your emotional well-being.

• Develop healthy communication skills: Addressing any difficulties or insecurities in communication can help you in future relationships. Therapy can provide a space to explore your communication patterns, learn effective strategies, and improve your ability to express yourself assertively.

  
  Being ghosted can be a painful experience, but it's important to remember that it is not a reflection of your worth. Recognizing the signs of ghosting, setting boundaries, and seeking support in therapy can aid in your healing process. Remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, open communication, and honesty. By prioritizing your well-being, you can navigate the complexities of being ghosted and develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

  If you are struggling with the abrupt and confusing ending of a relationship, we are here to help you heal and to empower you in who you are.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Why Do People Ghost? Unraveling the Mystery Behind Sudden Disappearances in Relationships

Why do I need an ADHD coach?

ADHD coaching and therapy are both valuable approaches to addressing ADHD, but they serve different purposes and can be used in conjunction with each other. Here are some reasons why coaching may be preferred over therapy for ADHD:

1. Focus on practical strategies: ADHD coaching typically focuses on developing practical strategies and skills to manage ADHD symptoms and improve daily functioning. Coaching provides specific tools, techniques, and action plans to help individuals with ADHD overcome challenges and achieve their goals.

2. Personalized support: A coach can provide personalized support tailored to your specific needs and challenges related to ADHD. They can help you identify your strengths, areas for improvement, and develop strategies to manage your symptoms effectively.

3. Goal-oriented approach: Coaching is often goal-oriented and future-focused. It helps individuals set specific goals and work towards achieving them. This can be particularly beneficial for individuals with ADHD who may struggle with long-term planning and staying focused on their objectives. A coach can assist you in setting realistic goals and creating action plans to achieve them. They can break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps and provide accountability to help you stay on track. This can be particularly helpful for individuals with ADHD who may struggle with organization, time management, and follow-through.

4. Accountability and structure: ADHD coaching provides accountability and structure, which can be especially helpful for individuals with ADHD who may struggle with organization, time management, and follow-through. Coaches help clients stay on track, monitor progress, and provide support and encouragement along the way.

5. Skill-building and self-empowerment: Coaching focuses on developing skills and strategies that empower individuals with ADHD to take control of their lives. It helps individuals identify their strengths, build self-confidence, and develop effective coping mechanisms. A coach can teach you practical skills and strategies to manage your ADHD symptoms and overcome challenges. They can provide techniques for improving focus and attention, time management strategies, organization methods, and stress reduction techniques, among others. These skills can help you navigate daily tasks more efficiently and enhance your overall functioning.  Coaching encourages individuals to become active participants in their own growth and development.

6. Practical support for daily life: ADHD coaching can provide practical support and guidance for managing everyday challenges related to ADHD, such as time management, organization, and task prioritization. Coaches can help individuals develop personalized systems and routines to improve daily functioning.

7. Emotional support and motivation: Dealing with ADHD can be emotionally challenging at times. A coach can offer emotional support, encouragement, and motivation throughout your journey. They can help you navigate any frustrations, setbacks, or self-doubt that may arise and provide guidance to help you maintain a positive mindset.

8. Complementary to therapy: ADHD coaching can be used in conjunction with therapy to provide a comprehensive approach to addressing ADHD. By providing additional support and practical strategies to help you manage your symptoms and improve your overall functioning. A coach can empower you to take control of your life, build self-confidence, and make positive changes.

It's important to note that the choice between coaching and therapy for ADHD may depend on individual preferences, needs, and goals. Some individuals may find a combination of both coaching and therapy to be most beneficial for managing their ADHD symptoms and improving their overall well-being.

Our ADHD Coach Matthew Hesslegrave is available to meet in-person in Kirkland, WA and via telehealth for those that are not local and out of state.

SCHEDULE WITH MATTHEW

The Anxiety Opportunity

By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

Have you ever struggled with anxiety and wondered what your anxiety is telling you? First, let’s talk about what anxiety is. Anxiety is similar to but distinct from the emotion of fear. Fear is a feeling of doom, unease, or apprehensiveness in response to imminent danger, to a known or specific threat that you can see on the horizon. Anxiety is a feeling of doom, unease, or apprehensiveness when no immediate danger is present, when you’re in the face of an unknown or poorly defined threat.  

Fear used to be a protective and advantageous emotion that emerged in response to an immediate threat. The emotion of fear prompts our nervous system to take a defensive action to fight, flight, freeze, cry for help, or feign death. We should be grateful for the emotion of fear because it mobilizes our bodies to defend ourselves and equips us to preserve our lives. However, we no longer live in the same environment that people generations ago did. In a way, thanks to technology, social media, and globalization, we are constantly bombarded by situations that seem threatening to our sense of safety and stability—no matter how minor they are—thus activating our nervous system’s fear response. Over time, if this fear response is constantly activated, it can become a chronic state of anxiety.

I like to think of it as a protective part of us that forms in anticipation of something bad possibly happening in the future, even though nothing bad is happening right now. It’s a part of us that is so highly attuned to all the possible things that could go wrong in the world, that it decides to be present 24/7, to try to “get ahead” or “plan for” the bad things that can happen. It attempts to assume a higher level of control to protect us, but in doing so, sacrifices present-moment joy and contentedness, in order to always be on guard. It sacrifices peace in order to never experience powerlessness or experience being blind-sided. As a result, we can develop a love-hate relationship with this part of us. On one hand, we are grateful for the way our anxiety helps us prepare for and tackle situations when they come. Our anxiety gives us the illusion of having more power and control in a very chaotic and painful world around us. On the other hand, it robs us of momentary joy, and our nervous systems are unable to relax in the present moment. This wreaks havoc on our nervous systems, our bodies and health, our ability to be close to others and find pleasure in relationships, and our ability to take risks and play. Ideally, we want to be able to trust that this part of us will turn on in response to a threat, but will also stand down when no immediate threat is on the horizon. We want to keep this part of us, but integrate it back into our nervous systems as a healthy, immediate fear response; and encourage it to stand back or relax as a chronically anxious, overly controlling anxiety response. If we want to change our chronic anxiety, how do we begin to relate to this part of ourselves differently when we notice it coming up?

Author Curtis Chang, who wrote The Anxiety Opportunity offers a unique perspective on how to make sense of this anxious part of ourselves and begin to relate to it differently. He describes anxiety as an indicator of how we relate to our suffering in life. In other words, typically, we try to do anything other than go headfirst into our suffering, and anxiety emerges when we want to avoid our suffering, rather than go through it. He coined an “algorithm” for anxiety, which he defines as anxiety = loss/suffering x avoidance. In other words, he proposes that anxiety emerges and increases to the degree that we try to avoid experiencing, feeling, and being in our loss or suffering. He says that there are 2 ways that we can avoid suffering. First, in the typical sense, we can avoid looking at it or be in denial that it exists. Or, second, we can seem like we are looking at our problem, but we are actually trying to turn it over and over again until we find the solution that will make the problem or pain go away or resolve. And ultimately, a problem or resolution can never be found, so we continue to ruminate or obsess indefinitely. This happens because we are afraid to face the suffering or loss from a place of powerlessness, and so use anxiety in the form of control as a way to avoid dealing with it.

So next time you feel your anxiety creeping up, maybe a way of looking at it is to say, what pain or loss am I feeling right now? Or what pain or loss am I afraid would show up if my anxiety stepped back momentarily? When I encounter loss or suffering, do I tend to avoid it completely, or try to step into the illusion of control and ruminate about it, hoping for a solution or ending to the pain or uncertainty? Am I afraid to experience these emotions on my own, does it feel too big for me to carry on my own?

If these questions resonate with you, or prompt you to want to dig deeper into understanding yourself and your own anxiety, please reach out! We at Thrive are here to help you find peace and rest in the presence of an attuned and caring listener.

From The Anxiety Opportunity by Curtis Chang

ADD/ADHD Coaching Towards Success

By Matthew Hesselgrave, coach

Coaching someone with ADD/ADHD towards success.

Hi, my name is Matthew and I’m a Mental Health Life Coach. I have also been living with ADD for 44 years, have 2 children with ADHD so, I understand the challenges. One of the many important things I’ve learned over the years and in talking with others who struggle is the importance of overcoming some of the most common obstacles that can block progress in dealing with the condition especially immediately after being diagnosed.

So, you or someone you love has just been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. You got the meds. What now? What follows are some of the challenges we must overcome to create a life worth living.

Overcoming the stigma

You are not defective – any more than someone with diabetes is defective. You have a chemical imbalance just like someone with diabetes. Everyone has some challenge in life and those challenges can be overcome.

You are not lazy – in fact you are highly motivated but lack the brain chemistry to sustain focus on things that don’t interest you. The key is learning the skills necessary to “push through” and achieve your goals.

You have a medical condition – it is a neurotransmitter imbalance in the brain and is universally recognized as a psychological disorder by the CDC, WHO, American Department of Education and the American Psychiatric Association and is listed in the DSM-V, the official mental health “bible” of psychiatric disorders.

You are not stupid – in fact you are likely highly intelligent. You just have trouble focusing and require different learning structures.

You need medication – remember you have neurotransmitter/neurochemical imbalance and meds supplement that chemical deficiency in the same way a diabetic uses insulin to correct their chemical deficiency.

You can be successful – in fact many people with ADD/ADHD are successful. You just need to find “your thing” – the thing that grabs and keeps your attention. The thing you stay up at night thinking about. Leveraging that thing makes a huge difference both in self-esteem and in feeling successful.

Overcoming negative self-talk. Stop lying to yourself!

“I’m using my ADHD diagnosis as an excuse for failure” – but there is a difference between an excuse and legitimate reason. We have a medical condition which requires treatment. It starts with meds, counseling and coaching. We can learn new skills and set goals which will help us succeed. The onlyfailure is not to try.

“I’ll never be self-disciplined” – yes, it may be harder for us to focus and stick to things especially if those things don’t hold our interest. But self-discipline is a learned skill and with effort and coaching we can learn to practice the art of self-discipline.

“I can’t be successful” – by who’s measure? There is always a temptation to compare ourselves with others who are neuro-typical, but we are really good at many things; it is a matter of focusing on our strengths and finding success in what interests us.

“I’ll never be like everyone else” – so what? I love the saying “you do you,” it is freeing to be yourself. Think of all the athletes, musicians and artists you look up to, are they like everyone else? We are unique and possess abilities few others do: we can focus intently on what interests us. We can be outgoing. We are creative. We are empathetic. We are driven. We are problem solvers. And many of us have a great sense of humor.

“I’m just not cut out for school” – but we are capable of learning. School is a means to an end. It prepares us for our future. Sometimes it requires special accommodations to be successful. And sometimes it requires learning new skills or a different way of studying. Sometimes success is found in other educational opportunities like trade school. And sometimes we just have to do our best to get through it. Sometimes we need a coach to encourage us, help set realistic goals and develop a plan.

“I’ll never amount to anything” – WRONG! There are so many successful people out there with ADD/ADHD. Ever heard of Bill Gates or Richard Branson? How about Emma Watson, Jim Carrey, Justin Timberlake or Kurt Cobain? How about Michael Jordan, Caitlyn Jenner, Pete Rose or Greg Lemond? Or maybe you have heard of Markiplier, Erin Brockovich-Ellis, JBAverage or David Blaine. They are all famous, successful and are from every walk of life. Check out this link to read about 100 of them!

Overcoming side effects of the meds

“I don’t feel the same when I’m on my meds.” This was the main complaint of my son, Wes, when he began to take his ADD medication. My heart went out to him. Normally, Wes is outgoing, gregarious and funny but on his meds, he felt 50% of his “normal” self. So often dealing with side effects is a catch 22 – we lose our appetites, we often can’t sleep, and we hyper-focus and miss what is going on around us, we are impulsive or like my son we feel less ourselves. But what’s the alternative? For Wes it was poor school and work performance, trouble concentrating and frustration at trying to keep up. It also caused relationship problems by being in his own world. For others its mood changes, inability to keep a job, feeling out of control, being irresponsible, underperforming and all the self-esteem and shame issues that accompany those things.

For many of us, including my son, the negatives outweigh the positives. So, what can we do? First, not all drugs work the same for everyone. For Wes we tried at least 4-5 meds in several categories before finding the one with the least side effects. This took over a year as each med had to be tried for 30-60 days to evaluate its effectiveness. It was hard but the outcome is worth it. Wes is living his best life.

Second, we need help. We need to develop a support system that include family, friends, prescribing doctors/psychiatrists/ARNP’s, counselors and/or life coaches to walk with us through the difficulties ahead, providing support and encouragement as well as help navigating the challenges of the side effects.

Finally, here’s the good news: the side effects eventually diminish and for many go away altogether. And those that don’t can be managed.

Overcoming relationship problems

It can be particularly hard for people with ADHD to have successful long-term relationships. But that does not mean we can’t have them, it just takes some work, I believe we are made for relationships, and they are worth fighting for. So often our relationships become adversarial. This is true for parent child relationships and marriage relationships as well. Some of the challenges our partners or parents face in living with us are; we can be poor listeners, easily distracted, forgetful, impulsive, prone to emotional outbursts, and at times insensitive.

Despite this our relationships are not destined to fail or always be in crisis. Sometimes we just need to slow down and put in the time and attention required to build up our relationships. In fact, our ability to focus can be a real asset when directed onto our relationships. We can learn to love and love well.

It starts with recognizing that ADHD is the problem and not the person with the condition. It is helpful to develop a team approach to contending with the condition that focus’ on a deep understanding of the ins and outs of living with ADHD, gaining good communication skills, building a strong commitment to each other and to the relationship, developing a mutual compassion for each other – for the one with ADHD and the one who has to live with them, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to succeed. This includes taking medication and may include regular CBT counseling, couples or family counseling and meeting with a life coach to set goals, build new skills, talk through the challenges, and provide accountability. Parents may need to learn how to set boundaries, create predictable routines, and establish a system of consequences and rewards for their children, as well as learning how to understand, empathize, support and encourage their child.

Living with ADD/ADHD can be hard both for the one with the condition and the one who loves them. Like everything in life that is worth having, relationships take work. For more information on relationships, please read these articles:

ADHD and Relationships

Parenting with ADHD

Parenting a Child with ADHD

If you want to talk further about what coaching can look like for you, please reach out. You do not have to navigate this alone, we are here to support you on the journey towards freedom and fullness.

SCHEDULE WITH MATTHEW

Why Mental Health Coaching for Bi-Polar?

Why do I need a Mental Health Life Coach for Bi-Polar or any other mental health disorder?

By Matthew Hesselgrave, ADHD and Bi-Polar Coach

I have been working with Elizabeth (pseudonym) for about a year now. She was diagnosed with bi-polar type 2 eighteen months ago and has experienced the typical cycling between long depressions, lasting several weeks, punctuated by the hypomanic states lasting several days to a couple weeks. Understandably, she often felt out of control being pushed and pulled between the polls and wondered if she’d ever feel “normal” again. In fact she had lost sight of what normal was altogether. Outside of her depressed and hypomanic states she felt scared, sad and angry over her tenuous stability and lived in a constant state of anxiety waiting for the next cycle to upend her world.

She is seeing a psychiatrist for medication but is experiencing added ups and downs of the “try this – try that”, find the right medication regimen, which adds to the anxiety and uncertainty. She has also been doing therapy for deeper psychological exploration, but feels it isn’t very helpful, as she has for the most part healthy relationships and attachments and very little – if any – past psychological trauma.

She began to see me as her Mental Health Life Coach when she heard that I have been living with bi-polar for over 25 years and have the lived experience of managing the illness. As we traveled the rough terrain of her bi-polar journey I have helped her find her “new normal” and learn to ride out some of the ups and downs both in terms of cycles and of life, helping her set goals, gain perspective, acquire education and practice new skills useful in contending with her bi-polar reality. She is beginning to feel like she is getting her life back and is starting to recognize her triggers and when she starts to swing. She is still struggling with meds, side effects and trying to understand if this one or that one is helping or not, but we are talking, tracking, recording and researching options to keep her psychiatrist well informed of her progress and goals.

Elizabeth is my ideal client and a nearly perfect example of how the right coach can help manage mental health problems. A life coach can be a critical part of a care team both as a coach providing encouragement and practical skills necessary to manage the illness, but also as an advocate for the client, who is often unable to effectively self-advocate with mental health professionals, especially prescribing doctors and psychiatrists.

It is important for me to help my clients recognize that a bi-polar diagnosis is not the end of the world and to see the light on the horizon that comes from effectively managing the illness. Hope is critical and so hard to find especially in the first few months of the diagnosis. A coach can help clients find that hope and even learn not just to survive a mental health reality but to thrive in it. I myself am a prime example.

My own story starts in late 1998 when I began to experience crippling bouts of depression that lasted for several months at a time. I was treated with anti-depressants which never seemed to help for very long and inevitably the depression came back worse. Eventually it would go away only to reappear some months later. This happened over and over for years. Finally, in 2003 after almost giving up, I received the bi-polar 2 diagnosis and was given my first somewhat effective regimen of meds. But predictably the meds had life impacting side effects. And it was another 2 years to get the right combo which allowed me to function “normally”. Meanwhile I had to learn to maintain a job, support my growing family and l function despite my illness. It was a lonely path and IT WASN’T EASY!

In trying to find help I went to one unhelpful therapist after another who mostly wanted to excavate my past, spend endless sessions talking or offered shallow advice and useless self-help programs. Finally, in 2008 I found a wonderful psychiatric nurse practitioner who brought the right combination of evidence based advice and medication on board, so that I really started feeling grounded and stable for the first time in 11 years! I remained reasonably stable for 3 years before I hit another rough patch. Unfortunately, my nurse practitioner retired and moved away so I went through several other mental health professionals trying to find that elusive combination of just right counseling and prescriptions. It was several additional years until I once again found another talented psychiatric nurse practitioner who worked with me for 3 years. Her philosophy was a no-compromise approach to mental health, she tweaked and tweaked the meds until they worked with little to no side effects. She got me off some harmful meds. And she coached me in many practical ways until I eventually reached my optimal level of mental health satisfaction.

That was 2018 and I’ve sustained that optimal level of mental health ever since. What I’ve learned through my own mental health journey, I bring to my coaching sessions. I’ve been in the trenches and have learned what works and what doesn’t. The coaching I received from my nurse practitioners was evidence based, practical, goal orientated, encouraging and hopeful. It came from their own experiences in life and practice.

I model my own approach to coaching after the coaching I received from them. No, I obviously can’t and won’t give medication advice but I can help my clients research and educate themselves on what the best therapies and practices are. I can encourage them to maintain hope for the right combo of meds being found. I can advise them to listen to their own bodies and explain how to report side effects and efficacy. I can encourage them to set and take charge of their own mental health goals. And like what was done for me, I can offer evidence based advice, listen to their struggles, help them find hope and a path forward and when appropriate I can relate my own experiences letting them know they are not alone.

You are not alone. Whether or not you are feeling hopeful, I am for you. I have a roadmap for us that leads to freedom and fullness in your life.

SCHEDULE WITH MATTHEW

Practical Dating Advice for Women

By Marianne esterly ma, lmhc

Ladies, he thinks you are attractive. And he is telling the truth.

Dating can be hard and exhausting. Sure it can also be fun and exciting…but to get there you need to make the match first. It is hard to make a connection, make a match that is truly a match and get to know each other. Sometimes we make dating harder than it ought to be. Women in particular are prone to not believe they are beautiful.  Where does this come from? It is a shame that many girls are not raised with the belief that they are beautiful.  

Disclaimer: I agree that women are more than beauty. I agree that their insides should be seen for who they are: their strength, their giftings, their smarts, their humor, etc… 

Today is not about the insides. Today we are focusing on believing that your outsides are more than good enough, they are beautiful. If you do not believe you are beautiful, why? Where does that message come from? Family? Peers? Friends? It is important to be curious about why you do not believe you are beautiful and why. It is not in your favor to believe anything less than you are beautiful.  Who wins if you are not beautiful? Is it worth their win? You have to live in you for life. It is in your best interest to believe in your beauty. 

What happens when you believe that you are beautiful. Try it right now, put your hand on your heart and take a deep breath in and out and now gently say to yourself, “I am beautiful.” What happens in your body when you say that? Does a part of you (or all of you) rest in that statement? Does it bring peace? Perhaps a little smile at the truthfulness of it. 

What happens when you can hold the truth of who you are and go out into the world? Doing this you will show up more confident. You will begin to live more into what you are truly worth–which is goodness. And you will not settle for less as easily. 

Back to dating, when you get asked out it is because he thinks you are beautiful. He likes the way you look. That is it. He may also think you are funny, smart, etc…but the main thing he knows WITH CERTAINTY is that he likes the way you look. You are someone he wants to look at, be seen with and get to know. It is easy to fall into the trap of needing assurance that he finds you attractive, that assurance seeking feels good to you and tiring to him. If he gives you a complement, say “thank you.” In this instance thank you is a complete sentence. 

After a compliment do not tell him why you don’t love what he loves about you.  Or explain why receiving the compliment is hard. When you do this, this dance of seeking assurance, it moves him from giving a great compliment and enjoying you to caretaking your insecurities. It is not his job to caretake your insecurities. It is actually your job to caretake your insecurities, to be curious about them and pursue healing for them.

Not that you need permission, but sometimes it makes it easier when we have it, women embrace your beauty and do not settle for the lie that you are anything but beautiful. If you have friends that do not encourage or support your beauty–they are not friends: they are women stuck in a cycle of competitiveness where none should be. Further encouragement and permission to rest in the knowledge that when you get asked out, he thinks you are attractive. 

We get it, it can feel like a big risk to believe and live into and out of your beauty. If you need help unraveling where you feel stuck in believing what is true about you or figure out why receiving compliments is so hard. We are here for you!

The Parts of Us: An Internal Family Systems Perspective

by Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy modality that uses Family Systems theory—the concept that individuals cannot be fully understood apart from the family—to address issues within a person’s internal world. This approach assumes that we have a variety of sub-personalities, or “parts,” and trying to get to know each of these parts better achieves healing. By learning how different parts of ourselves function as a system, it can become easier to identify the roots of conflict, manage our emotions, and achieve greater well-being. 

IFS Therapy Model

The IFS Therapy Model describes that we have a core Self that existed before we were wounded. It is marked my characteristics of curiosity, compassion, connectedness, calmness, flexibility—an openness to the world; a lack of rigidity in beliefs, actions, emotions; a desire to connect with others in healthy interdependence. However, at one point or over a period of time, this core Self becomes wounded due to the brokenness of the world that leaves us in pain, afraid, alone, ashamed. As a result of that harm, our mind transforms into a few different parts in order to make sense of, survive, and move forward from what happened to us.

The IFS model describes these types of parts, which will be outlined below. In general, each of our parts plays a role in achieving self-preservation, so they are validated and recognized as important due to their protective functions. However, our main goal is to prevent each of these parts from taking over our Self, and rather enabling the core Self to be the leader and understand each part, its purpose, and what it needs to step into a less extreme role. Typically, parts of us focused too intensely on self-preservation when the threat is no longer present are assuming extreme roles.

The extreme roles are the ones IFS tries to focus on in therapy work; these parts often underlie compulsive behaviors, or when we feel like we “have to” do things. The goal is to help parts discover their non-extreme roles. There is no such thing as a “bad part.” Parts engaging in non-extreme behavior are very beneficial to us.

There are three distinct types of parts in the IFS model:

1. Managers are protective parts of us that are responsible for maintaining our daily functioning, by keeping away any unwanted or overwhelming emotions or experiences from the outside world. Think of them as the type A project managers, the critical coach, the constant caretaker. They keep pushing you forward to achieve your goals.

2. Exiles are the parts of us that are in a state of pain or trauma, which may result from childhood experiences. Our protective parts (managers and firefighters) exile these parts and prevent them from reaching the forefront of our attention, so that we can maintain proper functioning. These are the parts of us that are being protected. Think of them as the neglected infant, the terrified toddler, the ashamed preteen, etc.

3. Firefighters are protective parts of us that try to distract us when our exiles, or wounded parts, break free from suppression. To protect ourselves from feeling overwhelmed by the pain of the exiles, firefighters try their best to “put the fire out” by any means possible. Typically, this looks like impulsive or compulsive behaviors, because those are the easiest and fastest tools available for self-soothing the burn wounds. Think of them as the compulsive drinker, the compulsive exerciser, etc.

IFS therapy aims to differentiate the Self from the other parts (managers, firefighters, and exiles) making up a person’s inner world. The ultimate goal is to unburden or restore extreme and wounded parts and establish a trusted, healthy, harmonious internal system that is led by the Self.

In a way, the core Self becomes a good internal parent managing the various younger parts it is taking care of, providing for each part’s needs and also utilizing healthy boundaries. 

What Might this Look Like?

Let’s illustrate this internal world of parts with an example. Let’s say you were neglected as a young child in early elementary school, due to a single parent who was an alcoholic. They left for work early in the day and didn’t come home until late at night, and then became drunk quickly, leaving little room for caring for you and connecting with you. This would leave you alone a lot, worried about your parent’s safety or ability to care for you, and likely produce feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, or shame. At that age, it’s very hard to change your situation, and the reality of your unmet needs and desires might seem like too much to bear. Yet, you have to get up and go to school every day, and complete your homework every night, or it could make things worse at home. So your managers step in and try to suppress your feelings—your exiled parts—so that you can complete your tasks. However, sometimes when you are alone at night, or scared when your parent gets drunk, the exiled parts are too much to bear. In order to make the pain stop, you reach for your video game console or your favorite cookies in the pantry. That helps to temporarily stop the pain and you are able to get up the next morning, when your managers kick back in. This is what this powerful system of self-preservation might look like.

An important disclaimer to note, though, is that we all reach for the video game or Netflix show, or cookies from time to time when we experience negative emotions! It’s when these thoughts or behaviors become persistent, seem to hijack our whole self, and end up harming us, that we need to step in to try to unburden and care for these parts.

If you would like someone to work with you through what your different parts and how are they showing up in your life we are here for you.

Learning to say No

By Molly Kitz, MA LMHC

Have you ever agreed to do something and then later regretted saying “yes”? Maybe you felt miserable attending an event or hanging out with a friend but felt too bad to say “no.” In today’s world, there is a pressure to be busy and say “yes” to everything and everyone due to our intrinsic desire to be socially accepted. Saying “no” is not ingrained in us from a young age, though learning to say “no” in the appropriate situations allows for freedom and control over our personal lives, our personal time, and our boundaries while also giving us the space to increase our confidence. 

Learning to effectively say “no” is hard. It takes time, patience, and practice. Although there are hundreds of ways to effectively say “no,” we will start with some basic practices and steps to increase your confidence is saying “no.” 

The first step in effectively learning to “no” is to explore why you fear saying “no.” We may fear rejection, we may fear missing out, we may fear the uncertainty surrounding other’s reactions, or we may fear letting someone down. Saying “no” may come off aggressive, harsh, or even mean. There also may be unpleasant physical feelings that come up when you say “no” to someone. Check in with your body - does your chest tighten up? Do you feel uncomfortable in one part of your body when saying “no”? Do you experience symptoms of anxiety when saying “no”? Checking in with your body is an important task, especially when you are doing something that is out of your comfort zone (like saying “no!”). 

Another important step in learning to say “no” is to explore past experiences. Would you describe yourself as a people-pleaser? Someone who always strives to make others happy? These identities may be rooted in your childhood experiences and according to attachment theory, may impact your relationships as an adult. Neglect from parents may have caused us to go out of our way to please others around us, seeking attention and praise from anyone. While others may have experienced praise by their parents when they were helpful, completed chores, or even played unhealthy roles within the family system. As a result of our childhoods, some of us may feel obligated to say “yes” as it is what we were taught. This can result in feeling the desire to please others, and often this is achieved by saying “yes.” 

Two additional ways to effectively learn to say no include assessing the situation and practicing saying no. When assessing the situation, allow yourself to make an informed decision. You would never buy a car without first doing your due diligence - think of situations in this similar way. Allow yourself time to assess what you are saying “yes” or “no” to. You can ask questions to clarify. Practicing can also benefit you, especially if saying “no” causes anxiety or stress. Practice in the mirror, in the shower, or even in the car. 

So, you have mastered saying “no;” let’s explore the benefits of doing such!

1. Saying “no” increases your confidence. When you routinely step out of your comfort zone and do things that make you feel uncomfortable, it helps build your confidence in overcoming bigger obstacles. 

2. Saying “no” gives you freedom. When you say “no” and respect your boundaries, you give yourself the freedom to do what you want to do with your time. This extra time can be spent practicing self-care, achieving your goals, or recharging yourself. Saying “no” makes you a priority. 

October is not often a time that people set new resolutions, but with the year coming to end, how could these last few months (especially around the holidays) be better spent by learning to say “no?”

If you find yourself saying “yes” when you ought to be saying “no” or you feel trapped in a cycle of people pleasing, we are here and available to help you move to where you want to be. If you would like someone to walk with you to help identify where you learned to say yes when you would like to say no, we are here for you.

Mindfulness for Beginners

Mindfulness for Beginners- 3 Tips for Calming Your Mind

By Genevieve Ulm, MA LMHCA

Do you struggle with negative thoughts; or catch yourself in the same familiar loops of unhelpful thinking? Learning to become mindful of our thoughts and more grounded into our body can help calm the noise. Mindfulness is often one of the first things we practice/teach in therapy. Mindfulness asks the individual to become aware of the thoughts, emotions, and overall body with the intention of being fully in the present moment with no judgement of oneself. This technique is helpful in the sense that only when become aware of what is going on in the background, can we start to make adjustments that allow for a calmer and more peaceful inner narrative. In a society where we rarely take the breaks needed to recharge and process our lives; it can take being intentional to create space to do just that. The three beginner tips below are great tools to start adding mindfulness into your routine.

Tip 1: Focus on your breath.

Throw away all misconceptions that you need your brain to be completely quiet while meditating or practicing mindfulness! Our brains are the world’s best storytellers and rarely do they go quiet without a lot of intentionality. Even with intentionality, it is natural for thoughts to pop up.

When beginning mindfulness, focus on your natural breathing pattern; pay attention to your inhale, exhale, and what the air feels like in your body. You could place a hand on your chest and stomach to physically feel the rise and fall of the air moving. Your mind will start to wander because that is normal. Your only task is to gently become aware of where your thoughts went, take a deep refocusing breath, and bring attention back to your breathing. Some of those thoughts may really want to stick around! A helpful tool could be to write that thought down.

Writing will help ensure you that the thought is not lost and will come back later. Then you will attempt to refocus on the breath. It will take practice and training to build this skill!

Tip 2: Notice the language and tone of your inner voice.

It is important to be aware of how we speak to ourselves because this tone of voice is how we set the overall tone for our entire day. Many of us have an inner critic that can be loud and say hurtful things all day long. There is an exhausting emotional battle going on that we do not always pay attention to; how draining this conflict can be on our whole body!

A good rule of thumb is if you would not say it out loud to someone else that you care deeply about, do not say it to yourself.

The practice of shifting this dialogue is gently correcting it whenever you notice a negative thought directed at yourself. For example, you notice your thoughts when you wake up a few minutes late. Maybe your inner voice sounds something like “ugh, I am so lazy, why can’t I just get up” or “here I go again messing up another day”. When you notice a thought like this, the hardest part can be getting yourself to pause and shift; taking a few deep breathes can help. The most important part is rephrasing the words. It will probably feel silly the first few times, but it is important to reteach our brains!

Rephrasing those negative thoughts to something like “wow I must have been tired, it is okay and human to need sleep” or “this is just the beginning of my day, I have enough time to regroup and be okay”. Shifting this voice can result in feeling lighter, calmer, and more in control of our thinking.

Tip 3: Tune into your body

Our body holds a lot of our stress and ignored feelings throughout the day. Common places we hold stress are our jaw and shoulders; but even our fingers and toes can be storing it. Performing a body scan can help you to give attention to each part of your body and intentionally release any stored tension.

One way to do a body scan is to settle yourself with 3-5 deep breathes. Following the breaths and starting with your toes, you will squeeze your toes on the inhale, hold for a few seconds, then release your toes on the exhale. Next you move up to your calves, thighs, core, finger, arms, neck, and jaw. Repeat the process of squeeze/inhale, hold, release/exhale. When you are done with the individual body parts you then attempt to squeeze your whole body. Finally, try to release and exhale any leftover tension for a couple seconds to feel refreshed. If you notice a few body parts need the process repeated, then do that!

There are no rules, just suggestions you can alter to best match your body’s needs and preferences.

The more often you practice these three tips, the more confident you will become at using these tools when you feel overwhelmed or stressed. Attempt to practice these skills 5-10 minutes at a time and build from there. If 5 minutes feels too big then make it smaller! When it comes to adding in therapeutic tools for your life, there is always a way to make the first step smaller if it feels too big. The goal is to make it work for you and improve your quality of life. Attempting to make this type of change should never add shame or guilt that another thing feels like too much.

You can start with picking one skill to practice once a week, or you can try all three skills multiple times a week. Both end with progress toward a happier and healthier mind/body experience. Pick what works for you and build on it when and where you can! We are here to walk with you as you connect and find peace and rhythms in your life.

What do I need to have a secure attachment?

By Lindsay Deiley MA, LMHCA

The Building Blocks of Attachment

In Part 1 of this series on attachment, we looked at the different types of attachment styles and how they manifested in relationships with others, ourselves, and to our environment. Today, we will explore the development of secure attachment by looking at key building blocks for healthy attachment in relationships: attunement, containment, and rupture and repair. Let’s dig a little deeper into understanding these three critical ingredients.

Attunement

To understand the concept of attunement, think of the phrase “in tune with.” Attunement is being aware of and responsive to the emotions and/or needs of another person. I also like to describe it almost as being a mirror to another person, in the sense that you can track with and reflect well the other person’s emotional state. Another way of describing it is learning another person’s rhythm and being in step with them, in the sense that you can tell when their steps change or their pacing is off. If a person becomes well-attuned to another, their ability to sense the other’s emotions and needs can almost be predictive—meaning, they know the person so well that they can anticipate their responses or needs. You can see this often with mother-child relationships, especially before the child is verbal, where the mother has grown so attuned to the child that she is able to tell what the child’s cries are asking for without any words.

Attunement is about having a person feel as though they are understood, seen, and felt by another person. Good attunement requires being able to read a person’s needs or emotions and stay present with that person even when it feels tough. As we consistently show up and validate a person’s needs, this attuning process grows the capacity for felt safety within relationships. As you provide attunement for a person, they will feel safe with you, and as a person does this for you, you will feel safer with them.

This piece is often where attunement breaks down in relationships—in simple ways, like when the listener is distracted with a device or a demanding job, or in more complex ways, when the listener becomes uncomfortable with the feelings of another and is no longer present in the conversation. Of course, this broken attunement happens to us all from time to time. We are only human! We all miss each other from time to time, get each other wrong, miscalculate where the other is at. A critical piece of this concept is that we do not need to be perfect at attuning to others. The goal is never to be perfect, but rather practicing “good enough” attunement. In other words, more often than not, do I have the sense that another person gets me, that they want to be with me in hard things?

Containment

To help understand the concept of containment, think of a container: a defined space that can safely hold and accommodate its contents. As it relates to attachment, containment refers to the relational ability to “hold” whatever the other person needs held emotionally and to create a sense of safety in the relational space. As an illustration, think about a parent engaging with a toddler who is starting to experience big, intense emotions. Typically, toddlers become overwhelmed by what they are feeling and have a hard time regulating themselves. This can often be a frightening or overwhelming experience for them, to have such big energy taking over such a small body! When a parent steps in with a regulated and calm demeanor, acknowledges and identifies the emotion, and helps the child begin to regulate, what they are offering is containment. The parent helps hold the emotion while the child can safely begin to soothe. These early experiences of containment are key in building secure attachments: a child can consistently depend on an adult to help create a safe relational space for self-regulation. It is important that there be a distinction between helping hold emotional experiences and becoming overwhelmed by them as the person holding the space. A boundary helps both people involved know where their emotions and experiences end, and the other’s begins.

I sometimes like to describe it this way, as illustrations can be helpful. The parent is wrangling this giant, chaotic black mass of emotion that the toddler is figuratively throwing at them (or, if you have a toddler, often literally). The parent who is using their words to name and explain the emotion or the need is “taming” the emotion—akin to drawing a silhouette around it to transform this big black mass into something more manageable, a smaller black shape with boundaries. As the parent is trying to communicate with the child, the parent is then figuratively “giving back” to the child the emotion in its newer, more manageable “container.” The container is much easier for the child to physically hold and examine and isn’t as scary as a large, all-encompassing, uncontrolled monster.

Where this can breakdown is if the parent has a hard time remaining present and regulated and is unable to consider the child’s feelings as separate from their own feelings. Perhaps the child’s anger reminds them of their parent’s anger, and instead of remaining present with the child, they withdraw internally, or get frustrated with the child, because they are afraid and want the child to stop being angry. In this situation, the child learns the opposite of containment—now, not only are they afraid their emotion is going to overwhelm them, but also they have experienced their emotion as equally overwhelming to their parent, who is now “emotionally” abandoning them. This interaction has confirmed that emotions really are scary black monsters that move people away from them, leaving them alone, and the child must avoid this at all costs.  

Of course, as with attunement, we can never be perfect at this! From time to time, we will get overwhelmed by others’ emotions. That is being human. The aim is always “good enough”—to, more often than not, try to be present with another and hold what they are feeling, and to ask for the same from others.

Rupture and Repair

            This brings us to the final building block of attachment—rupture and repair. As I mentioned in the previous two sections, sometimes we get stuff wrong in relationships. We miss seeing that our spouse is crabby when they come home from work. We don’t see that our kid is struggling with a friend at school. We get overwhelmed by our friend’s emotions and react critically instead of with empathy and good boundaries. Our own exhaustion keeps us from being present when our kid is trying to engage with us after dinner. We are human!

            Thankfully, this last piece of attachment is what helps us during these times that our humanity shows up. What is rupture and what is repair? Rupture is a breakdown in our connection with another person. It’s a roadblock that pops up in the highway of communication, trust, and intimacy with someone we care about. Rupture includes almost anything that disrupts a relational connection, and it often looks like a conflict of some sort. Repair is a process about how we navigate the new distance between us and close the gap, to once again be in step with each other and feel on safe, steady ground. It goes farther than just taking an apologetic stance. It dives deeper into naming what has happened, owning our role in what happened, seeing how it impacted each person (which includes listening to the other person’s version of the event), considering together how the rupture was co-created, and exploring a way forward in the relationship.

People are often afraid of conflict in relationships, and understandably if they never experienced good repair! They learned that conflict leads to distance, and there weren’t really attempts to repair and be in step again. Of course, in those instances, they would want to avoid conflict at all costs, if it leaves them feeling alone and ashamed. However, good repair can help us to fear conflict less, and encourages us to show more of ourselves in relationships, trusting the other person will be there. Good repair is so good, and I would argue, is the most important ingredient to the formation of trust in relationships. If we fight, if we have a conflict, can we trust each other to move towards each other again? Can we trust each other to stay when it’s tough?

Now that we have reviewed these three crucial building blocks of healthy attachment—attunement, containment, rupture and repair—hopefully, you have a more concrete idea of how a safe and secure relationship is formed and maintained. This knowledge can equip you to more deeply examine how others care for you, as well as how you care for others.  

If you would like to pursue your attachment and how to implement repair into your relationships we are here for you.

Attachment theory and you? Why does it matter?

by lindsay deiley ma, lmhca

Understanding Attachment Theory, Part 1

During your personal therapy journey, you may have been introduced to the word “attachment” as it pertains to relationships. The psychological concept of attachment stems from attachment theory, which offers explanations for how people relate to others, themselves, and the world around them. So what really is attachment, how does it play a role in relationships, and how might it show up in the therapy room? Today, I want to dig into this concept a bit more together.

What is attachment theory?

When you are young, how your caregivers relate to you lays the foundation for how you build relationships as an adult. The behavior of your primary caregivers (often one’s parents) impacts the way you perceive and trust close relationships. As a child, you are dependent on your caregivers for survival, and as a result, you desire to be in close proximity to them and seek comfort, soothing, and support from them. In order to stay close to your caregivers for survival, you monitor your parents’ behaviors in relationships, to see what strategies you can use to remain close to them to get your needs met. If you can consistently rely on your caregivers to fulfill your emotional and physical needs growing up, you are likely to develop a secure attachment style and see relationships and the world as safe and predictable. Secure attachment requires that the caregivers offer a warm and caring environment, offer “good enough” proximity (closeness) to the child, and are attuned to the child’s needs, even when these needs are not clearly expressed. However, if your caregiver is consistently misattuned, neglectful, harmful, or frightening, this can lead to you developing insecure attachment. This means that you cannot consistently rely on your caregivers to fulfill your needs. As a result, it is hard to trust in others to do the same, and you can grow to see the world as an unsafe and unpredictable place.

According to the theory, there are four types of attachment styles—one being secure, and the other three being different types of insecure attachment:

1.     Secure attachment

2.     Insecure attachment

a.     Avoidant attachment (also known as dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)

b.     Anxious attachment (also known as preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)

c.     Disorganized attachment (also known as fearful-avoidant in children)

How do these attachment styles play out in relationships?

Secure attachment:  People with secure attachment are both comfortable being in relationships and comfortable being on their own; they are able to flex between separateness and connectedness. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others. They trust their partners and feel safe depending on them, and in turn, let their partners rely on them. They generally believe they have the inner resources to meet the difficulties that they face and believe that the world is more safe and predictable than it is unsafe and unpredictable.

Insecure- avoidant attachment: Those who identify as avoidantly attached see themselves as lone wolves—strong, independent, and self-sufficient. They tend to have a more positive view of themselves but struggle with emotional closeness. They do not want to depend on others, or have others depend on them. They also tend to shut down, hide, or suppress their feelings when faced with an emotionally overwhelming situation.

Insecure- anxious attachment:  Those who identify as anxiously attached tend to have a strong fear of abandonment and value safety and closeness as top priorities. They tend to get anxious at the thought of living without their partner and often seek affirmation from them. If an anxiously attached person senses emotional distance from their partner, they try to cling to their partner even more, becoming very preoccupied with the relationship.

Insecure- disorganized attachment: The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their relationships. For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. This is because their caregiver was at best, unpredictable, and at worst, a source of harm or terror. This creates a situation called “fear without resolution,” in which the child is in a bind because the very person who is supposed to protect them from threats is actually what is threatening to them. They do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, hesitate to trust and depend on others. They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.

How does this apply to therapy?

            Therapy helps heal attachment wounds because a skilled therapist, in a way, takes on the role of a pseudo-caregiver—the “good enough parent” that you longed for but did not consistently have. The therapist acts as a secure base for you by offering you attunement, containment, and modeling good rupture and repair. (Want to know more about these 3 components of secure attachment? Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series!) A therapist does this in a few ways.

First, the therapist, using curiosity and compassion, helps guide the way toward the untethered parts of you, showing you what attunement and healthy pursuit looks and feels like. Through this modeling, they restore some of your integrity and self-worth by essentially saying, “You are worth getting to know and being pursued in the midst of these uncharted waters.”

Next, the therapist sits with you in the uncharted waters, offering their presence to difficult parts of you, modeling for you the attunement and containment you deserved to get all along. Through this, they add more pieces to your integrity, saying, “I want to be with you just as you are; I am able to tolerate all parts of who you are, even the difficult or dark emotions do not make me uncomfortable. As you see me tolerating them, you will also realize they are tolerable and won't swallow you up.”

Then, the two of you work together to discover the destination you’re meant to sail toward and embark together. In doing so, they continue to build on your integrity, saying, “You have a unique purpose and gift for the world, and I’m on your team to help discover what that is and encourage you to offer it to others. Let’s do it! If we hit any rough seas, I'll be in your corner to help you overcome.”

After time, as secure attachment develops, you won’t feel as though you are constantly in uncharted waters in the world and in relationships. The waters will feel more predictable and safe. The therapist will transition to being a safe harbor that you can dock your boat at, so that you can refuel at any time, and go off and venture into the world once again, knowing that you have the inner resources to navigate any rough waters that you might face. This is the role that your caregiver was always meant to play—that of a safe harbor—but because of their unhealed wounds, they weren’t able to offer what you needed in the moment. In this beautiful way, therapy can help heal these parts of us that were left to flounder in troubled waters and can establish a calmer harbor for us. Because of this, we can feel safe resting into the beautiful parts of life, and also feel supported and resourced when we need to face difficult things in the future.

Back to School: 4 key pieces to ease the transition

by Tiffany Garnett MACP, LMHCA

4 key pieces to ease the transition from summer to school.

1. Create Routines

Routines and predictability can ease the brain’s fear of the unknown. The human brain is designed to pause when it experiences new sensory data and attempt to predict what to expect. Often those predictions include negative experiences and feelings that have not been integrated. The best way of bypassing this natural tendency is to make the unknown known. This can be done by using calendars or schedules, taking school tours, meeting teachers or other staff. The more predictable and consistent the routine is, the less dysregulation will be felt.

Action Item: Create a daily/weekly schedule together allowing time to talk about what areas are creating stress and talk through things that feel mysterious or scary. Involving kids directly in this process allows more buy-in and acceptance of the routine.

2. Create Safety

Keeping it safe requires both physical and emotional safety. Most caretakers are very aware of keeping kids physically safe, but emotional safety can often feel like a foreign language. Be curious about what feels unsafe to your child. Threat and resiliency levels are different for every person; don’t assume you know how their world feels. Create a safe place to share any and all feelings. Not all behaviors are acceptable, but all feelings need to be acceptable.

Action Item- set aside a time each week to learn a new emotion. How does it feel to be delighted, preoccupied or frantic? Allow yourself to learn alongside your child.

3. Create Regulation

Even positive excitement of new grades, new friends and maybe even a new school can quickly turn into anxiety and overwhelm. Have some regulation tools up your sleeve to offer as ideas when kids are feeling dysregulated. Often, kids know exactly what they need to do to regulate themselves, they just need the freedom to do so in a socially acceptable way. Don’t be afraid to join in and normalize self-regulation.

Some common examples:

● Spinning or swinging

● Doodling

● Using fidget toys

● Listening to music

● Hanging upside down

● Eat something crunchy

● Do push ups or carry something heavy

Action Item - Share some of these regulation ideas with your kid and try out a few together, or ask your therapist for more ideas. What feels good? What feels awkward? We are all different and have different needs and that is OK! Make a list of your (and your child’s) favorites to pull out when things get difficult.

4. Create Congruence

Kids will do what you do, not what you say. If you are running around with a chaotic schedule, feeling dysregulated and full of anxiety - that is what your kids will see as normal and acceptable. Take the time to make sure your needs are met, you are regulated and your routines are as predictable and consistent as possible. Setting aside 30 minutes for self-care can change not just your day, but the trajectory of your whole family.

Action Item - Make a list of what self-care is for you. Dedicate 30 minutes per day for a week and talk about it. Self-care is something to be celebrated, not hidden. Make sure your family knows you are taking care of yourself just as you wish to take care of them. A small investment in yourself creates huge returns in everyone you love.

Burn out is real. Why now?

Why am I burnt out now?  Why now? The sun is out (maybe), summer is finally kicking off and yet I have no energy and I am tired.  I don’t remember summer feeling this way in years past.  It is easy to find our days beginning and ending with exhaustion.  What happened?

What happened is the world has lived through a pandemic, a global shutdown, political unrest, a complete resetting of norms.  We now have fuzzy expectations of the future and what once was solid ground now feels shaky or filled with potholes. In other words, we have survived. 

Survival—>Exhaustion/Burn out —>Rebuilding Reserves —>Thriving.

Survival

The feeling of burn out and exhaustion are the feelings of surviving when survival is no longer the greatest thing we are working towards. First of all, you are not alone.  You are not alone in your exhaustion and burn out.  Secondly, this is not the new norm and you will not be here forever.

It is helpful to begin to look at what roads you have travelled in the last 2.5 years.  Where were you before the pandemic hit? What was going on in your life when everything shut down? What did the months look like for you? What got pushed out? What rhythms were interrupted? What milestones did you miss out on? What has the impact been?

When we look at the specifics of what the past couple of years entail, clarity begins to form.  Hopefully with that clarity comes compassion.  Compassion for the ways in which you have survived all of those things to get you to today. Can you hold kindness towards yourself for getting through the past couple of years? 

Burnout/Exhaustion

What to do with the burn out and exhaustion now? Begin to name it with “of course…” Of course I am exhausted I have been _________.  Of course I am burnt out, I __________ and ________ these last couple of years. 

What if instead of chastising yourself for being tired, you name it as a product of surviving.  Hold gratitude that your body is no longer in survival mode so it can now feel its exhaustion.  When we name it, we feel it and we can heal it.

Rebuilding Reserves

What builds goodness into your life?

For some it is being outside.  Have you been outside with enjoyment?  

For some it is working out.  Have you been working out?

For some it is cooking.  Have you been in the kitchen cooking?

For some it is reading.  Have you been reading?

For some it is game night.  Have you been playing games?

Whatever it is for you.  Be curious. 

Are these still part of your life or have they gone to the wayside?  When did they disappear? What happens if you added one thing back in that fills you with goodness in the next month?

We are entering the time of rebuilding our resiliency.  The past couple of years has drained most of our reserves.  Let this summer be a summer of rest, goodness and refilling.  You do not have to do this alone.  We are here for you. 

What is one thing you can do today for filling your reserve?

Thriving

Having different bookends to your day.  When you do not start your day exhausted and end your day exhausted.  When you begin to feel that you are living your life vs your life running you. 

Thriving is living in freedom.  Thriving is feeling contentment with your day, your life and you. Thriving is feeling excitement, joy, energy and hope.  Laughter and tears have a home in a thriving life.

If you are feeling stuck in burn out, reach out.  If apathy has taken hold of the things that you once found life in, we are here for you. 

Living in Alignment

By ashley Bryan MS, lmhca

There has been a lot of ugliness in the world recently. Rates for people struggling with depression have skyrocketed. We struggle to find joy – to be fulfilled. The easiest answer is that there are no places left to find this level of happiness, but is that really true?

One of my favorite questions to ask my clients is simple: what are your values? I can typically get a quick answer – surely we have worked through this in our lifetime. Friends, family, love, health, wealth…. Easy right? I find it is often much more complex. It is a question that we have become so quick to answer that we don’t typically look for understanding of it at a greater level. Why do I value these things? What do they bring into my life? And more importantly, how do I live INTENTIONALLY and REGULARLY in alignment with them? I find that the answers to these questions are where we find joy and fulfillment.

It's common to believe that by simply recognizing things we feel are important, we are living a full life, but because of our nature to live in a fast paced world, it is often without any thought or intention and rather just “going through the motions.” One might say, I value family – I see family regularly – therefore I am living in alignment. I urge you to consider when the last time was that you recognized that seeing family makes you feel connected and loved and therefore you made a plan to do something with a family member with the intention to fulfill the needs behind that action. In order to live in alignment with your values, these things are vital.

RECOGNIZE your values: This is the starting point. We assess what things bring value to our life. Is it really family, friends, health and wealth? Of course they are important, but are they the values that, when met, fulfill our needs? What will you feel if you incorporate this value more often?

PLAN accordingly: Once you recognize these values, make a plan about what actions you can take to live in alignment with them. If you value health, what three things might you do this week to live a healthy lifestyle? Maybe you value friends – so make a plan to incorporate friends once this week. 

TAKE ACTION, INTENTIONALLY: Follow through with the plans you made to live in alignment, and recognize that you are doing this on purpose, because it is important, and you are nourishing a need in your life. Stay aware of the specific need you are fulfilling. Praise yourself for doing the work. Embrace the moment in which you take the action.

If you are recognizing a disconnect in your life, that feels empty or meaningless, it’s time to slow down and assess how we can bring connection and fulfillment back to your world. Check in with yourself, create sustainable changes and growth, implement boundaries and expectations. Do these things because you are worth it. You are valuable. You can be in charge of your joy and fulfillment.

Finally, reach out for guidance. From within, from a friend, or from us here at Thrive. We are always ready and excited to help you understand values and learn to live in alignment with them more frequently.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

Together for Mental Health.  #together4MH

May is mental health awareness month.  It is great to have a month spotlighting the importance of mental health: breaking stigma and bringing support. As therapists we are committed to this work year round to break stigma, bring healing and raise awareness. Often times we do not pay attention to our mental health until something goes wrong and our lives are not working the way they once were.  We experience burnout, anxiety, depression, or something feels off. We have wrongly believed in the past that mental health is something that “will just get better on it’s own” or “I can handle this on my own.”

For 2022’s Mental Health Awareness Month, The National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) has named this years theme “Together for Mental Health.”  This more than any other time are we experiencing a deep need for connection and togetherness.  

We need to create a world in which caring for our mental health is as important as caring for our physical bodies.  We know what happens when we stop caring for our bodies, they begin to break down and disease takes root.  This is also true with our mental health.  When we ignore the signs our body is telling us, we do not get better.  We get worse.  We need one another to stay healthy.  We need people to listen to us in a caring and non-judgemental way, we need others to weigh in on our experiences. Mental health is the foundation for functioning, for resilence, self-esteem, communication, relationships with both self and others.

Washington State Mental Health (according to the Department of Health):

• 3 in 10 adults (in the US) have reported an increase in depression and anxiety since 2020.

• 1 in 8 adults report having poor mental health.

• 1 in 3 10th graders report strongly depressive feelings.

• 33.5% of adults in Washington reported symptoms of anxiety and/or depression 

• In 2019 Suicide was the second leading cause of death among adolescents (aged 12-17) in the U.S.

In the past couple of years mental health needs have skyrocketed.  Our relationships have suffered, we have either been in too much contact or not enough.  Issues that have once been swept under are now taking over.  Maybe you need a third party to walk with you through the rough spots of the relationship and help create healthy communication.  

You do not have to walk through this alone.

Our children and adolescents are facing uncertainty and still processing what the past 2 years have been.  They are experiencing higher rates of anxiety, depression, and uncertainty.

Is your anxiety showing up when you are not in an anxious situation, but your body is responding with anxiety that doesn’t fit the situation?  Do you feel sad more than you feel happy?  Have you lost the “why” to your life, relationship and/or job?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to ask for help.  This is why we are here, we are here to help you step into your life with freedom and the fullness of who you are. 

The counselors here at Thrive Counseling Kirkland are here and ready to help.  Together for Mental Health.  Mental Health wellness is not achieved alone.

Your relationship with social media

By Molly Kitz Ma, lmhca

Social media has connected us in ways we never imagined would be possible. It is a creative outlet for artists, a place for people to share their voices and talents, a community for young people, and a platform to help families and friends remain connected from thousands of miles away. Unfortunately, social media is also highly addictive and often forces us to engage in unhealthy ways. Social media has a way of consuming us and controlling how we function, how we work, and how we interact with others. As we enter into a new season (come on summer, we are waiting!), let’s focus on how we can maintain a healthy relationship with social media. 

Stop Scrolling First Thing in the Morning

We are all guilty of rolling over first thing in the morning and grabbing our cell phones just to scroll social media. Before we even have time to rub our eyes, we are bombarded with bad news and forced to engage with the rest of the world in a sometimes, unhealthy manner. Starting your day off with social media can impact your productivity levels but more importantly, can impact your mood and set the tone for your entire day. Try to set a habit and instead of reaching for your phone, reach for a book or a cup of a coffee! Allow yourself time to wake up and connect to yourself before forcing yourself to connect to the rest of the virtual world!

Set Boundaries

If you find yourself using social media more than you would prefer, it’s time to set boundaries and be intentional with your social media use. Most cell phones nowadays are able to show you just how many hours you spend each day on social media. While this can lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment, you can utilize this tool to help set boundaries and healthy limits on your social media use. Even limiting your use by 15-20 minutes can significantly improve your mental health. Think of what you could be doing with an extra 15-20 minutes in your day!

Press that Unfollow Button

Social media platforms are a playground for influencers and celebrities. Some of these accounts are helpful and can provide you with motivation and ideas. On the flip side, many accounts can leave us with feelings that ultimately harm our overall well-being and mental health. If you find that your social media feed is filled with accounts that cause you to feel upset, stressed, unhappy, or negatively impacts your self-confidence – UNFOLLOW! You have control when it comes to what you expose yourself to on a daily basis. Don’t be afraid to unfollow accounts that don’t build you up. 

Social media is a highlight reel! Don’t compare your whole life to a snapshot.

Don’t Compare

You have heard this before….social media is a highlight reel! You would probably agree that you only post photos or highlights when you feel or look like your best self. Certainly, we are not going to post a picture of us on Instagram when we first wake up. Keep this in mind when you are scrolling. Try not to get down on yourself and compare your life to others while viewing only a small part of their life. And if all else fails, follow the step above this one and unfollow!

Take a Break

It’s ok to decide to take a break from social media. Whether that break lasts 1 day or 30 days or maybe it’s even permanent. Cell phones make it easy to simply delete apps off your phone to help with the temptation of using (don’t worry – deleting the app won’t delete your account!). Disconnecting with social media can have a positive impact on your mental health and productivity! If taking a break seems too drastic, try silencing notifications so you aren’t constantly being alerted. 

Social media isn’t all bad – it is an amazing tool that has positively impacted many parts of our lives. However, just like anything else, sometimes too much of a good thing can turn bad. Personalize your social media interactions, feeds, and engagements so they best suit you and help you maintain a healthy relationship with the virtual world.